The Year

It has certainly been a memorable one. Whether you look at the year behind or the year ahead, there is an undeniable blessing attached to both.

Who would have thought a year ago today that I'd be the mommy of three kids, survived a twin pregnancy, delivery, NICU stint and the first two months with preemie twins. Whoa. It has been TOUGH. Not gonna lie. :)

I can honestly say without hesitation that carrying, delivering and now caring for my family this year has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. It has required every sacrifice, every focus, every determination, everything I have inside to keep on keeping on day after day in the whirlwind of my crazy life.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and thankful for an amazing past 12 months. I am ending 2011 with a truly great life.

Toby & Gabe are healthy and happy. Sure, we struggle with lack of sleep and reflux and schedules and crying and fussiness....and laundry & dishes....and more laundry & dishes!!! But every time we see the pediatrician or the home health nurse, they marvel at how well the twins are doing. How bright-eyed they are, and how they are just thriving. This week, Gabe weighed in at 9lb 13oz and Toby at 9lb 5oz. They have more than doubled their birth weights now in two months and have made a mark on the actual growth charts! I am enjoying their baby days so much more than I did Sam's. Despite the 'round the clock' care and sheer exhaustion from handling (and juggling) the needs and wants of two babies, it really is still enjoyable to see their eyes open, recognize my face and grow still just staring back into my eyes. I cannot wait for the first real smiles and for the next phase ahead (OH, and the longer sleeping!), but for now, on the last day of the year, I am reminded of how quickly year after year passes by.

Samuel is just my joy. He is smart and funny. He is quirky and loving. He's compassionate and stubborn. Such a blend of Ben and I, and just an all around amazing little boy. Or I guess I should say BIG boy! Sometime this year...among the trials of pregnancy and the pressure of the hospital stay and the hazy newborn days, my firstborn grew up. Gone are the daily...okay more like hourly...temper tantrums. Gone is the little boy smell. Gone are the fights about clothes...and shoes...and coats...and toys....and food....and...well everything. Just gone. Somewhere along the way, as life flew by for us, my precious Sam has become not just a big brother, but a kid. I was talking to my mom right after the twins were born, lamenting the fact that Sam just argues about everything...and that no matter what you ask him to do, it is a fight, and we are constantly dealing with three-year-old fits and a whiny boy. She just smiled and said that 4 years old is SO much better. I laughed at her and said, well we are almost there and I don't see it. She reminded me that, like everything, some day I will realize there hasn't been a fit that day...and soon it will stretch out to a week...and eventually we'll realize he has grown out of the truly terrible 3's. And so it has happened. I have hugged Sam with tears in my eyes more times than I can count the past few weeks, SO proud of him for doing awesome with the babies. SO proud of him for not fighting me when I really need him to cooperate because I'm juggling too much already and I don't know how much else I can add to my plate, and just SO stinkin' proud of him for becoming the kid I knew was in there...and worked so hard to help shape for the last 3 years!!!

My husband. We are so different. HAHA. But I know if I had another "me" running around this house we may be a tad more stressed and high strung than we are now! This year Ben has stepped up and taken on so much more than I ever expected or asked him to. He really was the primary caregiver for Sam, as I was forcing myself to take it easy during pregnancy and then recovering from deliver...and then caring for newborns. No matter what I need, Ben is always there for me, with an encouraging word, long hug or most importantly, a laugh. I don't think I could have done this...no, correction...I KNOW I could NOT have done this last year without Ben. His charming smile and ability to make me laugh haven't wavered in our almost 9 years of marriage, and for that I am thankful. Yes, there are frustrating days. No, we do not always get along. But I can honestly say I think we've only had one real fight since the babies were born, which if you really lived in my house every day and saw the kind of craziness, stress, lack of sleep and just INSANE-NESS that this twin life is, is pretty good. We are ringing in this New Years different from all the rest...I will be asleep and Ben will be feeding babies. What a guy!!

This New Year marks 5 years at my job, and I can say without hesitation that I am looking forward to going back to work in three short weeks. I don't mean that I won't miss the babies...or a clean house and dinner on the table like clockwork every day. But there is something invaluable about loving your job that just cannot be matched. I love the people. I love my boss. I love the mission. I love the crazy, ever-changing and always interesting actual work that I do on a daily basis. In contemplating finances and what in the world we are going to do about paying for daycare here soon, it has crossed my mind once or twice that perhaps I should look for another job with higher pay. But every single time I have that fleeting thought, I am 100% certain I would not be happy anywhere else. OCH has a flexible, family-friendly and incredibly supportive work environment that you just don't find. I can hardly believe that five years has flown by and look forward to jumping back in, gung ho Carrie, ready for whatever is ahead at work on January 23.

My struggle with weight over the years is like any woman I think. Losing pounds post baby with Sam was horrible. I worked out like a fiend for 10 months really before seeing the scale move at all, but this time I am delighted to announce that as of this morning I have 9.6 pounds left to lose before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. Holy cow. I can hardly believe it. I know that a lot of that is due to breastfeeding...AKA pumping. It burns a ton of calories, which is good considering that I pigged out during the holidays in the last month. But most of the weight loss I know is because I was determined to stay in shape, safely and with the blessing of my doctor. I ate better and did yoga the entire time. I'm sure another big bonus in losing the weight this time is that I have no time to breathe, much less eat or anything else. I am carving out 18 minutes every other day for a quick workout and making myself eat healthier than I ever have. It has been so successful that I told my coworker that I planned to start taking my lunch to work, like she does (so inspiring and much healthier than the hospital cafeteria)! I basically have various kinds of wraps or soup or a combination of those every single day for breakfast and lunch. Along with lots of fresh veggies and fruits. And of course, since Ben has had to go on a low cholesterol, low fat and low salt diet, our dinners have been MUCH healthier also. All in all, a great combination for dropping the weight. I'm still in pants a few sizes bigger than I want, and I know those last 10 pounds are going to linger for a LONG time, but I'm hoping that with my stubbornness and a lot of work I can hit the goal by the time I see New Years Eve 2012.

And so here we are...12 hours from the New Year. Despite the struggles and frustrations and fears and everything else, this has been one of the best years of my life. And the most shocking. I turn 30 in 5 months. I will be done having kids, back to (almost) my normal sized self and living a life I could not have even imagined 10 short years ago. The only other thing I had planned that won't be happening anymore is a birthday trip to NYC with Apes....ah well. We'll make a go of it another year. I got twins this year instead. ;)