The Year

It has certainly been a memorable one. Whether you look at the year behind or the year ahead, there is an undeniable blessing attached to both.

Who would have thought a year ago today that I'd be the mommy of three kids, survived a twin pregnancy, delivery, NICU stint and the first two months with preemie twins. Whoa. It has been TOUGH. Not gonna lie. :)

I can honestly say without hesitation that carrying, delivering and now caring for my family this year has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. It has required every sacrifice, every focus, every determination, everything I have inside to keep on keeping on day after day in the whirlwind of my crazy life.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and thankful for an amazing past 12 months. I am ending 2011 with a truly great life.

Toby & Gabe are healthy and happy. Sure, we struggle with lack of sleep and reflux and schedules and crying and fussiness....and laundry & dishes....and more laundry & dishes!!! But every time we see the pediatrician or the home health nurse, they marvel at how well the twins are doing. How bright-eyed they are, and how they are just thriving. This week, Gabe weighed in at 9lb 13oz and Toby at 9lb 5oz. They have more than doubled their birth weights now in two months and have made a mark on the actual growth charts! I am enjoying their baby days so much more than I did Sam's. Despite the 'round the clock' care and sheer exhaustion from handling (and juggling) the needs and wants of two babies, it really is still enjoyable to see their eyes open, recognize my face and grow still just staring back into my eyes. I cannot wait for the first real smiles and for the next phase ahead (OH, and the longer sleeping!), but for now, on the last day of the year, I am reminded of how quickly year after year passes by.

Samuel is just my joy. He is smart and funny. He is quirky and loving. He's compassionate and stubborn. Such a blend of Ben and I, and just an all around amazing little boy. Or I guess I should say BIG boy! Sometime this year...among the trials of pregnancy and the pressure of the hospital stay and the hazy newborn days, my firstborn grew up. Gone are the daily...okay more like hourly...temper tantrums. Gone is the little boy smell. Gone are the fights about clothes...and shoes...and coats...and toys....and food....and...well everything. Just gone. Somewhere along the way, as life flew by for us, my precious Sam has become not just a big brother, but a kid. I was talking to my mom right after the twins were born, lamenting the fact that Sam just argues about everything...and that no matter what you ask him to do, it is a fight, and we are constantly dealing with three-year-old fits and a whiny boy. She just smiled and said that 4 years old is SO much better. I laughed at her and said, well we are almost there and I don't see it. She reminded me that, like everything, some day I will realize there hasn't been a fit that day...and soon it will stretch out to a week...and eventually we'll realize he has grown out of the truly terrible 3's. And so it has happened. I have hugged Sam with tears in my eyes more times than I can count the past few weeks, SO proud of him for doing awesome with the babies. SO proud of him for not fighting me when I really need him to cooperate because I'm juggling too much already and I don't know how much else I can add to my plate, and just SO stinkin' proud of him for becoming the kid I knew was in there...and worked so hard to help shape for the last 3 years!!!

My husband. We are so different. HAHA. But I know if I had another "me" running around this house we may be a tad more stressed and high strung than we are now! This year Ben has stepped up and taken on so much more than I ever expected or asked him to. He really was the primary caregiver for Sam, as I was forcing myself to take it easy during pregnancy and then recovering from deliver...and then caring for newborns. No matter what I need, Ben is always there for me, with an encouraging word, long hug or most importantly, a laugh. I don't think I could have done this...no, correction...I KNOW I could NOT have done this last year without Ben. His charming smile and ability to make me laugh haven't wavered in our almost 9 years of marriage, and for that I am thankful. Yes, there are frustrating days. No, we do not always get along. But I can honestly say I think we've only had one real fight since the babies were born, which if you really lived in my house every day and saw the kind of craziness, stress, lack of sleep and just INSANE-NESS that this twin life is, is pretty good. We are ringing in this New Years different from all the rest...I will be asleep and Ben will be feeding babies. What a guy!!

This New Year marks 5 years at my job, and I can say without hesitation that I am looking forward to going back to work in three short weeks. I don't mean that I won't miss the babies...or a clean house and dinner on the table like clockwork every day. But there is something invaluable about loving your job that just cannot be matched. I love the people. I love my boss. I love the mission. I love the crazy, ever-changing and always interesting actual work that I do on a daily basis. In contemplating finances and what in the world we are going to do about paying for daycare here soon, it has crossed my mind once or twice that perhaps I should look for another job with higher pay. But every single time I have that fleeting thought, I am 100% certain I would not be happy anywhere else. OCH has a flexible, family-friendly and incredibly supportive work environment that you just don't find. I can hardly believe that five years has flown by and look forward to jumping back in, gung ho Carrie, ready for whatever is ahead at work on January 23.

My struggle with weight over the years is like any woman I think. Losing pounds post baby with Sam was horrible. I worked out like a fiend for 10 months really before seeing the scale move at all, but this time I am delighted to announce that as of this morning I have 9.6 pounds left to lose before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. Holy cow. I can hardly believe it. I know that a lot of that is due to breastfeeding...AKA pumping. It burns a ton of calories, which is good considering that I pigged out during the holidays in the last month. But most of the weight loss I know is because I was determined to stay in shape, safely and with the blessing of my doctor. I ate better and did yoga the entire time. I'm sure another big bonus in losing the weight this time is that I have no time to breathe, much less eat or anything else. I am carving out 18 minutes every other day for a quick workout and making myself eat healthier than I ever have. It has been so successful that I told my coworker that I planned to start taking my lunch to work, like she does (so inspiring and much healthier than the hospital cafeteria)! I basically have various kinds of wraps or soup or a combination of those every single day for breakfast and lunch. Along with lots of fresh veggies and fruits. And of course, since Ben has had to go on a low cholesterol, low fat and low salt diet, our dinners have been MUCH healthier also. All in all, a great combination for dropping the weight. I'm still in pants a few sizes bigger than I want, and I know those last 10 pounds are going to linger for a LONG time, but I'm hoping that with my stubbornness and a lot of work I can hit the goal by the time I see New Years Eve 2012.

And so here we are...12 hours from the New Year. Despite the struggles and frustrations and fears and everything else, this has been one of the best years of my life. And the most shocking. I turn 30 in 5 months. I will be done having kids, back to (almost) my normal sized self and living a life I could not have even imagined 10 short years ago. The only other thing I had planned that won't be happening anymore is a birthday trip to NYC with Apes....ah well. We'll make a go of it another year. I got twins this year instead. ;)

The Escape

I can't wait. That's kind of my thought every day as I'm living like a hermit in my humble abode thinking about the next time I will be able to leave. I cannot WAIT to escape! Before you start thinking I'm a heartless mommy, I really would be even happier to leave WITH my whole family, babies included. But alas, me and the newbies are staying cozy inside hibernating while the rest of the world goes through the hustle and bustle of Christmastime.

It has been a truly strange holiday season. In some ways, it has been nice not to get too caught up in the presents and shopping and materialistic stuff. I'm inside most days...well who am I kidding...all day every day....looking at my lit tree and humming to the familiar tunes on the radio so I'm no stranger to knowing Christmas is almost upon us. I rarely see anyone else, much less have to deal with the holiday stress. Overall, it has been a welcome change. But very strange. I feel like Halloween was the start...then sleepless night after bleary day flew past...then Thanksgiving! And now, here we are, a week before Christmas and I just cannot believe it has been almost two months since my little ones made their surprise arrival! It just doesn't seem like Christmas.

I'm sure many of you think we are crazy for not taking the babies anywhere for so long. Seriously though, we are under strict instructions by both our pediatrician and a home health nurse not to take them out in public until after this fall/winter season is over. Yikes. Basically, the little guys are at serious risk for RSV due to prematurity and multiple birth. It just so happens that if they'd been born at any other time, we might not have to worry so much, but since they made their debut pretty much exactly at the worst possible "sick" time of year, we are on ultra alert to prevent this scary infection. I guess that in premature babies, RSV is the single biggest concern, the cause of rehospitalization, and in rare cases even fatalities. Preemies just don't have the lung strength that full term babies have. The twins qualify for a $1,200 a pop (no joke) treatment/medication called Synagis that helps prevent RSV. It is a series of shots they get during the risk season. The week after Christmas they will have had three doses, and we plan to start taking them to church in January and to daycare just a few short weeks after that since I have to go back to work and we have no other option...I guess that with RSV, it really isn't better to "expose" them to the germs and build up their immunity. It is very scary stuff to deal with. So we will continue to be the weird parents who are sheltering their newborns. ;)

Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of deal if we knew that everywhere we went people wouldn't bend over them, breathe on them, touch them, etc. I get that people just want to smother and kiss on babies, but for REAL. Germs, people!!??!! Yup, I am that mom. The germophobe. I know it. It's a thousand times worse this go around though. We have sanitizer in every room of the house. We ask visitors to take off their shoes when they come in, and we change Sam's clothes and wash his hands every time he comes in the door from school each day. All in all, we are just trying to do the best we can to prevent illness. Because, really, who wants two sick babies? NOT US.

So back to the escape. ;) I wish I could get out with these babies, but since I cannot, who would blame me for wanting to break free for just a bit during the week. Unfortunately, it's winter, so it has been cold and yucky. Not even good weather for a walk outside. Really am stuck. I am just not made for this. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means, and I'll stay inside on the couch under a blanket for hours reading a good book, but I think it's the idea of not being ABLE to get away that just wears on me. GOD BLESS my wonderful husband for recognizing the "crazy" in my eyes every so often and giving me the nod to get out after he's had a long day at work and hasn't had a moment to stop himself. Pretty much the only time I go is for 20 minutes on Wednesdays to take Sam to church, about 45 minutes to race to Walmart once a week for the grocery run and usually about an hour or so sometime each weekend to run an errand. All alone, but still, it's good. A breather. I can't be gone too long because I have to pump and just like any other breastfeeding mama, I gotta get back because I feel like I'm going to explode any minute. ;) But the chance to drive away, resting easy because the babies are being loved and cared for and getting that small break, has really helped my sanity.

And even better, when I'm gone to pick up my paycheck every other Friday from work, or any other time I walk in the door after my brief escape, I simply cannot wait to pick up my kiddos and kiss them, hug them, squeeze them and cuddle (after changing my clothes and washing my hands of course). :)

I know I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I've turned into the maid and super-wifey who has dinner on the table when hubs comes in the door....so my days seem to run together in an endless round of babies, housework, more babies, more housework...and then more stuff around the house, in the house...never away from the house!!!!!! HAHA. I was updating the calendar we keep on our fridge and realized that I only have 5 weeks left staying home. I'm more than halfway done with my maternity leave. And I know that before I can blink, my babies will be three months old, I'll be donning the suits and heels once more instead of spit-up covered yoga pants and tank tops, and I doubt I'll be as thrilled with escaping my house then...happy to be back among the adult world, but missing the warm little bodies snuggling on me too.

Perhaps the hardest part for me with being stuck at home by myself with the babies for now has been missing church. Sounds silly, I know, but I really enjoy Sunday morning Bible study, worship and the sermon. My faith is important to me, and going to church each week gives me perspective and just a boost like nothing else. I wave 'bye' with envy every week as Sam and Ben head off to Calvary. I know that there are some people who say they do 'church' at home and don't need to go to a building, but there is NOTHING else quite like the fellowship and love you feel being welcomed by your church family....and no radio or TV evangelist or even your own devotions at home are as real as your pastor giving a message that touches your heart because it is exactly what you needed to hear in just the right way to feed your soul that week. I miss it so much!!!! Ah well....soon enough, our whole family will once again be able to venture out together, but for now, I will savor what time I can escape....especially on days like today...when I was able to go to the afternoon performance of Voices of Christmas at church. I was touched and inspired by the top notch production and FINALLY I feel like I'm in the Christmas spirit. What a great way to start the week. Renewed, refreshed and restored. Looking forward to celebrating the reason for the season and sharing a lifetime with my precious new family. Cheers!

The War

Most days at some point I look down at my beautiful baby boys and have a serious reality check. I am the mom of twins. TWINS. How did this happen? It is just so crazy, really. I cannot believe that we made it past their original due date (December 6) and that the twins are six weeks old. They are growing like crazy and doing so well. I am beyond thrilled and generally pretty positive, honestly! However, the day to day does wear on me. I do feel like the theme of our house the past few weeks has been like a battlefield. Yes, that's right. War. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It's a minefield in here!

The single biggest battle we fight every day....every three-ish hours...is burping. No joke. Tried every possible method, and no go. We get SO frustrated. Not to mention the babies get SO uncomfortable...and then refuse to eat anymore (which means they are fussy and won't sleep or if they do sleep wake up early because they didn't eat enough!). We've gotten to where some feedings take more than hour just because they refuse to burp. And then everytime we think we've figured out the "magic" touch to get them each to burp it stops working and we're back to square one. Boo. This stinks. I seriously despise burping babies now. And you can't be mad at the babies...the poor guys are just wailing with gas pain, begging us to help them burp, and we fail. Miserably!!!!!

Another battle? Breastfeeding. Or should I say Bottle Feeding with Breast Milk. Ugh again. Yup, I got clearance from the pediatrician a few weeks ago to start nursing, but the twins will not latch on and nurse for any length of time anymore. Should have known - they got bottles (easy!) for a month straight. It was good for their growth (and required by the NICU and then the doctor) so I'm not upset about it, but this does mean that I have to continue the pumping craziness. Generally I like to pump while I'm feeding the babies simply to be efficient. Unfortunately, all the moving around while trying to feed and burp and pump didn't go so well, and my body protested and I ended up with soreness and cracking (TMI sorry!!) and just ... PAIN. So now I am feeding them and then when they go down for a nap each time after they eat, I'm pumping...for 30 minutes. Then repeating the cycle an hour later. Doesn't leave me that much time for anything else. Between a shower, eating meals and picking up the house (laundry/dishes/etc) it is 4pm before I can blink. Yikes. I've been trying to combine activities....(I'm laughing at myself because I just contemplated making cookies while pumping and decided to sit down with the laptop instead!)....so I can work a bit or fold laundry while I pump. All in all, it's not that big of deal, but it does seem like a battle. I really wish I was one of those people that the whole breastfeeding thing was easy and smooth and truly enjoyable. Not so much. :( I'm still keeping it up for now. Please pray for my attitude!! I am a slave to this pump. To top it all off, I'm no longer producing enough milk by pumping to keep up with the growing boys. I have enough for 12 bottles a day out of 16. So for two feedings the babies get just formula. No choice!!!! (Sigh!)

Don't even get me started on the battle with money. Getting very nervous about going back to work and attempting to afford childcare. I have six weeks left, and I cannot even really talk about it without getting depressed. Oh, and to top it off - we got a letter sent home this week and Sam's school costs are going up. Lovely. We are in this weird divide of making too much to qualify for any subsidy at our daycare and then making too little to actually be able to afford it! So what do we do? One of us not working anymore isn't an option - and when you calculate it out it really won't put us in a better spot. So what's the answer? Who knows. Praying hard and trusting that God's "blessing" will provide. At the same time, though, planning for extra income so we can still eat and have a roof over our heads. Ben is looking into possibly an additional part time job, and I'm going to start doing some more work from home now...in my spare time, right? HAHAHA. :) I. Hate. Money. I really do.

At the same time I cannot believe the twins are six weeks old, I cannot believe that I've stayed home with them all day every day now for over a month. It is such a new experience being a stay at home mom (albeit temporarily). I wish I was one who could let the house go, camp out on the couch snuggling my baby all day and watch all the movies and TVs I've been saving on the DVR. Alas, not my life (the holding the baby all day thing is kind of impossible when you have two little ones to care for...). I have realized how nice it is to actually go to work and leave the house messy!!!! For real! Normally, I can go to work, not look at the laundry needing to be folded or the floors needing to be vacuumed. Seriously. But now, I'm here. I'm living in it every day, and I just cannot be here in the house all the time, unable to leave because of the twins and stumbling over laundry baskets and such. So...I have assumed the role of maid. This is new for me. Since I have always worked full time, Ben and I have largely shared household duties. Sure, Ben and April still help with dishes and take out the trash, but for the most part, the entire rest of the housework, picking stuff up and maintaining things is solely on my shoulders now. I have a profound respect and appreciation now for all the Stay at Home Moms who have to care for the kiddos AND attempt to clean the house regularly....and if they don't have time they still have to be IN the house while it isn't picked up. Would drive me crazy!!!

One of the more lighthearted battles I'm fighting is the weight, of course. What new mom doesn't? Since I hit the 6 week post c-section mark, I started my workouts again. My awesome Moms Into Fitness DVD series I used throughout the pregnancy has a Postnatal Boot Camp. And wow. It is intense. I just started this week and my whole body feels it. Lots of pain, but in that good "I worked my muscles really hard and feel things toning" kind of way. Hope it pays off!!! I have lost 25 pounds and have just under 13 left to lose before starting this workout. I didn't gain a ton of extra weight everywhere else, but my baby belly is still a bit bigger than 6 weeks postpartum with Sam. Probably because it was HUGE with twins!!! So still need to work on my fitness. ;) Not a bad war. And it makes the sleepless nights a little easier. Working out helps me fall asleep better at the end of the day and gives me enough energy to make it through when I'm running on 4 hours of "sleep."

SIGH.

HAHA - so after reading the above you get a good glimpse into the "not-so-happy-go-lucky and always positive" Carrie. I guess that's what happens with lack of sleep and a perpetual cycle of baby, baby and more baby feeding, burping (or not), changing, etc. I'm not totally lost though. ;) And I really am NOT complaining. I hope you take this fun ranting above as a tired mommy explaining the crazy frustrations of new parenthood....in reality I am still having fun. Still enjoying the growing alertness of the twins. Still loving holding them close and smelling that perfect new baby smell...still loving rocking them and hearing their breathing slow down and their bodies relax as they are content and happy. Every time I start to feel the war a bit too much, I force myself to remember how quickly this phase passes by. How this is the last time my babies will be babies...and the last time I will ever have babies (PLEASE GOD). :) Even more than this, when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding them and so tired I can barely hold my head up, I think about my friends who cannot have children. And how much they would give anything to be up all night with a newborn. (Tears!!!) And I am SO incredibly thankful for every single moment with Toby & Gabe. It's just that simple.

The Gratitude

Grateful and appreciative don't even begin to describe my thoughts and feelings. Blessed beyond belief! The twins are four weeks old today and Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Perfect time to reflect and take stock in the abundance of things to be thankful for this year....


1. Sleep
If ever there was a reminder of just how precious and amazing a full night's sleep is, please come visit my house between 1am and 5am. No really. I'll put you to good use burping. :) After having Sam nearly four years ago, sleep became one of those things I realized I had taken for granted. I'm not a lazy, sleeping-in kind of person at ALL (crazy I know but sleeping in for me is 7am). HOWEVER, normal not pregnant and not newborn twin mommy me relishes the idea of falling into bed at night and dozing. I normally go 100mph all day, and once 9pm hits I am ready for the brain to cease firing and to drift into lala land until about 5am. At which point I wake up completely alert and ready to start the day (yes, yes, I'm one of THOSE people). Not so much anymore. Pregnancy wreaked havoc on my sleep. Up at least once an hour to pee, couldn't get comfortable, etc. My beloved sleep suffered then, sure. But nothing prepares you quite like having a newborn (or 2!). For those who do not have kids, there is no amount of planning or explanation possible to describe what sleep is really, truly like with a new baby. And even those of us with kiddos tend to forget after the hazy first months pass and you have that historic "my child slept thru the night" moment (which thank GOD they do). The worst part for me is always falling back asleep after being up calming a fussy baby or changing a diaper or doing a feeding. Your mind is just active enough that by the time you get settled down you realize you only have two hours, or one hour or 45 minutes...or less...before hearing another grunt, whimper and then wail. Another doozy...when you are so tired you cannot think a coherent thought, but when you lay down and close your eyes you physically are too tired to actually fall to sleep. So you end up laying there "resting" wishing the minutes weren't passing by so quickly while you were not sleeping...and then you keep hearing a baby cry, only to glance at the monitor and realize you are imagining a cry because you are anticipating said baby to wake up! UGH! And then, sometimes, you have those treasured nights you long for (like I actually had last night!) where the baby (okay, babIES in my house) eats quickly, burps effortlessly and goes back to bed with barely a cry...and then when your head hits the pillow again you are OUT. And several hours later when the wailing starts again with hunger cries you realize that (SHOCK) you actually slept. Soundly. Restfully. Blissfully. And then when your head hits the pillow another time after a feeding, that wonderful sleep meets you again. Picture me happy, smiling and "rested" after SEVEN hours of sleep last night. Sweet!!! Again, for all you without kiddos, don't worry - this seven hours was between 8pm and 7:30am, so it's not like it is at all consecutive, but hey, you learn to cherish the snippets and count up all the sleep during the day as success.

2. Health
Yes, it seems my household (and everyone else's too apparently) has been fraught with illness in the last few months. We're passing it around like we live at a hippie commune sharing utensils and everything else (which we don't by the way in case you wondered). Despite using masks, cleaning with antibacterial wipes, removing shoes so we don't traipse germs everywhere, washing hands until our skin cracks and changing clothes often, we cannot seem to shake the crud. From pharyngitis to colds to strep to the stomach bug, we've had it all. Even through all of this, I am thankful for our health. Right now my precious tiny tots are snoozing, and I can hear their noses whistling from stuffiness. They have bad colds, but so far nothing serious. Since we've had them home, every single person who has visited ended up telling us they came down with random illnesses just a few days after visiting....so much so that we had to quarantine the house for about a week...to keep more illness out and hopefully get our household yuckies under control. Worked. Except that then I finally succumbed to it all and was down hard on Sunday night. Antibiotics in me, and few days later I'm back to "normal." All the while, babies keep trucking along with annoying colds, but again, nothing serious. And for that I am thankful. I asked the pediatrician this week at their follow up appointment if we could perhaps take them down the street to see relatives during the holidays since we knew we definitely could not take them to church or public places. His response? Um...no. Too high of a risk for them to develop the flu or RSV (which in many adults manifests as just a cough and runny nose, I guess). So, that's right, we are under strict instructions not to let these guys near anyone who even has a cough or runny nose. Um, okay. Like, that's everyone this time of year (sigh). So we will forgo holiday visits this year, skipping "pass the babies" and try to keep them as healthy as possible. I texted my sister-in-law (also pregnant!!!) yesterday giving her the lowdown and explaining that Ben and Sam would be attending some family functions but I would be staying at home....her response made me smile and was a great reminder. She said, "I'll just be thankful the little guys are here and home from the hospital." The best attitude! At one point we were going to be scheduled for a csection yesterday and in the hospital on Thanksgiving! And then at another point, we thought the babies would just now be coming home from the NICU. How much more thankful am I sitting here now in my toasty warm house with two beautiful HEALTHY baby boys. What a blessing!

3. Family
I feel like a broken record here, but I literally have no words to express how much I appreciate our support system. By that I mean family, friends and even those trusty Facebookers who have followed us on this journey, chanting support and being involved, even if just online. I truly feel like this experience has allowed us to be blessed by so many people. I'm not always one to share overly personal details of my life to everyone, but this pregnancy (and the blog!) has been a good reminder to me of how opening up about ourselves often lends itself to being cared for and touched so much more deeply by others. We truly have been supported and encouraged by everyone around us, but I do have to say specifically that I do not know what I would have done without my parents. I don't mean that to exclude anyone else who has helped (I seriously appreciate you from the bottom of my heart!!!) but my parents have selflessly dedicated themselves to providing relief and assistance. Sacrificed their time, their money, their jobs, their house, their LIVES and picked up and headed this way. And every single time they arrive, they immediately get to work for ME. For us. For our family. Honestly, they rarely spend significant time with the babies or even Sam....my dad hadn't even held one of the babies for days after they were home. That's not what it's about for them. For the last month or two, every single time they have been here, it has been nonstop dishes or laundry or errands or meals or any number of meaningless tasks that mean so very much to exhausted and overwhelmed new parents. If you ask them, they jokingly (and seriously) admit that they come to work. To help. And I just could NOT do this without them. I'm not one to accept help easily...but my dad just keeps reminding me that if Sam or Toby or Gabe ever had a need or were going through something big, wouldn't I jump in immediately and just take care of it? And, knowing I would, he just smiles, pats my back, and says, YOU ARE OUR KID!!! Wow. My parents are just awesome. And yes, I'm still a daddy's girl. ;) (And again, THANK YOU to everyone else who has come over, offered to help or brought meals or a thousand other things you have contributed to this crazy process. I have not taken any single thing for granted - THANK YOU! I am seriously so grateful and am humbled by all of you. I have bit shoes to fill to "pass it on" to others.)

4. Personality
One of the most exciting parts of the twins actually being "here" and one of the things I'm most thankful for is observing their personalities and traits and getting to know them each. It's pretty great. The twins are looking so much the same now, it is just insane. Even better, they like to position their bodies the same. They are laying here by me now and Toby changes positions while asleep. Not one minute later, Gabe (also sleeping!) moves into the exact same position Toby just assumed. And so it continues. I have taken about 10 pictures of different positions and they just keep doing the same thing. It is super freaky! How do they KNOW what each other is doing when they are sleeping?? Their bodies just do the same things naturally...so crazy. What a fun blessing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. These identical twin boys are really going to provide us a lifetime of learning and experiencing one of the most unique and coolest things ever. The same DNA embodied in two very unique individual people. How can two tiny babies really look this similar? (We're talking down to the placement of a few stray hairs on their tiny ears or the angle of their big toes....inSANE!) Another thing to be thankful for? We get to see Sam in his role as a new big brother, asserting his independence and getting bigger by the day. Gives me a renewed appreciation for Sam's "spunk." Sometimes it comes with defiance and frustration and way too much stubbornness for his 3 almost 4 years...but if we can have one child as awesome as Sam, two more is going to be a BLAST! And again, I am so very thankful that each of my boys is going to add their individuality to this family!

I really think the list of things to be thankful for is endless. I am overwhelmed by the blessings (in many forms and not always what we expected or wanted!) God has given us in the past year and give Him all the thanks for each one. Little did we know last Thanksgiving that our lives would be totally different a year later. Praying that all of my family, friends (and yes, even all you Facebookers who creep!) embrace the blessings God has provided you this year and be truly thankful. No matter what challenges arise, God continues to be faithful in leading us through or carrying us along. The real joy and thanksgiving come when WE see the good in life's circumstances (even the crappy stuff) and find things to be thankful for.

The Fun

Toby and Gabe are three weeks old now, so I figure I might as well answer the question I keep getting from family, friends and Facebookers....what is it like having newborn twins?

Answering that question really is impossible. I'm sure everyone's experience with infant twins is very different, depending on their expectations, whether they are first time parents, parenting styles or philosophies and much more.

For our family, I think having one child already helps significantly. We already know how hard it is with a newborn baby. We know what it is like to be sleep deprived and frustrated and every other emotion that crops up. We also know (most importantly!) that this newborn phase is SO short-lived in the grand scheme of things. This too shall pass. ;)

Unashamedly I will openly admit to catching more than a few episodes of Make Room for Multiples on TLC prior to these babies' arrival. In most circumstances from what I've gathered, bringing home multiples is a tremendous relief paired with an enormous workload. I can't say that my experience has been any different. Many of the people (okay, yes, I know they are on TV, but at least they are from all over the country and have unique stories so it is a little more reality than not) are completely overwhelmed by the chaos and in tears. Only a handful of the couples in the episodes I've seen seem to have some kind of schedule or system. These parents seem slightly less crazed.

Thankfully, I think we fall into the latter bunch. As I always say, those of you know who me know I'm a list making, organized and schedule-driven person. This has always carried over into my parenting style, so I expected it to be the case here. With Sam we implemented the Babywise model (I know there are a LOT of varied opinions on this so bear with me) upon recommendation from work colleagues and professional friends. The Babywise philosophy, at least what WE took from it, is a simple model of Feed, Wake, Sleep and also ensuring full feedings. The "schedule" part isn't as firm or rigid as some people think. It recommends feeding between 2-4 hours depending on a variety of factors (which by the way is what most pediatricians recommend anyway), but realistically, just implementing the Feed, Wake, Sleep cycle and making sure when he ate he was actually getting a full "meal" was beneficial for Sam. He was "trained" right away that night-time was for longer sleeping and daytime was for more wake-time. He slept through the night (12 hours) by three months old, but more importantly he has always been a generally happy kid and a great sleeper. Crying It Out (a term some parents are horrified with and the reason some boycott this book) is mentioned in Babywise, but it is not an integral part necessarily with the philosophy. (I will interject here that at two weeks old, Sam was getting to where he'd only fall asleep in someone's arms and I did try the Cry It Out method. It took him 1 day of mild fussiness and then like clockwork he would ALWAYS go to sleep exactly 7 minutes after crying, never fail). I digress. So anyway, with Sam we did the Babywise plan. It is generally a "schedule" based plan since it recommends the Feed, Wake, Sleep cycle and is not an "on-demand" based plan. Just our choice based on lots of research and our daily lives and needs.

For the twins I knew that eventually some sort of schedule would be beneficial. In fact, in the NICU, they get all the babies on a 3 hour feeding schedule immediately to streamline their processes AND to ensure the babies get adequate rest, take full feedings and get very little stimulation. Plus with twins, if you feed them anytime they fuss and don't try to get both babies on a similar schedule, you will literally be up 24 hours a day. Thankfully for us, the NICU had Toby & Gabe eating like clockwork after a few short days, and they have continued that trend at home.

HOWEVER, despite my desire to whip these babies into tip-top schedule shape pronto (you think I'm kidding!), there is a multiples chapter in the Babywise book, and it basically says that you have to disregard any parenting philosophy when dealing with preemies...at least until they start to actually wake up and become more like newborn infants and less like "I should still be in the womb" teeny tiny ones. When we brought the twins home from the hospital, they were typical preemies - sleeping all the time and very fussy when stimulated. Changing diapers, getting dressed, even holding them was actually more agitating than calming. As I packed away their preemie clothes yesterday and made sure the stockpile of Newborn size outfits and diapers were ready to go, I realized how much more like newborns they have become in the last week. Growing like crazy and not as fussy or as startled by everything....In the last few days Toby & Gabe have just started waking up after eating, which has been good. It has allowed me to veer in the general direction of the Babywise plan by starting to keep them awake for just a tiny bit after they eat. Then, voila, as soon as they get sleepy, we put them down for a nap and they sleep solid (generally!) until the next feeding time. Success! In turn, this allows nighttime feedings to go quickly (without waketime) and the babies are really doing great. Granted they are only three weeks old and every day is an adjustment as they are more awake and eating more.

So, what's it like at home with newborn twins? I can officially say it is a constant cycle of sleeping, crying, feeding, burping, changing, waketime (MAYBE 10 minutes of their eyes open) and sleeping again (not the adults of course!). And may we not forget the endless, mountainous, monstrous pile of laundry to keep up with the twins. I think at this point we are averaging four loads a day of clothes (both ours due to spitup, etc and theirs), burp rags, blankets, bedding, etc. Oh, and the dishes. Our babies eat around 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm, 1am, 4am....that is 8 times a day, two bottles each time, so 16 bottles a day. Plus all the mixing supplies for the breastmilk/formula concoction we have to feed them. LOTS of dishes to do. Oh, and in case you missed my previous blog post, there is always the 20 minutes of "milking" aka pumping in between this cycle too. The babies are sleeping/sleepy about 2 hours before each next feeding, so we do have some "time." But that time is all relative. Whether we use it for laundry or dishes (which you absolutely cannot let sit for more than a few hours lest it be insurmountable...and stinky), or eating meals, or shuttling Sam to and from school, or spending time with Sam....there is just a lot to do and before we know it, it's time to start all over.

And then there's the sleep factor. It's the one thing that is the worst for me. I like a good, solid night's rest, and with any baby at home you have to throw that idea out the window. With TWO babies, it seems impossible. Thankfully, we have a pretty good system already and I have a GREAT partner. Ben has truly been wonderful, and I can honestly say I don't know how single parents do this. In case you wonder how it works for us, I do the 7pm feeding while Ben gets Sam ready for bed. Then I go to bed at the latest by 8:30pm. Ben stays up for the 10pm feeding and goes to bed before midnight. Then I take the 1am and 4am feedings. So if I can actually SLEEP between 8:30pm - 1am, I have a jump start with a few hours of sleep. Then what little snippets I can catch between 2:30 - 3:30am or after 5am is just bonus. And Ben gets a solid 6 hours after midnight before Sam gets up.

I know, sounds glamorous, right? All you without kiddos, take note. This is GOOD BIRTH CONTROL. HAHA.

In reality, I have found myself multiple times in the past few days feeding babies and burping babies...and changing babies...and just laughing with Ben. I have laughed more in the past two weeks than I have in a long time. Sometimes it is just insane trying to take care of two babies needs simultaneously...and failing miserably. But there's something very humbling and honest about just fumbling through this process together as we learn about our new sons' individual personalities and see them develop unique characteristics already. It's nice to know we made it through the newborn stage once. I am confident we are well on our way to doing it again....and in duplicate.

As I took a hiatus from writing this post to feed, Ben and were (again) laughing together as we lamented our backaches from trying to get the babies to burp (SO CHALLENGING SOMETIMES) and removed layers of clothing as our little baby ovens heated us up about 10 degrees and sweat rolled down our backs and joked with each other about looking forward (NOT) to these babies getting to be Sam's age and the truly terrible 3's...I was laughing so hard at one point my incision was screaming and tears were sprouting from the pain. I looked at Ben and said, "Isn't this so much more fun than last time?" He gave me a "you are the craziest woman on the planet" look and just smiled. "Ummm....sure. Twice as fun, right? You should put that in your blog." So I am. And it is with absolute joy and certainty that I say it really is more fun.

The Milking

WARNING: If talking about breastfeeding bothers you, please skip this post. I normally avoid writing about hygiene-related things, but I just cannot resist this time because for real it is all I do. So, lucky you. If you decide to keep reading you may hear things you wish you didn't know...bahaha.

While pregnant with twins, I committed to breastfeeding them. I do believe it is the best thing for them, and although I was mildly concerned, I figured that my body knew there were two babies and it would all work out.

I've talked to many parents of multiples in the last 8 months, many of whom expressed that they had attempted to breastfeed and gave up a few months into it, due to lack of sleep (meaning literally there were NO hours left to sleep once they got done feeding two babies round the clock) or lack of milk supply (they couldn't keep up with the demand). Fun, right? All of those parents when I asked questions looked me in the eye and said, "YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF A PASS." They went on to say they were so incredibly guilty about stopping breastfeeding they were just a wreck, but they just couldn't continue. They told me how much more they enjoyed the twins after they stopped stressing about breastfeeding. Sounds like fun. NOT. Yay for the encouragement, right??

Interjection here: I have already decided that if I just cannot continue nursing at some point for whatever reason, I am not going to beat myself up about it. With all that we've gone through with this pregnancy and now in the last two weeks with an early delivery and stint in the NICU, I think we are doing pretty good. And I've done the best I possibly can for them so far, I truly do believe that. So if something changes or I just cannot do it, I'm mentally okay with that, and my babies will be FINE.

Despite all the warnings, my plan all along was to start out breastfeeding, hopefully be able to nurse them at the same time for efficiency's sake and see how it goes. Ideally I was hoping to nurse at the least until I go back to work when they are three months old.

And then, of course, a curveball. They were born early. Thankfully the NICU has a breastfeeding room with pumps and encourages moms to pump immediately after delivery and throughout the NICU stay so that the preemies can have breastmilk once they start eating. Sounds great! But the reality of this round the clock pumping is honestly just no fun. Because in the NICU they don't actually want you to nurse. Instead they pour mommy's milk into bottles and feed that way, ensuring that they know exactly how much the little ones are consuming. Even further, they mix breastmilk with special 22 calorie preemie formula to guarantee that the preemie is getting enough calories and fat to grow. No joke, every time I pumped in the hospital, I gave them the bottles full of milk and they pour 475ml into a large jug, mix it up and give it to babies bottle by bottle for the next day. Good news, my babies are good eaters and kept consuming more and more every day, to where that 475ml container lasted 24 hours, then 21, then 15, then 12....you get the idea. Babies grow, babies eat more, and I am constantly in a race to pump enough for the next 12 hour stretch!

You would think that eventually the doctors would be okay with actual nursing....but no. I have nursed each baby individually and even together once (the coolest) for about 10 minutes and surprisingly the babies got it right the very first time and took off without a worry. I was shocked, because my breastfeeding experience with Sam was short-lived and just not fun for either of us. But these twins do a great job! Fantastic...except that even now that I'm home, the doctor wants me to keep feeding them the special 22 calorie breastmilk and preemie formula mix through bottles to guarantee they are getting enough calories to thrive (a.k.a. grow enough to make an appearance on the actual growth chart even at the 1 percentile).

What this means for me is that I can try to nurse them for about 5 minutes one or two times a day to help them latch and remind them it is possible. And follow that by feeding them the special milk cocktail....and then pump for 15-20 minutes. And repeat again when they are ready to eat 3 hours from the time the whole process started. Again, no fun.

One pretty amazing thing is the amount I am able to pump each time. It seriously is going up every single feeding/pumping time. At the beginning I was barely getting 40ml total and now each time I'm getting close to 120ml or more. I am keeping up with the demand of these babies, albeit BARELY. It is so crazy how your body adapts and just "knows" I guess.

So in short, I am a pumping machine. Oh wait, I forgot. I am a milking machine. :) Ben's favorite term for my constant state. It is probably because my mom picked up an awesome hands-free bustier/bra thing that I can pump with and do something else at the same time (like now by the way when I'm writing this blog post). It really does seem like I am just hooked up to a milking station.

Today at the twins' first pediatrician appointment, we were delighted to hear that my "milking" has paid off. Gabe had grown from 4lb 12oz at birth to 5lb 3oz two weeks later. Toby is up to 4lb 12oz from a birth weight of 4lb 6oz. When I explained the NICU's milk formula plan, the doctor actually stopped and looked at me and said, so you are pumping that much a DAY!!??!! When I laughed and said, yes, he looked at Ben and jokingly said I need regular massages and fresh squeezed orange juice, etc for accomplishing this crazy feat of supplying enough through pumping for two rapidly growing twin boys.

Alas, NO, I do not have to continue this craziness, but for real, what else do I have to do? I'm home. I am not working more than 15-30 minutes of catching up on emails a day. I may read one book a day which takes me about 2 hours total. I really am being pretty lazy right now. I'm mildly tired most of the day and all in all, breastmilk is the best thing for them. So I will keep up the milking for as long as I can tolerate it. Hopefully in two weeks when we go back to the pediatrician, the twins will make a blip on the growth chart and I can stop this nonsense and just nurse them, quickly, efficiently and successfully....

For now, the weight loss from pumping this much has been great....I've lost 20 pounds already and my wedding ring finally fits again. Yay for being married! Downside - I do nothing but feed and pump and repeat. Occasionally get to cuddle with the babies, but really, mostly I just feed and pump. :) And try to sneak a nap in sometime.

So in case you wonder what I'm up to with twin newborns, now you know. Here I will be. Stockpiling milk like a dairy farmer only to see every last drop consumed within a few hours...what we mommas do for our kiddos!

The Homecoming

Nine days. And my sweet little guys are finally home with us. Yes, that's right!?! They are rockstars and blew the "2-3 weeks" out the window.

I intended to write a post all about the NICU in general as went went through it and our experience with the nurses and whole process, but before I could write it we were sent home. Not complaining!

So here it is...in retrospect:

For the sake of anyone who ever has a baby in the NICU or may be interested, just some things I feel like sharing....first off, the nurses who care for our babies are tremendous. Yes, some of them have less than pleasant personalities. Sure, some of them are a little Nazi-like when it comes to protocols (thinking here of the dictator-style nurse who told me I had to have shoes on even though I was actually still admitted to the hospital and being taken to the NICU in a wheelchair). But most, especially the good ones, are just absolutely amazing. We experienced the complete range of personalities in our nurses for the babies, but I have to say that I appreciate each and every one of them so very much. There are always things to complain about or pick at, but at the end of the day, they are supposed to care more about those babies than us! And sometimes that can rub us wrong, but again, I appreciate it. My very favorite nurse Lynette was one we had multiple times over the course of the week. Fortunately, she ended up being the nurse who discharged us and we got to know her and about her family. A testament to how awesome she is - she adopted a baby boy out of the NICU suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome even though she has teenage daughters at home. What an amazing story!

One of the most memorable (and unpleasant) things about the NICU is the constant scrutiny. You have to literally ask for permission every single time you want to see your child(ren) and that is only within the parameters of "touch time" for each baby only once every three hours. Pick up the phone, ring the desk, then they call the nurse and ask....every time. Then the scrub in. Three solid minutes of scrubbing with industrial grade soap and a scrub brush up to the elbows. Burning and itching skin for days after a few times of this. Then you walk through a maze of beeping and flashing and alarms and babies to find your bundle(s) of joy. Sometimes you see crying parents by a baby's bedside. Sometimes there are babies who seem to never get any visitors....sad. It is just overwhelming at times. So finally when you reach your baby's bedside (if and when they are allowed to be touched) you are instructed to cover with a gown and then take their temperatures, change diapers, etc. Sounds easy, except they are watching EVERY SINGLE THING you do. Then the feedings. That was probably the roughest part for us. You have these teeny tiny babies who you are desperately trying to help and they don't eat well or normally....and they are SO delicate. Ugh. They spit up and you look around hoping that no one saw. They refuse to eat anymore and you feel like you failed because you know if they do not take their "expected" feeding that is seen as a setback. AHHH. NOT FUN. We learned to ask lots of questions, especially on feeding techniques. But in the end, we just had to ignore the observing eyes and focus on caring for our babies how they taught us...waiting for the day when eventually they would be OURS. And then, all of a sudden, one day Lynette caught me in the hall with a big smile and just said....so, you ready? I said, WHAT?? That's right, we want you to go to Care By tonight. Um...okay! I about fell over. Basically that meant that the twins passed the milestones necessary to go home (full feedings, gaining weight, maintaining body temperatures, 2 hour car seat check, hearing screening, vaccines, etc). The only last remaining "test" is the Care By room. And the reality is that it is truly an evaluation of our parenting. Yikes! The standard NICU policy is that when the baby is ready to go home, they check you in to a room literally across from the NICU. They bring you the baby and you have to stay in that room for one, two, or three days and nights (however long they decide necessary). That way if you have questions, concerns, issues, the NICU nurses are across the hall. They also check vitals a few times and generally try to get you comfortable caring for the preemie by yourself. In short, it feels a whole heck of a lot like them making sure you can hack it as a parent. Not the most enjoyable experience. To top it off, the room is a square box with the worst mattress in the world and squeaky doors. Not the best environment for sleeping...for parents or babies!

One unexpected development during our NICU experience was what I like to refer to as the "crazy lady." Oh yes. (NOW, before I proceed, I know that some of my closest friends and family embrace the "attachment parenting" philosophy. In addition, I know even more people who are committed to exclusive breastfeeding and cloth diapering. I applaud them all for their decisions and respect what they have chosen. However, I do not always have the same philosophies, for various reasons. But I would hope those who know me also respect me for the decisions I have made that we feel are best for our family). I digress...as usual.... :)

So back to the crazy lady. Please don't take offense if you lean this direction.....but there was a seriously CRAZY mom we got to know through our NICU experience. She was what I like to call a tree-hugging, hippie, au naturele parent. Complete with dreadlocks, hairy armpits (no joke), all organic clothing, and yes, you guessed it, a personal vendetta against ANY and ALL people (including doctors and nurses) who tried to take care of her tiny baby (born at 29 weeks by the way) in a way that didn't jive with her philosophies. Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for exclusive breastfeeding. REALLY I am. But when the doctor tells you that your child isn't gaining weight and that they feel it is in their best interest to "fortify" your breastmilk with LESS THAN A TEASPOON of formula so that they can survive and thrive, WHY in the world would you cuss out said doctor? Again, no joke. And when you try to bring in your homemade soap to give the baby a bath or buy a pack of natural preemie diapers you purchased online from Sweden, would you not expect the NICU staff to be apprehensive about infection control, hygiene or safety? And when you would rather feed whenever you want to instead of listen to the nurses who regulate feedings in the NICU and get all the babies on the schedule immediately for their benefit....And even though she announced every single day that she was a La Leche leader and popped out the goods for her 18 month old in the waiting room about every 10 minutes (which honestly I do not mind at all), if the doctors tell you that your child has a bowel obstruction or is too unstable to hold that day, why in the world do you fight them just so YOU can breastfeed your preemie???? Even in the short time we were in the NICU waiting room and around the other families, this young mom was constantly complaining about the NICU doctors and nurses. I just did NOT understand this lady. She just very wacky. THEN, I come to find out that on her breaks from caring for her child (which she says is more important than LIFE itself and she just wants to do it HER way), she goes out to SMOKE!!! And she openly told us this...Okay...seriously? I don't get it. Pretty sure that is NOT what your tiny preemie needs when you hold him. Just sickens me. The constant F-bombs she dropped also were a little annoying...Okay, I'm done ranting. :) Just a funny example of the type of people you meet. If it is any consolation, the crazy lady's husband was extremely nice...

So sorry for the rant, people! Out of all the NICU memories, I just know I will remember this mom and her wackiness. And I will be thankful for the doctors and nurses who recommended things for our twins and since we willingly obliged they were healthy, happy and able to go home earlier. It wasn't always how I would have wanted...I didn't even get to attempt to breastfeed them until day 8, but they did great once I was able to try. I don't love pumping every 3 hours and mixing with fortifying special preemie formula instead of feeding them myself (even though they will happily eat on their own directly) just to satisfy the NICU's scrutiny of their food intake and output. And that hasn't gone away - we have to continue this pumping craziness even at home to make sure they are still gaining weight like they need to. But the reality is that we got to take them home after 9 days! We listened to the doctors, did what they said, and our babies really are better off for it. Sometimes it just isn't about what we want. Good Lord, is that not what this entire pregnancy and process has been all about?

So here I am, sitting in my living room, happy that my babies are thriving, the NICU time is just a memory and we can finally live contently as a family of 5. Thanks to the wonderful NICU, they are already on a three hour feeding schedule and basically sleep the entire rest of the time. They do great, even at night. They are eating more every time and growing exactly like they should. In fact, the twins seem to be doing even better at home, eating more each feeding and just content and peaceful.

So many things to be thankful for. Yes, the homecoming was sweet, but the best is ahead. :)

The Day

I had a blog post planned for November 1. Was going to call it "The Month" and figured it would be a celebration of reaching the month when these babies were going to make their arrival....little did I know they had other plans! The day-the birthday of my twins - October 26, 2011.

WARNING - I promise this post is not terribly graphic or TMI, but I do talk about pregnancy, delivery, surgery and generally the labor & hospital process from start to finish. If this weirds you out please do not read further. ;) I gave away the punch line at the beginning...we now have two babies. Don't feel bad if you just don't want to know the rest.

For the brave souls: I woke up early the morning of Wednesday, October 26. I wasn't having contractions or any issues. Just a normal work day. I didn't work out and I'd straightened my hair and shaved on Tuesday so I decided to skip a shower that morning and just head to work (major regret later!) In fact, I left before 6:30am so I didn't even get to kiss Sam goodbye. Went to work and chatted with mom like normal on the way...pretty sure we talked about the plan for November 8 (scheduled csection). She joked about me having 12 days left and said she wanted to write a song about 12 days til babies....

Sometime mid-morning I got up from my desk at work to make my usual rounds (bathroom, fill up the water jug, etc) and noticed that when I stood up I really had to pee. So much so that I didn't feel like I quite made it to the bathroom before a tiny bit came out. ICK. I was kind of frustrated because I thought, great, yet another joy to deal with the next two weeks. Many women at the end, especially with twins report having a serious bladder control issue as the pregnancy progresses. GREAT. Just what I wanted to add to the growing list of fun, right? I had a pretty tight skirt on and was drinking tons of water so I really didn't think anything of it. So the day went on and I had several bouts of this trickle effect down under. (Trying not to gross too many people out here!) Left work at 11:15am for back to back meetings downtown. Had no problems for a few hours, but after sitting that long, when I stood up I knew I'd have an issue. Immediately after standing, there was more than a trickle this time. I had a quick fleeting thought of amniotic fluid but it's not like water was gushing or anything here people. Just slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed that I was losing bladder control! No one else could possibly tell so it's not like I walked around with a big old wet spot on my skirt. :)

Picked up Jimmy John's downtown and walking back to the car I had another "episode" but this time it did feel a little more concerning....thinking here "did that just drip on my leg?" I took a deep breath while I buckled up and texted Ben. I just said something like, "May be leaking amniotic fluid but I think I'm just peeing in my pants. Gross. Going home to rest and lay down." A little startling text, I'm sure. Ben was concerned and wanted to know if I was going to call the doctor, etc. Whew. So I reassured him I thought it was just a tiny bit of bladder leakage, embarrassing! And I told him I'd go lay down at home and make sure it still didn't happen when I wasn't vertical. I was slightly concerned but not too bad at this point. I was positive that once I was lying down it would stop.

Then I got home. I walked in the door, put my stuff down, and collapsed on the bed. Ironically I was watching Make Room for Multiples on TLC. :) About 15 minutes later while lying down, I seriously felt like I wet the bed. I called the doctor and remembered that my doctor is out of town this week. Great. The nurse told me to go to labor & delivery just to get checked out since it is often just a problem with bladder control. I stood up to change clothes, call Ben, etc. And then I knew. Let's just say my clothing on the bottom half was saturated 4 times in the next 15 minutes. YIKES. Keep in mind it was still 2pm or so at this point. Ben was planning to stay at work until we had more concrete information. I had texted my sister to let her know because I she was likely going to need to pick up Sam from school. (Yes yes, even in labor I was still my normal coordinating and task master self).

As I was hobbling around the house, trying to change clothes...and then change again...and trying to get my suitcase together (just in case)....and remembering that I hadn't taken a shower and debating to take one then....I was having major "gushing" (OKAY, TMI I am sorry!) and I realized all of a sudden that this was IT. I knew it. For real. No denial or wishing it wasn't. My water just broke.

At that same moment April called me and just said, "I can leave work right now and meet you at the hospital." And I cried. I cried that I was all alone at home trying to pack for the hospital and wetting myself like a senior citizen. I cried because I had just told Ben to stay at work and that I didn't mind waiting to call him once I had more info (Don't worry, I called him immediately back WHILE crying and just told him I needed him to come now). I cried because my sister offered what I didn't feel comfortable asking for. I cried because I hadn't made it. I hadn't gone 36 weeks, hadn't protected these babies enough. I knew it was too soon....well at least too soon to avoid the NICU. I cried because I was going to have to throw my plan out the window yet again. I cried because every time I really let out a sob I started leaking more fluid. I cried because Sam was at school and I hadn't gotten to say bye to him that morning. I cried because I knew my parents wouldn't make it in time from St. Louis. And mostly I cried because I felt like a failure. Just being honest! Not my proudest moment here.

Thankfully my sister-in-law and BFF Krystal answered my tear-filled emotional call and she calmed me down enough to drive to the hospital. Granted, I wasn't hysterical, just extremely worried and truly feeling like I failed. Which I can't say has changed, but we'll get to that another time....

When I pulled in to St. John's Ben had already arrived and staked out a spot up front. By staked out, yes I do for real mean he was standing in it not letting any other cars park. What a guy! :)

I hobbled into the hospital with Ben and April arrived as we were checking into triage. After a brief history, vitals (gained 38 pounds officially!), monitoring hookup and discussion with the nurse, the official confirmation came. Test on "water" showed it definitely was NOT bladder leakage. That is right. Toby apparently wanted out. Popped that amniotic fluid sac and I was in labor. No going back now. Stopping labor at that point increases risks for infection and fetal health. I was 34 weeks and 1 day. The doc on call (who we loved by the way!) just came in and said, well....you had your lung steroid shots, you are a little early, but we expect that with twins. Your doctors weren't going to stop your labor if it happened now anyway. And then he says....I have a csection to do right now and then we'll come get you. WAIT? WHAT? So, like now. NOW?

Um yes. He said, within an hour or two. HOLY. COW. Okay, so here we are again. All of a sudden, you are having these babies before 7pm tonight. Quick, call the family, etc. Arrange to pick up Sam at school, get him dinner, etc....ahhhhh. What a whirlwind that was.

And then the nerves started. I had stopped crying by this point, so it was just full on practical Carrie absorbing the enormity of what we were actually embarking on right here. We had wonderful nurses throughout the process of labor and surgery prep. I asked lots of questions and for the most part just tried to NOT freak myself out with the fact that our baby boys were coming early. And that meant NICU. And who knows what other complications.

The actual surgery itself was really getting to me also. Knowing about the painful recovery. Knowing about the strange and concerning feeling of being in there all alone before they would let Ben in. Knowing that half the people in the OR would be for the baby and wondering if I'd hear them cry or how healthy they would be. AHHH. Just so much worry.

The anesthesiologist keep looking me in the eyes and saying, Don't be anxious. I realized after a few times of this that I must have looked very nervous. Ben was very reassuring also, I just was totally and completely apprehensive and anxious about meeting these babies and enduring the surgery.

Keep in mind that all of this stress and worry was during the surgery prep time when I was in the labor and delivery room, and also when Ben's entire family arrived at the hospital AND Sam was there in the waiting room too. So I'm trying to be strong for them and at the same time trying to deal with the fact that I'm about to have some premature babies....eeek!

Then, before I know it....away we go. To the OR. Spinal block in. Strapped to the table. Cold. Noisy. What a blur. The doc comes in to take a seat and start just as they let Ben in to sit by me and hold my hand. We wait. What seems like forever but I know was barely a minute or two. And then we hear the doctor say, it's a boy! And I held my breath...looked at Ben and waited. Waited for the cry. I said it out loud, almost pleading..."cry, cry, cry!" Then....Toby cried! It was a squeaky, small cry but still a good cry. You could just tell he was little even by the cry. The doctor laughed and said he's holding onto the sheet! I guess that when Toby came out he grabbed the sheet next to me and wouldn't let go. Toby was born at 6:25pm and weighed 4lb 6oz and was 17.5 inches long. Away he went with the nurses to the side to get cleaned up and then another "BOY!" announcement. And again the wait for a cry. Toby was still crying and I couldn't distinguish at this point if there was another cry...then I realized that their cries sounded exactly the same which is why I couldn't tell. Cute! So Gabe cried too. The doctor laughed again and said, "he's peeing everywhere!" Oh yes, Gabe came out peeing. Gabe was born at 6:26pm and weighted 4lb 12oz and was 17 inches long.

I told Ben to go take pictures and he was able to go stand by the babies while the nurses did their stuff. He came back every so often to show me pictures but for the most part I wanted him to spend the rest of the surgery with our babies. The first question I asked of course when he came to sit down was, "how are they?" He showed me pictures and told me they were really good! Great color, breathing completely on their own, etc. Healthy! Awesome. What a relief. No crying for me yet at this point because I was grateful they were here but still worried about the unknown since they were early still. And I didn't feel like I had "made it" as far as the relief of knowing they were far enough along. Ick. About this same time, I noticed a LOT of pulling and tugging on my stomach (no pain of course because I had a spinal block), but just a lot of weird sensations on my stomach. I started feeling VERY nauseous and got scared. They had told me prior to surgery to let them know as soon as I felt sick because it could be a sign of crashing blood pressure. So I told them and they checked but my BP was still okay. Then the anesthesiologist explained that I probably felt sick because they had to take my uterus outside my body to clean and repair, etc. EW! Don't know if that was because Gabe peed, but the anesthesiologist just said sometimes they have to do that and it can be really uncomfortable. Again...EW! So for about 30 minutes I tried not to puke, and got increasingly anxious, so of course then my blood pressure DID drop. They fixed it right away but the nausea didn't stop completely. Ben came back during this time and I asked him to stay because I didn't feel well. At this point I stopped thinking about anything else but just willing myself not to puke. DISGUSTING. Sometime they brought both babies over to Ben and he was able to hold them both and I could see them - what a blessing!!!

Soon after they took the babies to the NICU and Ben left with them. Once the surgery was over I started feeling less nauseous and began the shakes....oh yes, the violent twitching, shivering shakes. Just a byproduct of the change in hormones, they told me. Lovely. It lasted about an hour. They wheeled me into my labor and delivery recovery room, and that nurse was amazing. She told me that the babies had APGAR scores of 8 & 9 which was amazing for preemies. She said that is normal for a full term infant. So she was telling me they were doing great, since of course I was worried (again!) about that.

This was a hard time for me because I was feeling awful, anxious about the babies and all alone. My parents were supposed to be at the hospital by this point, so I called my mom to see if she could come sit with me during the two hour recovery. They got delayed by accidents so I called April and she didn't answer. Too funny. Finally the nurse offered to go to the waiting room to get April and Krystal. Just then April knocked on the door and I was so happy to see her. I explained everything that happened. They went and got Krystal and it was great to see her. Then other family took turns coming in and eventually Ben came back with pictures of the babies.

At 8pm they took me back to my permanent room. Whew. And the rest is just an endless round of 4 night and 5 days of nurses, checks, trips to the NICU, etc. Honestly, St. John's was absolutely fantastic. They were so attentive to me, so understanding and patient. The private room was awesome (well I'm not sure Ben would agree since the couch and the recliner were less than stellar places to sleep for him), and I just had amazing nurses. One in particular, Nina, came in one morning after she had been our nurse for several days and asked how the twins were doing. When we told her they were doing well, she just got a huge smile and said she had been praying for them. How sweet is that!

The pain, as expected, was and continues to be a challenge for me. But honestly, I can deal with pain after not being able to move or over-do it for the sake of the babies while pregnant. At least now I know nothing serious is going to happen...I'm just going to be in PAIN. And that is better. I think mentally preparing myself that it was going to be rough motivated me to get up sooner and walk more. As soon as I was able, I got up, stood up and made myself grit my teeth and start walking, knowing that I'd be able to go to the NICU if I pushed myself. And it worked! Was able to go back to the NICU very quickly and kept up the walking and pushing myself and after a few days, it really did get much better. Very good. All in all, my recovery has been expectedly painful and unexpectedly quick. I'm hanging in there, still very sore from the csection, but trying not to dwell on it.

The family support and help has been tremendous, and I think having people around us has gotten me through some harder patches of really thinking about being in the hospital after delivering babies and NOT having them in the room with me, NOT taking them home with me...NOT getting to hear their every cry or attend to their needs. It is rougher than I could have imagined. But family and friends have been bright spots in a difficult situation. We appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers more than we can ever express.

Now onto the information everyone really is dying to hear, this I know. How are those babies? Yes, yes, I know I could have included that through this post, but there has been such a rollercoaster and learning curve with the NICU to even begin to explain. I tried writing this post every day since Wednesday, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had very positive moments and very emotional ones these last 5 days. Elation to worry to guilt and everything in between. Hormones do not help the situation, and as you can all imagine, I have really had to remind myself of the 'practical Carrie response' and try to embrace the "me" who is still inside and just dealing with all of this craziness. :)

I digress. So...the babies. Toby and Gabe are just amazing. They look a lot like Sam, but with lighter hair. Originally we could tell them apart more - Toby had a narrower face and Gabe's nose was a little fatter. But as the days go by, those features become more and more similar. I have to say I don't know that I could actually tell them apart anymore! It is pretty crazy and fun. Their personalities are different too. Toby is feisty and alert more. He is a huge cuddler (so sweet). Gabe is extremely lazy and likes to stretch out. He kicks off every blanket and doesn't seem thrilled with enclosed spaces or swaddling. The more I think about it, the funnier it is to me....Toby in my stomach was curled up just like he is now and Gabe was completely stretched as far as he possibly could be and kicked me constantly. Just awesome how those traits have carried over.

When the twins were first born, we were elated that they didn't have to be on oxygen or have breathing assistance of any kind. Thank you lung steroid shots at 31 weeks! They were a healthy color and their first tests showed no infection of any kind (rare I guess for their size/term). So they didn't have to be hooked up to a ton of apparatus-type machines, which was awesome. We have been able to hold them since they were born, thankfully. They are both very healthy with no complications or health concerns. Thank you God! Within about 12 hours we got a crash course in NICU verbiage and procedures. Basically, the boys are only in the NICU at this point because they are too young for their bodies to know how to eat. Which means that they have to learn to suck, swallow AND digest food. The suck & swallowing came right away, but digesting the food takes time with little bitty stomachs. And two more weeks of "cooking" really would have made a significant difference with this ability. So there is nothing wrong with them, and no problem with them at all, but simply due to being 34 weeks they are physically not capable of eating without being trained. So what that means for us is a few weeks in the NICU to "feed." They start with a tiny amount of formula/breastmilk and work their way up to larger amounts. While they do this, they put IVs in and give them what I like to call gatorade, but in reality April explained to us is IV nutrients (electrolytes, potassium, etc) that bypass the stomach. So all they need to grow and sustain life is delivered to them in an IV, allowing them time to learn to eat so that we can take them home. In the time we were in the hospital, a lot has happened. The NICU nurses and doctors have explained as we have gone through each thing, and in short, there are great strides made every day and setbacks all the same. None of the setbacks are out of the ordinary or even concerns. We keep being reminded by the nurses that they are doing exactly what is expected for 34 weeks - which means an up and down road in learning to feed. Very very early on Toby was throwing up when eating, which wasn't great. They decided to put in a feeding tube through his nose to make sure they could still stimulate his belly with milk even if he wasn't taking food from a bottle so great. Gabe at this time was chugging along doing excellent. Then a day later they switched places. Toby took off, stopped spitting up and hasn't needed the feeding tube once. In fact, it was taken out completely last night! Gabe on the other hand started out with no issues feeding and a day later, the spit up and then the feeding tube for him. Eventually Gabe had "residuals" in his stomach, which means they find undigested milk from the previous feeding in his stomach still. If they find too much of this, they cannot feed him the next time. So for a day or so, Gabe's feedings stopped completely. Added to that, he had to have a PICC line put in (which is a longer-term IV of sorts) since he wasn't eating as much. The PICC line involves an actual sterile procedure, and it ended up going into a vein in his head...ick. They warned us that was a possibility, but again, he was a trooper. And again, the NICU nurses reassured us this is totally normal in the roller coaster ride to teaching preemies to eat. So much so that the PICC line nurse does the procedure every DAY on babies in the NICU. That did make us feel a little better. Gabe started feedings the next day again (back at the beginning smaller amounts of course and ironically the same day my milk supply kicked in so he was able to get the easier to digest breastmilk) and hasn't looked back since. Here we are a few days later, and after increasing from a start of 5CCs of formula/milk per feeding and going up 1 or 2 CCs per feeding, Toby has reached the "full" feeding amount of 37 ML and Gabe is up to 24 ML. They are rock stars! Toby got his IV out yesterday and they removed his feeding tube last night. Gabe's nurse just told me today they are going to stop Gabe's IV fluids because he is eating great, and soon they will remove his feeding tube also. We are reminded pretty much daily that either of them could start to have trouble again with their small tummies, so we are just happy they've come this far. After they get to full feedings, they just have to put on weight and keep having regular diaper changes. Then the next step is moving from an isolette (which we also learned is a better step from the monitoring open bed that they were in when we first saw them) to a simple open crib once they maintain their body temperature and then HOME. We spoke with the doctor yesterday and he told us most of the time 34-weekers tend to go home a few weeks before their 40 week original due date. He estimated for us the third week in November and told us he can't wait to see them when they are 3 years old running circles around us. Oh, and he also said they were very handsome. :)

So here I am. About to finish this post after giving birth to these amazing little boys about six days ago. I'm sitting in the NICU waiting room tearing up because some of the other sets of parents are discussing their babies and one said theirs was "stable." Another parent got a huge smile and just said, "Well that's great news." I am just humbled and blessed and so incredibly thankful. My babies are so much more than stable. They are perfectly healthy. Praying for things to stay that way and confident that God has continued to carry our load through these twists and turns. What absolutely amazing gifts He has given us. Even though the road wasn't as I had "planned" I am trusting in each day that God has supplied us enough strength to get through. And soon those few short weeks will fly by, as they did during the pregnancy, and our precious gifts will be at home with us. Looking forward to that day.

The Bedrest

I just couldn't resist....NO I am not on bedrest! And that's the point! No reason to worry, no gossip needed. Nothing happening here, folks.

Major celebration this week. After my doctor's appointments I came to this crazy realization....wait a second! The docs are not going to stop my labor IF it happens from now forward. Which means....NO bedrest. NO pre-babies extended hospital stay, even if I develop preclampsia or something like that. They will just deliver the babies at that point. In short - I made it! I actually made it! Bedrest? No sir. No ma'am. Not this twin momma!

I cannot even count the number of people who have told me this entire pregnancy that they are expecting bedrest or early delivery. Well....early delivery could certainly still happen. 2 weeks and counting. But the bedrest concern is gone. How incredible is that!!??!! What a tremendous relief and just a blessing. Again, one of those things that I feel God is just saying, "See, didn't you all trust me!" So very thankful.

And here we are. I left work Friday with less than 30 emails in my inbox. Holy cow that in itself is a crazy thing. And it's 8pm on Saturday night...another weekend day to go and I will officially be starting my LAST week of work as a mommy of 1. Wow. Also shocked that I made it this long working too! Granted, I've been significantly reducing my workload and work day itself, coming home mid-day to work from home with my feet up and in comfortable clothes. Just taking 30 minutes to lay down right when I get home mid-day is giving me the energy and strength to finish working for the day. A huge relief and will pay off for sure when I am able to spend the whole 12 weeks at home with my babies. Still totally insane that next week is the last week in October and I am going to (probably!) finish out the week working and make it to Friday. Even though I'm the one who chose that date to be done, it still seemed like such an impossible goal 2-3 months ago. And it is within my grasp now!

Then, of course, we have the craziest part of all this - In 2 weeks I am going to have two babies! Anyone else really feeling the reality of this besides me? I mean, this whole pregnancy we've been wanting to "make it." Wanting these babies to be healthy. Wanting just another week. Wanting low risk, no complications, etc. And now...here we are. The babies are truly going to be FINE now. And...that means...we are going to be bringing home two newborn baby boys. AHHHH!!! Such a funny thing to think about.

In my head I've officially moved from the concern about being on bedrest or the babies being born too early....and now I'm fully aware of the things to come: Surgery. Two Babies! Recovery. (UGH!) Two Babies! Diaper Duty. Two Babies! Breastfeeding. Two Babies! Big Brother Adjustment. Two Babies! Visitors at Home. Two Babies! Sleep? HAHA. Two BABIES!

Can you guess where my head has been? TWO BABIES. This is real. This is happening. God has brought us this far and now here we are onto the "most" challenging part.....trusting that somehow, someway, we are going to manage going from a family of 3 to 5 in a matter of minutes. This is our reality, not just a prayer. Not just a hope and wish. We REALLY are going to have two babies in two weeks. I know you may be thinking, "Duh Carrie, you are having two babies - where have you been?" But it is true. I have been so focused on making it this far that I didn't always allow myself to truly ponder the actual REALITY of bringing home two newborn baby boys.

My bags are packed. Diaper bag is ready. The house & baby gear are assembled & prepped. We are completely ready. I pulled some sample twin charts out again today and thought to myself that I really need to create one I'll use and print them out....because before I know it we will be HOME with TWO BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And needing a feeding schedule and diaper mess tracking and so much more...added to the fun fact that they will be IDENTICAL so we will still need to make sure to tell them apart somehow. (Green nail polish for Gabe's toe is already packed in my bag - thank you April!)

I feel like we need carnival theme music playing here....let the circus commence!