The War

Most days at some point I look down at my beautiful baby boys and have a serious reality check. I am the mom of twins. TWINS. How did this happen? It is just so crazy, really. I cannot believe that we made it past their original due date (December 6) and that the twins are six weeks old. They are growing like crazy and doing so well. I am beyond thrilled and generally pretty positive, honestly! However, the day to day does wear on me. I do feel like the theme of our house the past few weeks has been like a battlefield. Yes, that's right. War. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It's a minefield in here!

The single biggest battle we fight every day....every three-ish hours...is burping. No joke. Tried every possible method, and no go. We get SO frustrated. Not to mention the babies get SO uncomfortable...and then refuse to eat anymore (which means they are fussy and won't sleep or if they do sleep wake up early because they didn't eat enough!). We've gotten to where some feedings take more than hour just because they refuse to burp. And then everytime we think we've figured out the "magic" touch to get them each to burp it stops working and we're back to square one. Boo. This stinks. I seriously despise burping babies now. And you can't be mad at the babies...the poor guys are just wailing with gas pain, begging us to help them burp, and we fail. Miserably!!!!!

Another battle? Breastfeeding. Or should I say Bottle Feeding with Breast Milk. Ugh again. Yup, I got clearance from the pediatrician a few weeks ago to start nursing, but the twins will not latch on and nurse for any length of time anymore. Should have known - they got bottles (easy!) for a month straight. It was good for their growth (and required by the NICU and then the doctor) so I'm not upset about it, but this does mean that I have to continue the pumping craziness. Generally I like to pump while I'm feeding the babies simply to be efficient. Unfortunately, all the moving around while trying to feed and burp and pump didn't go so well, and my body protested and I ended up with soreness and cracking (TMI sorry!!) and just ... PAIN. So now I am feeding them and then when they go down for a nap each time after they eat, I'm pumping...for 30 minutes. Then repeating the cycle an hour later. Doesn't leave me that much time for anything else. Between a shower, eating meals and picking up the house (laundry/dishes/etc) it is 4pm before I can blink. Yikes. I've been trying to combine activities....(I'm laughing at myself because I just contemplated making cookies while pumping and decided to sit down with the laptop instead!)....so I can work a bit or fold laundry while I pump. All in all, it's not that big of deal, but it does seem like a battle. I really wish I was one of those people that the whole breastfeeding thing was easy and smooth and truly enjoyable. Not so much. :( I'm still keeping it up for now. Please pray for my attitude!! I am a slave to this pump. To top it all off, I'm no longer producing enough milk by pumping to keep up with the growing boys. I have enough for 12 bottles a day out of 16. So for two feedings the babies get just formula. No choice!!!! (Sigh!)

Don't even get me started on the battle with money. Getting very nervous about going back to work and attempting to afford childcare. I have six weeks left, and I cannot even really talk about it without getting depressed. Oh, and to top it off - we got a letter sent home this week and Sam's school costs are going up. Lovely. We are in this weird divide of making too much to qualify for any subsidy at our daycare and then making too little to actually be able to afford it! So what do we do? One of us not working anymore isn't an option - and when you calculate it out it really won't put us in a better spot. So what's the answer? Who knows. Praying hard and trusting that God's "blessing" will provide. At the same time, though, planning for extra income so we can still eat and have a roof over our heads. Ben is looking into possibly an additional part time job, and I'm going to start doing some more work from home now...in my spare time, right? HAHAHA. :) I. Hate. Money. I really do.

At the same time I cannot believe the twins are six weeks old, I cannot believe that I've stayed home with them all day every day now for over a month. It is such a new experience being a stay at home mom (albeit temporarily). I wish I was one who could let the house go, camp out on the couch snuggling my baby all day and watch all the movies and TVs I've been saving on the DVR. Alas, not my life (the holding the baby all day thing is kind of impossible when you have two little ones to care for...). I have realized how nice it is to actually go to work and leave the house messy!!!! For real! Normally, I can go to work, not look at the laundry needing to be folded or the floors needing to be vacuumed. Seriously. But now, I'm here. I'm living in it every day, and I just cannot be here in the house all the time, unable to leave because of the twins and stumbling over laundry baskets and such. So...I have assumed the role of maid. This is new for me. Since I have always worked full time, Ben and I have largely shared household duties. Sure, Ben and April still help with dishes and take out the trash, but for the most part, the entire rest of the housework, picking stuff up and maintaining things is solely on my shoulders now. I have a profound respect and appreciation now for all the Stay at Home Moms who have to care for the kiddos AND attempt to clean the house regularly....and if they don't have time they still have to be IN the house while it isn't picked up. Would drive me crazy!!!

One of the more lighthearted battles I'm fighting is the weight, of course. What new mom doesn't? Since I hit the 6 week post c-section mark, I started my workouts again. My awesome Moms Into Fitness DVD series I used throughout the pregnancy has a Postnatal Boot Camp. And wow. It is intense. I just started this week and my whole body feels it. Lots of pain, but in that good "I worked my muscles really hard and feel things toning" kind of way. Hope it pays off!!! I have lost 25 pounds and have just under 13 left to lose before starting this workout. I didn't gain a ton of extra weight everywhere else, but my baby belly is still a bit bigger than 6 weeks postpartum with Sam. Probably because it was HUGE with twins!!! So still need to work on my fitness. ;) Not a bad war. And it makes the sleepless nights a little easier. Working out helps me fall asleep better at the end of the day and gives me enough energy to make it through when I'm running on 4 hours of "sleep."

SIGH.

HAHA - so after reading the above you get a good glimpse into the "not-so-happy-go-lucky and always positive" Carrie. I guess that's what happens with lack of sleep and a perpetual cycle of baby, baby and more baby feeding, burping (or not), changing, etc. I'm not totally lost though. ;) And I really am NOT complaining. I hope you take this fun ranting above as a tired mommy explaining the crazy frustrations of new parenthood....in reality I am still having fun. Still enjoying the growing alertness of the twins. Still loving holding them close and smelling that perfect new baby smell...still loving rocking them and hearing their breathing slow down and their bodies relax as they are content and happy. Every time I start to feel the war a bit too much, I force myself to remember how quickly this phase passes by. How this is the last time my babies will be babies...and the last time I will ever have babies (PLEASE GOD). :) Even more than this, when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding them and so tired I can barely hold my head up, I think about my friends who cannot have children. And how much they would give anything to be up all night with a newborn. (Tears!!!) And I am SO incredibly thankful for every single moment with Toby & Gabe. It's just that simple.