I will be gut-level honest here and tell you willingly that I intended to name this post "The Lack." I'm never sure what to write about, but when I get the title in my head as a theme for the week or day, I know then that's what I should use. So there it popped - The Lack. Like a dark cloud over my head this week. I bet you can guess what major Lack I'm referring to!! Yup, that's right...Sleep!
And so I started formulating what else I could write about that would be appropriate given the Lack of many things lately....sleep, time, money, sanity, brain function? What else is there? The past 12 weeks have truly taken their toll, and The Lack seemed like a fitting explanation for what I feel like some days....
And then, sometime this afternoon it dawned on me. April will be off work tomorrow, and so my last real day at home by myself on maternity leave with these babies was today. It blew right past me and was almost over before I realized it. I kept thinking...oh I have another day!!! But, no. Sure, I will have tomorrow off work, but we have to make a trip to Sam's school in the morning and April here will be nice for the extra set of hands, but it just isn't the same as being a true SAHM (stay at home mom) winging it solo on this twin train. Alas, my time with my boys is up.
I've had several friends go back to work in the past year after being off on maternity leave and all of them have the same thought I think....despite the fact that we love our jobs...despite the fact that this is our life and we HAVE to work financially....despite the fact that we secretly (okay, sometimes not so secretly) will enjoy donning clean attire and makeup and looking like a presentable human being....despite all of this...there is always that nagging, tiny shred of mommy guilt. No matter how much we try to escape it, the guilt creeps in and there's no way around it.
So what do we do? We hug our little one(s) and try not to think about them every moment of the day while we're away so we can get some work done....and it gets easier as time goes by. I know eventually I will look forward to the dreaded 7pm nightly feeding because I haven't had to do it like clockwork every three hours through the day. I might even enjoy (okay, that's too strong...how about not hate) the middle-of-the-night wake up call(s) as a chance to cuddle and kiss their smiley faces.
Now that I've got some perspective as I approach the end of my maternity leave (and by perspective I mean my coping mechanism for not breaking down and being a strong working momma who doesn't cry all day!), I think it's time for me to reflect on what I've gained....
Superhuman Mommy Magic: I've said it several times the past week and I'll say it again. I am a mommy machine. Never in my life have I worked so hard as I've done in the past three months...okay, really in the past year. I only thought I was Type A workaholic before. Oh no. It has been taken to a whole new level. I literally cannot stop or our house will simply cease to function. And by that I mean, no dinner, no clean clothes, no baths, no food in the fridge, no bills paid, nothing. At the end of some days I cannot even remember how I accomplished this much, and yet the house is still not clean at all (notice that cleaning toilets and mopping floors was not on my list I haven't even thought of starting those chores yet, thank you parents who come every few weeks and clean my house for me!). Sometimes I think that God made women with special powers. Somehow between no sleep and keeping track of 5 people's schedules and organizing meals and coordinating plans for who knows what, life has actually kept moving forward. That just amazes me. I definitely did not know I was capable of this.
The Ability to Function with Less: Initially this really means less brain function. But really it is functioning with less everything. Time & money being the biggest and most clearly felt. Have to tell you, at about 8pm, I really have a hard time holding an actual conversation. My mind is a muddy mess of fuzzy sleep-deprived mush. And don't even get me started on the money. I've had that rant too many times to count. I've gotten a paycheck for 32 hours a week instead of 40 for the last three months, and somehow we are surviving. And I have less time than ever before to finish what needs to be done, but I feel like it is the deadline mentality...because I have less time, I work that much harder/faster to get it done. And, again, somehow, someway it ends up functioning....albeit not always smoothly.
Flexibility: Perhaps more shocking than anything else I've gained, I simply cannot operate in my normal super-organized, structured and methodical way. Twins have forced me to throw my hands in the air and shake my head (and sometimes cry in frustration). There is no plan that works. No parenting philosophy or book that has the answers. I just cannot care as much. It is SO hard for me. I have found myself saying, "Do whatever you want." Or even, "It doesn't matter really." Or sometimes, "Whatever works." What? Really? Who is this person who has taken over my body? Oh, I know. It is the crazy mom of twins who is just trying to get some sort of routine going so we can have a "normal" day. SIGH. Rough. I found finally that when I stopped trying so hard to get the twins on a schedule and just started enjoying the time I had with them, it ended up falling into place. So yes, being flexible has actually paid off. For the most part, the babies eat and nap at the same times and we have a routine. Not really a schedule down to the minute, but at least a routine.
Faith: A few weeks ago I was commiserating with my sister-in-law Krystal about how much I have changed through this process. I remember telling her that I don't think I can ever look at faith the same after this experience. To be honest, I've never been a person who just easily trusted God. Who could put it in His hands and let it be. Not surprisingly, I'm a tiny bit of a control freak. :) And a little crazy about needing a plan. We all know how that turned out...in every single way, my life has been turned upside down and my plan thrown out the window, run over by a car and then paved over with fresh asphalt. I don't know that I could have learned this lesson of faith any other way. It has been a trying journey, for sure, but I'm so blessed that God took me on the journey in the first place. I can say with confidence that I am no longer in control. My plan means nothing. Don't worry, I'm still me and will still be prepared, but I will never again go into a situation or life in general without that genuine trust in God. I have seen it. I have lived it. I know that He has a plan for my life that is "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20).
Lots gained. Yes, some things lacking. But nothing that really matters. Thankful for some good perspective as I head into the next fun journey at work on Monday. Bye, bye mommy guilt! I'm choosing not to be sad. Looking back with happiness, love and thankfulness for the time I was able to spend with my wee ones. Feels like the end, but I know it is only the beginning. We've got so much fun (and craziness) to look forward to....thankfully I'm not in control. ;)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
The Numbers
It's a new year and I figured I'd shake things up with a different perspective on my twin mommy life. In reality everything can be broken up in a logical way numerically....
1 - Gallons I pump on a good day. Yup, that's right - I am getting nearly 64 oz of milk out of these 'girls' every single day. Whoa. Never in a million years thought I would still be breastfeeding at this point. I've gone twice as long as I did with Sam (yay!) and we've settled into a fairly manageable routine of feeding, pumping...and repeating that process all day and night without too much pain, agony or misery. I'm finally producing enough to even freeze extras on rare occasions, and I'm doing one nighttime feeding of formula every day so that the babies stay used to the consistency since they will likely get a few feedings of formula at daycare through the week. Still, I cannot say I love it. Or even like it. The babies refuse to nurse and by this point it is just easier to keep pumping and doing bottles since they are still getting the good stuff either way. Supposedly my chest size is going to even out and return to normal about now...ummmm...not happening so much. Depressing since I gained several sizes after having Sam, even despite losing weight. Really REALLY hoping I don't continue to gain in size. Yikes. I may tip over!! Just Kidding. I tried on a bunch of clothes, knowing they would easily cover my stomach and shockingly they do not even remotely fit over my chest. Who would have thought that would be my issue with weight/size this time around? Not me. Ah well. Babies get the good stuff and I have the cup size some women dream about...unless they have it already and then they PRAY TO GOD it goes away!
2 - Weeks until I go back to work. Cannot believe my maternity leave is almost over!!! Spending this precious time with the twins has been wonderful. Not always easy....okay, not EVER easy. But still pretty wonderful. I am so grateful to my work for letting me take the time without hesitation and with encouragement. I'm so thankful that it took long enough for me to get pregnant this time around that I actually had enough paid time off to keep receiving a paycheck for the entire 12 weeks. And I'm beyond blessed for having so many moments with the twins I will never forget in these crazy first 3 months of 'twinfancy.'
3 - Times my water bill has increased. No joke. Started pre-twins with $50ish a month. Now it is up to $175. Yikes. Thank you billions of loads of laundry and dishes. Nuff said.
4 - Times I have to give out acid reflux medication in a day. Unfortunately, at about 7 weeks old, both babies started to have some signs of reflux, including crying hysterically in pain after eating, spitting up abnormally and waking up early out of a sound nap crying out in pain and drawing up their legs or arching their backs. No good. Doc diagnosed reflux and the medicine has been slowly helping.
5 - Number of people in our family now with the added kiddos I have now. Whew. T.I.R.E.D. Sam has decided after almost 4 years of sleeping 12 hours solid at night to wake up every day about 5 or 5:30am and ask us if it is morning yet. BLAH. Granted, this is just about the time I have made my way back into bed after a baby feeding, so I'm sure he is stirred awake by baby noises and me wandering around the house, but still. No fun. But, alas, we are now a family of 5.
6 - Number of hours the babies can now go without eating! Now this is a huge milestone. We wake them up every 3 hours to feed them during the day, but in the last week or so (really since Christmas) the twins are actually making it from a 7pm feeding until about 12:30am or so before needing to eat! HALLELUJAH. It will only get better from here. (And yes, I am chanting this over and over in my head). This is the only time of the day they will stretch this long. Normally after about midnight they still wake up every 3-4 hours. But at least there is now one longer stretch. I get asked all the time when they should start sleeping more, and this is what I know: Sam slept through the night at exactly 12 weeks. We had him on a "sleep training" plan from Day One where we fed every 2-3 hours and did the eating, waketime and sleep cycle all day long. He slowly stretched the time between feedings and eventually went to 4am, then 5am, then 6am and soon we were waking HIM up in the morning. BLISS. With the twins, I expect something similar because we are doing the same eat/wake/sleep cycle. BUT...and this is a big BUT....with premature babies, you basically have to add in the weeks they shouldn't have been born to when they do things. So if we can expect it at 12 weeks or so...we have to add 6 weeks to that since they were born 6 weeks early. So, alas, I am hoping (and praying!) that by 18 weeks old they will finally be sleeping at least 8 hours a night. Please. God. Others with twins say it take 6 months or so. It is harder with two babies...because if one wakes up they can wake the other. And if one wakes up, we wake the other up to keep them eating at the same time so they are sleeping at the same time, hungry at the same time, etc. In our case usually it is Toby who wakes up hungry but Gabe is a great sleeper. So sometimes I wonder how much longer Gabe would have kept sleeping if Toby hadn't woken up and needed to eat. We'll see soon enough. Or maybe not SOON. But soon in the scheme of things I suppose.
7 - Time in the morning we do our first feeding and officially start our day...soon to be moved up or we won't make it to work on time! 7 is also the number of times the babies eat each day since they just started cutting out one nighttime feeding...stretching to 12:30am instead of one at 10pm and then another at 1am. OH, and 7 is also the amount of maximum hours of sleep I can get now! I am getting about 5-6 uninterrupted and a few more here and there between feedings. This is a HUGE improvement over the 3-4 hours of sleep I was getting a night just a few short weeks ago. It already seems like time is flying by. YAY!
8 - Times a day I pump, pump, pump. Oh joy. The twins have cut a nighttime feeding out so I have one less time of pumping while I feed them. In order to keep up my supply, I've added a pumping session before I go to bed each night after the babies (and Sam!) are asleep. This is the one 30 minutes of the day that Ben is exclusively on kid-duty if they cry out or need something. I'm hooked up and unable to move so I enjoy a little TV action. My favorites: Toddlers & Tiaras, Kourtney & Kim take New York, Say Yes to the Dress or Cupcake Wars. OH, or Teen Mom 2. Yes, that's right. Mindless, frivolous TV trash often times. My guilty vice.
9 - Time of day I aim to be in bed by nightly. This hardly ever happens. But 9pm is my goal. If I can do it routinely, especially when I go back to work here in a matter of days, I will be able to consistently get 6 hours of sleep AND have enough time in the morning to work out, do a load of laundry, wash the baby dishes, shower and change before dealing with babies and getting out the door. Envious? HAHAHA.
10 - The time Ben crashes on the couch in the living room. Since they used to wake up at 10pm to eat, he didn't go to sleep until after that. Now, he tried to get a few winks before they wake up about midnight and then goes back to sleep for the rest of the night. AND, superstar dad and hubby he is, he stays in the living room with the monitors for the kiddos so I can get very solid sleep without hearing baby cries or anything. What a guy!
So I've counted to 10 and there are still some notable numbers to mention. Times we have to put back in pacifiers or pick up and calm down crying babies every evening? COUNTLESS. Seriously. From 5pm to 9pm no one wants to be at our house, apparently even babies! They are super fussy, just want to be held, too tired and too hungry or not tired and not hungry. It is not a fun time. Dinnertime and Bedtime are pure chaos. We are making sure Sam gets some play time each night, which has contributed in large part to his well-adjusted and happy-with-babies attitude I am sure. But as a result, I handle the dinner prep, baby meds & feeding and baby bedtime solo until Ben gets Sam a bath and into bed. It is a whirlwind of crying and juggling each night and I lose track of how many times we try to console babies during this time. Thank you APRIL for helping relieve some very overwhelming parents when you are home during this craziness.
Some other numbers? 14 - Number of bottles we go through each day. 16 - Number of diapers we go through on a GOOD day. Not a blowout or super stinky day. A small pack is 30 diapers...so you can see that lasts us about 2 days!!!! (Interject here that I've decided to stick with disposable diapers much to the shock and horror of many cloth diapering mommies I am sure but I just CANNOT handle one additional thing to add to my day. If I had to choose between pumping and cloth diapers, I choose pumping. Plus, we got enough diapers at showers that I won't even have to think about purchasing them for months...or longer. We have TONS).
And finally, the number that hangs over my head, keeps me awake at night and is my biggest frustration with twin parenthood. The daycare bill. In two weeks I will officially be paying a ridiculous amount for childcare. I believe it is worth it, and I love their school. Ben and I have jobs we cannot leave for various reasons, financially and otherwise. We've crunched every number to see if we could do it another way, and we still believe this is the best choice for our family for all those reasons and more. The teachers in the infant class are amazing, and Sam cannot wait to have his brothers join him at school. But still. The number. $1,200 a month. For part time. Kill. Me. Now.
HAHAHA. So instead of organizing my life into a series of numbers and Type-A coping mechanisms (SERIOUSLY), I will instead be happy for the things I cannot count. Watching Sam be the best big brother I could have asked for...Smelling that awesome baby smell after a double dose of baths...Cuddling with two wiggling monkeys and seeing four beautiful brownish-grayish-greenish eyes stare back at me....moments to precious to count.
1 - Gallons I pump on a good day. Yup, that's right - I am getting nearly 64 oz of milk out of these 'girls' every single day. Whoa. Never in a million years thought I would still be breastfeeding at this point. I've gone twice as long as I did with Sam (yay!) and we've settled into a fairly manageable routine of feeding, pumping...and repeating that process all day and night without too much pain, agony or misery. I'm finally producing enough to even freeze extras on rare occasions, and I'm doing one nighttime feeding of formula every day so that the babies stay used to the consistency since they will likely get a few feedings of formula at daycare through the week. Still, I cannot say I love it. Or even like it. The babies refuse to nurse and by this point it is just easier to keep pumping and doing bottles since they are still getting the good stuff either way. Supposedly my chest size is going to even out and return to normal about now...ummmm...not happening so much. Depressing since I gained several sizes after having Sam, even despite losing weight. Really REALLY hoping I don't continue to gain in size. Yikes. I may tip over!! Just Kidding. I tried on a bunch of clothes, knowing they would easily cover my stomach and shockingly they do not even remotely fit over my chest. Who would have thought that would be my issue with weight/size this time around? Not me. Ah well. Babies get the good stuff and I have the cup size some women dream about...unless they have it already and then they PRAY TO GOD it goes away!
2 - Weeks until I go back to work. Cannot believe my maternity leave is almost over!!! Spending this precious time with the twins has been wonderful. Not always easy....okay, not EVER easy. But still pretty wonderful. I am so grateful to my work for letting me take the time without hesitation and with encouragement. I'm so thankful that it took long enough for me to get pregnant this time around that I actually had enough paid time off to keep receiving a paycheck for the entire 12 weeks. And I'm beyond blessed for having so many moments with the twins I will never forget in these crazy first 3 months of 'twinfancy.'
3 - Times my water bill has increased. No joke. Started pre-twins with $50ish a month. Now it is up to $175. Yikes. Thank you billions of loads of laundry and dishes. Nuff said.
4 - Times I have to give out acid reflux medication in a day. Unfortunately, at about 7 weeks old, both babies started to have some signs of reflux, including crying hysterically in pain after eating, spitting up abnormally and waking up early out of a sound nap crying out in pain and drawing up their legs or arching their backs. No good. Doc diagnosed reflux and the medicine has been slowly helping.
5 - Number of people in our family now with the added kiddos I have now. Whew. T.I.R.E.D. Sam has decided after almost 4 years of sleeping 12 hours solid at night to wake up every day about 5 or 5:30am and ask us if it is morning yet. BLAH. Granted, this is just about the time I have made my way back into bed after a baby feeding, so I'm sure he is stirred awake by baby noises and me wandering around the house, but still. No fun. But, alas, we are now a family of 5.
6 - Number of hours the babies can now go without eating! Now this is a huge milestone. We wake them up every 3 hours to feed them during the day, but in the last week or so (really since Christmas) the twins are actually making it from a 7pm feeding until about 12:30am or so before needing to eat! HALLELUJAH. It will only get better from here. (And yes, I am chanting this over and over in my head). This is the only time of the day they will stretch this long. Normally after about midnight they still wake up every 3-4 hours. But at least there is now one longer stretch. I get asked all the time when they should start sleeping more, and this is what I know: Sam slept through the night at exactly 12 weeks. We had him on a "sleep training" plan from Day One where we fed every 2-3 hours and did the eating, waketime and sleep cycle all day long. He slowly stretched the time between feedings and eventually went to 4am, then 5am, then 6am and soon we were waking HIM up in the morning. BLISS. With the twins, I expect something similar because we are doing the same eat/wake/sleep cycle. BUT...and this is a big BUT....with premature babies, you basically have to add in the weeks they shouldn't have been born to when they do things. So if we can expect it at 12 weeks or so...we have to add 6 weeks to that since they were born 6 weeks early. So, alas, I am hoping (and praying!) that by 18 weeks old they will finally be sleeping at least 8 hours a night. Please. God. Others with twins say it take 6 months or so. It is harder with two babies...because if one wakes up they can wake the other. And if one wakes up, we wake the other up to keep them eating at the same time so they are sleeping at the same time, hungry at the same time, etc. In our case usually it is Toby who wakes up hungry but Gabe is a great sleeper. So sometimes I wonder how much longer Gabe would have kept sleeping if Toby hadn't woken up and needed to eat. We'll see soon enough. Or maybe not SOON. But soon in the scheme of things I suppose.
7 - Time in the morning we do our first feeding and officially start our day...soon to be moved up or we won't make it to work on time! 7 is also the number of times the babies eat each day since they just started cutting out one nighttime feeding...stretching to 12:30am instead of one at 10pm and then another at 1am. OH, and 7 is also the amount of maximum hours of sleep I can get now! I am getting about 5-6 uninterrupted and a few more here and there between feedings. This is a HUGE improvement over the 3-4 hours of sleep I was getting a night just a few short weeks ago. It already seems like time is flying by. YAY!
8 - Times a day I pump, pump, pump. Oh joy. The twins have cut a nighttime feeding out so I have one less time of pumping while I feed them. In order to keep up my supply, I've added a pumping session before I go to bed each night after the babies (and Sam!) are asleep. This is the one 30 minutes of the day that Ben is exclusively on kid-duty if they cry out or need something. I'm hooked up and unable to move so I enjoy a little TV action. My favorites: Toddlers & Tiaras, Kourtney & Kim take New York, Say Yes to the Dress or Cupcake Wars. OH, or Teen Mom 2. Yes, that's right. Mindless, frivolous TV trash often times. My guilty vice.
9 - Time of day I aim to be in bed by nightly. This hardly ever happens. But 9pm is my goal. If I can do it routinely, especially when I go back to work here in a matter of days, I will be able to consistently get 6 hours of sleep AND have enough time in the morning to work out, do a load of laundry, wash the baby dishes, shower and change before dealing with babies and getting out the door. Envious? HAHAHA.
10 - The time Ben crashes on the couch in the living room. Since they used to wake up at 10pm to eat, he didn't go to sleep until after that. Now, he tried to get a few winks before they wake up about midnight and then goes back to sleep for the rest of the night. AND, superstar dad and hubby he is, he stays in the living room with the monitors for the kiddos so I can get very solid sleep without hearing baby cries or anything. What a guy!
So I've counted to 10 and there are still some notable numbers to mention. Times we have to put back in pacifiers or pick up and calm down crying babies every evening? COUNTLESS. Seriously. From 5pm to 9pm no one wants to be at our house, apparently even babies! They are super fussy, just want to be held, too tired and too hungry or not tired and not hungry. It is not a fun time. Dinnertime and Bedtime are pure chaos. We are making sure Sam gets some play time each night, which has contributed in large part to his well-adjusted and happy-with-babies attitude I am sure. But as a result, I handle the dinner prep, baby meds & feeding and baby bedtime solo until Ben gets Sam a bath and into bed. It is a whirlwind of crying and juggling each night and I lose track of how many times we try to console babies during this time. Thank you APRIL for helping relieve some very overwhelming parents when you are home during this craziness.
Some other numbers? 14 - Number of bottles we go through each day. 16 - Number of diapers we go through on a GOOD day. Not a blowout or super stinky day. A small pack is 30 diapers...so you can see that lasts us about 2 days!!!! (Interject here that I've decided to stick with disposable diapers much to the shock and horror of many cloth diapering mommies I am sure but I just CANNOT handle one additional thing to add to my day. If I had to choose between pumping and cloth diapers, I choose pumping. Plus, we got enough diapers at showers that I won't even have to think about purchasing them for months...or longer. We have TONS).
And finally, the number that hangs over my head, keeps me awake at night and is my biggest frustration with twin parenthood. The daycare bill. In two weeks I will officially be paying a ridiculous amount for childcare. I believe it is worth it, and I love their school. Ben and I have jobs we cannot leave for various reasons, financially and otherwise. We've crunched every number to see if we could do it another way, and we still believe this is the best choice for our family for all those reasons and more. The teachers in the infant class are amazing, and Sam cannot wait to have his brothers join him at school. But still. The number. $1,200 a month. For part time. Kill. Me. Now.
HAHAHA. So instead of organizing my life into a series of numbers and Type-A coping mechanisms (SERIOUSLY), I will instead be happy for the things I cannot count. Watching Sam be the best big brother I could have asked for...Smelling that awesome baby smell after a double dose of baths...Cuddling with two wiggling monkeys and seeing four beautiful brownish-grayish-greenish eyes stare back at me....moments to precious to count.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Year
It has certainly been a memorable one. Whether you look at the year behind or the year ahead, there is an undeniable blessing attached to both.Who would have thought a year ago today that I'd be the mommy of three kids, survived a twin pregnancy, delivery, NICU stint and the first two months with preemie twins. Whoa. It has been TOUGH. Not gonna lie. :)
I can honestly say without hesitation that carrying, delivering and now caring for my family this year has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. It has required every sacrifice, every focus, every determination, everything I have inside to keep on keeping on day after day in the whirlwind of my crazy life.
Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and thankful for an amazing past 12 months. I am ending 2011 with a truly great life.
Toby & Gabe are healthy and happy. Sure, we struggle with lack of sleep and reflux and schedules and crying and fussiness....and laundry & dishes....and more laundry & dishes!!! But every time we see the pediatrician or the home health nurse, they marvel at how well the twins are doing. How bright-eyed they are, and how they are just thriving. This week, Gabe weighed in at 9lb 13oz and Toby at 9lb 5oz. They have more than doubled their birth weights now in two months and have made a mark on the actual growth charts! I am enjoying their baby days so much more than I did Sam's. Despite the 'round the clock' care and sheer exhaustion from handling (and juggling) the needs and wants of two babies, it really is still enjoyable to see their eyes open, recognize my face and grow still just staring back into my eyes. I cannot wait for the first real smiles and for the next phase ahead (OH, and the longer sleeping!), but for now, on the last day of the year, I am reminded of how quickly year after year passes by.
Samuel is just my joy. He is smart and funny. He is quirky and loving. He's compassionate and stubborn. Such a blend of Ben and I, and just an all around amazing little boy. Or I guess I should say BIG boy! Sometime this year...among the trials of pregnancy and the pressure of the hospital stay and the hazy newborn days, my firstborn grew up. Gone are the daily...okay more like hourly...temper tantrums. Gone is the little boy smell. Gone are the fights about clothes...and shoes...and coats...and toys....and food....and...well everything. Just gone. Somewhere along the way, as life flew by for us, my precious Sam has become not just a big brother, but a kid. I was talking to my mom right after the twins were born, lamenting the fact that Sam just argues about everything...and that no matter what you ask him to do, it is a fight, and we are constantly dealing with three-year-old fits and a whiny boy. She just smiled and said that 4 years old is SO much better. I laughed at her and said, well we are almost there and I don't see it. She reminded me that, like everything, some day I will realize there hasn't been a fit that day...and soon it will stretch out to a week...and eventually we'll realize he has grown out of the truly terrible 3's. And so it has happened. I have hugged Sam with tears in my eyes more times than I can count the past few weeks, SO proud of him for doing awesome with the babies. SO proud of him for not fighting me when I really need him to cooperate because I'm juggling too much already and I don't know how much else I can add to my plate, and just SO stinkin' proud of him for becoming the kid I knew was in there...and worked so hard to help shape for the last 3 years!!!
My husband. We are so different. HAHA. But I know if I had another "me" running around this house we may be a tad more stressed and high strung than we are now! This year Ben has stepped up and taken on so much more than I ever expected or asked him to. He really was the primary caregiver for Sam, as I was forcing myself to take it easy during pregnancy and then recovering from deliver...and then caring for newborns. No matter what I need, Ben is always there for me, with an encouraging word, long hug or most importantly, a laugh. I don't think I could have done this...no, correction...I KNOW I could NOT have done this last year without Ben. His charming smile and ability to make me laugh haven't wavered in our almost 9 years of marriage, and for that I am thankful. Yes, there are frustrating days. No, we do not always get along. But I can honestly say I think we've only had one real fight since the babies were born, which if you really lived in my house every day and saw the kind of craziness, stress, lack of sleep and just INSANE-NESS that this twin life is, is pretty good. We are ringing in this New Years different from all the rest...I will be asleep and Ben will be feeding babies. What a guy!!
This New Year marks 5 years at my job, and I can say without hesitation that I am looking forward to going back to work in three short weeks. I don't mean that I won't miss the babies...or a clean house and dinner on the table like clockwork every day. But there is something invaluable about loving your job that just cannot be matched. I love the people. I love my boss. I love the mission. I love the crazy, ever-changing and always interesting actual work that I do on a daily basis. In contemplating finances and what in the world we are going to do about paying for daycare here soon, it has crossed my mind once or twice that perhaps I should look for another job with higher pay. But every single time I have that fleeting thought, I am 100% certain I would not be happy anywhere else. OCH has a flexible, family-friendly and incredibly supportive work environment that you just don't find. I can hardly believe that five years has flown by and look forward to jumping back in, gung ho Carrie, ready for whatever is ahead at work on January 23.
My struggle with weight over the years is like any woman I think. Losing pounds post baby with Sam was horrible. I worked out like a fiend for 10 months really before seeing the scale move at all, but this time I am delighted to announce that as of this morning I have 9.6 pounds left to lose before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. Holy cow. I can hardly believe it. I know that a lot of that is due to breastfeeding...AKA pumping. It burns a ton of calories, which is good considering that I pigged out during the holidays in the last month. But most of the weight loss I know is because I was determined to stay in shape, safely and with the blessing of my doctor. I ate better and did yoga the entire time. I'm sure another big bonus in losing the weight this time is that I have no time to breathe, much less eat or anything else. I am carving out 18 minutes every other day for a quick workout and making myself eat healthier than I ever have. It has been so successful that I told my coworker that I planned to start taking my lunch to work, like she does (so inspiring and much healthier than the hospital cafeteria)! I basically have various kinds of wraps or soup or a combination of those every single day for breakfast and lunch. Along with lots of fresh veggies and fruits. And of course, since Ben has had to go on a low cholesterol, low fat and low salt diet, our dinners have been MUCH healthier also. All in all, a great combination for dropping the weight. I'm still in pants a few sizes bigger than I want, and I know those last 10 pounds are going to linger for a LONG time, but I'm hoping that with my stubbornness and a lot of work I can hit the goal by the time I see New Years Eve 2012.
And so here we are...12 hours from the New Year. Despite the struggles and frustrations and fears and everything else, this has been one of the best years of my life. And the most shocking. I turn 30 in 5 months. I will be done having kids, back to (almost) my normal sized self and living a life I could not have even imagined 10 short years ago. The only other thing I had planned that won't be happening anymore is a birthday trip to NYC with Apes....ah well. We'll make a go of it another year. I got twins this year instead. ;)
Sunday, December 18, 2011
The Escape
I can't wait. That's kind of my thought every day as I'm living like a hermit in my humble abode thinking about the next time I will be able to leave. I cannot WAIT to escape! Before you start thinking I'm a heartless mommy, I really would be even happier to leave WITH my whole family, babies included. But alas, me and the newbies are staying cozy inside hibernating while the rest of the world goes through the hustle and bustle of Christmastime.
It has been a truly strange holiday season. In some ways, it has been nice not to get too caught up in the presents and shopping and materialistic stuff. I'm inside most days...well who am I kidding...all day every day....looking at my lit tree and humming to the familiar tunes on the radio so I'm no stranger to knowing Christmas is almost upon us. I rarely see anyone else, much less have to deal with the holiday stress. Overall, it has been a welcome change. But very strange. I feel like Halloween was the start...then sleepless night after bleary day flew past...then Thanksgiving! And now, here we are, a week before Christmas and I just cannot believe it has been almost two months since my little ones made their surprise arrival! It just doesn't seem like Christmas.
I'm sure many of you think we are crazy for not taking the babies anywhere for so long. Seriously though, we are under strict instructions by both our pediatrician and a home health nurse not to take them out in public until after this fall/winter season is over. Yikes. Basically, the little guys are at serious risk for RSV due to prematurity and multiple birth. It just so happens that if they'd been born at any other time, we might not have to worry so much, but since they made their debut pretty much exactly at the worst possible "sick" time of year, we are on ultra alert to prevent this scary infection. I guess that in premature babies, RSV is the single biggest concern, the cause of rehospitalization, and in rare cases even fatalities. Preemies just don't have the lung strength that full term babies have. The twins qualify for a $1,200 a pop (no joke) treatment/medication called Synagis that helps prevent RSV. It is a series of shots they get during the risk season. The week after Christmas they will have had three doses, and we plan to start taking them to church in January and to daycare just a few short weeks after that since I have to go back to work and we have no other option...I guess that with RSV, it really isn't better to "expose" them to the germs and build up their immunity. It is very scary stuff to deal with. So we will continue to be the weird parents who are sheltering their newborns. ;)
Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of deal if we knew that everywhere we went people wouldn't bend over them, breathe on them, touch them, etc. I get that people just want to smother and kiss on babies, but for REAL. Germs, people!!??!! Yup, I am that mom. The germophobe. I know it. It's a thousand times worse this go around though. We have sanitizer in every room of the house. We ask visitors to take off their shoes when they come in, and we change Sam's clothes and wash his hands every time he comes in the door from school each day. All in all, we are just trying to do the best we can to prevent illness. Because, really, who wants two sick babies? NOT US.
So back to the escape. ;) I wish I could get out with these babies, but since I cannot, who would blame me for wanting to break free for just a bit during the week. Unfortunately, it's winter, so it has been cold and yucky. Not even good weather for a walk outside. Really am stuck. I am just not made for this. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means, and I'll stay inside on the couch under a blanket for hours reading a good book, but I think it's the idea of not being ABLE to get away that just wears on me. GOD BLESS my wonderful husband for recognizing the "crazy" in my eyes every so often and giving me the nod to get out after he's had a long day at work and hasn't had a moment to stop himself. Pretty much the only time I go is for 20 minutes on Wednesdays to take Sam to church, about 45 minutes to race to Walmart once a week for the grocery run and usually about an hour or so sometime each weekend to run an errand. All alone, but still, it's good. A breather. I can't be gone too long because I have to pump and just like any other breastfeeding mama, I gotta get back because I feel like I'm going to explode any minute. ;) But the chance to drive away, resting easy because the babies are being loved and cared for and getting that small break, has really helped my sanity.
And even better, when I'm gone to pick up my paycheck every other Friday from work, or any other time I walk in the door after my brief escape, I simply cannot wait to pick up my kiddos and kiss them, hug them, squeeze them and cuddle (after changing my clothes and washing my hands of course). :)
I know I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I've turned into the maid and super-wifey who has dinner on the table when hubs comes in the door....so my days seem to run together in an endless round of babies, housework, more babies, more housework...and then more stuff around the house, in the house...never away from the house!!!!!! HAHA. I was updating the calendar we keep on our fridge and realized that I only have 5 weeks left staying home. I'm more than halfway done with my maternity leave. And I know that before I can blink, my babies will be three months old, I'll be donning the suits and heels once more instead of spit-up covered yoga pants and tank tops, and I doubt I'll be as thrilled with escaping my house then...happy to be back among the adult world, but missing the warm little bodies snuggling on me too.
Perhaps the hardest part for me with being stuck at home by myself with the babies for now has been missing church. Sounds silly, I know, but I really enjoy Sunday morning Bible study, worship and the sermon. My faith is important to me, and going to church each week gives me perspective and just a boost like nothing else. I wave 'bye' with envy every week as Sam and Ben head off to Calvary. I know that there are some people who say they do 'church' at home and don't need to go to a building, but there is NOTHING else quite like the fellowship and love you feel being welcomed by your church family....and no radio or TV evangelist or even your own devotions at home are as real as your pastor giving a message that touches your heart because it is exactly what you needed to hear in just the right way to feed your soul that week. I miss it so much!!!! Ah well....soon enough, our whole family will once again be able to venture out together, but for now, I will savor what time I can escape....especially on days like today...when I was able to go to the afternoon performance of Voices of Christmas at church. I was touched and inspired by the top notch production and FINALLY I feel like I'm in the Christmas spirit. What a great way to start the week. Renewed, refreshed and restored. Looking forward to celebrating the reason for the season and sharing a lifetime with my precious new family. Cheers!
It has been a truly strange holiday season. In some ways, it has been nice not to get too caught up in the presents and shopping and materialistic stuff. I'm inside most days...well who am I kidding...all day every day....looking at my lit tree and humming to the familiar tunes on the radio so I'm no stranger to knowing Christmas is almost upon us. I rarely see anyone else, much less have to deal with the holiday stress. Overall, it has been a welcome change. But very strange. I feel like Halloween was the start...then sleepless night after bleary day flew past...then Thanksgiving! And now, here we are, a week before Christmas and I just cannot believe it has been almost two months since my little ones made their surprise arrival! It just doesn't seem like Christmas.
I'm sure many of you think we are crazy for not taking the babies anywhere for so long. Seriously though, we are under strict instructions by both our pediatrician and a home health nurse not to take them out in public until after this fall/winter season is over. Yikes. Basically, the little guys are at serious risk for RSV due to prematurity and multiple birth. It just so happens that if they'd been born at any other time, we might not have to worry so much, but since they made their debut pretty much exactly at the worst possible "sick" time of year, we are on ultra alert to prevent this scary infection. I guess that in premature babies, RSV is the single biggest concern, the cause of rehospitalization, and in rare cases even fatalities. Preemies just don't have the lung strength that full term babies have. The twins qualify for a $1,200 a pop (no joke) treatment/medication called Synagis that helps prevent RSV. It is a series of shots they get during the risk season. The week after Christmas they will have had three doses, and we plan to start taking them to church in January and to daycare just a few short weeks after that since I have to go back to work and we have no other option...I guess that with RSV, it really isn't better to "expose" them to the germs and build up their immunity. It is very scary stuff to deal with. So we will continue to be the weird parents who are sheltering their newborns. ;)
Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of deal if we knew that everywhere we went people wouldn't bend over them, breathe on them, touch them, etc. I get that people just want to smother and kiss on babies, but for REAL. Germs, people!!??!! Yup, I am that mom. The germophobe. I know it. It's a thousand times worse this go around though. We have sanitizer in every room of the house. We ask visitors to take off their shoes when they come in, and we change Sam's clothes and wash his hands every time he comes in the door from school each day. All in all, we are just trying to do the best we can to prevent illness. Because, really, who wants two sick babies? NOT US.
So back to the escape. ;) I wish I could get out with these babies, but since I cannot, who would blame me for wanting to break free for just a bit during the week. Unfortunately, it's winter, so it has been cold and yucky. Not even good weather for a walk outside. Really am stuck. I am just not made for this. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means, and I'll stay inside on the couch under a blanket for hours reading a good book, but I think it's the idea of not being ABLE to get away that just wears on me. GOD BLESS my wonderful husband for recognizing the "crazy" in my eyes every so often and giving me the nod to get out after he's had a long day at work and hasn't had a moment to stop himself. Pretty much the only time I go is for 20 minutes on Wednesdays to take Sam to church, about 45 minutes to race to Walmart once a week for the grocery run and usually about an hour or so sometime each weekend to run an errand. All alone, but still, it's good. A breather. I can't be gone too long because I have to pump and just like any other breastfeeding mama, I gotta get back because I feel like I'm going to explode any minute. ;) But the chance to drive away, resting easy because the babies are being loved and cared for and getting that small break, has really helped my sanity.
And even better, when I'm gone to pick up my paycheck every other Friday from work, or any other time I walk in the door after my brief escape, I simply cannot wait to pick up my kiddos and kiss them, hug them, squeeze them and cuddle (after changing my clothes and washing my hands of course). :)
I know I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I've turned into the maid and super-wifey who has dinner on the table when hubs comes in the door....so my days seem to run together in an endless round of babies, housework, more babies, more housework...and then more stuff around the house, in the house...never away from the house!!!!!! HAHA. I was updating the calendar we keep on our fridge and realized that I only have 5 weeks left staying home. I'm more than halfway done with my maternity leave. And I know that before I can blink, my babies will be three months old, I'll be donning the suits and heels once more instead of spit-up covered yoga pants and tank tops, and I doubt I'll be as thrilled with escaping my house then...happy to be back among the adult world, but missing the warm little bodies snuggling on me too.
Perhaps the hardest part for me with being stuck at home by myself with the babies for now has been missing church. Sounds silly, I know, but I really enjoy Sunday morning Bible study, worship and the sermon. My faith is important to me, and going to church each week gives me perspective and just a boost like nothing else. I wave 'bye' with envy every week as Sam and Ben head off to Calvary. I know that there are some people who say they do 'church' at home and don't need to go to a building, but there is NOTHING else quite like the fellowship and love you feel being welcomed by your church family....and no radio or TV evangelist or even your own devotions at home are as real as your pastor giving a message that touches your heart because it is exactly what you needed to hear in just the right way to feed your soul that week. I miss it so much!!!! Ah well....soon enough, our whole family will once again be able to venture out together, but for now, I will savor what time I can escape....especially on days like today...when I was able to go to the afternoon performance of Voices of Christmas at church. I was touched and inspired by the top notch production and FINALLY I feel like I'm in the Christmas spirit. What a great way to start the week. Renewed, refreshed and restored. Looking forward to celebrating the reason for the season and sharing a lifetime with my precious new family. Cheers!
Monday, December 5, 2011
The War
Most days at some point I look down at my beautiful baby boys and have a serious reality check. I am the mom of twins. TWINS. How did this happen? It is just so crazy, really. I cannot believe that we made it past their original due date (December 6) and that the twins are six weeks old. They are growing like crazy and doing so well. I am beyond thrilled and generally pretty positive, honestly! However, the day to day does wear on me. I do feel like the theme of our house the past few weeks has been like a battlefield. Yes, that's right. War. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It's a minefield in here!The single biggest battle we fight every day....every three-ish hours...is burping. No joke. Tried every possible method, and no go. We get SO frustrated. Not to mention the babies get SO uncomfortable...and then refuse to eat anymore (which means they are fussy and won't sleep or if they do sleep wake up early because they didn't eat enough!). We've gotten to where some feedings take more than hour just because they refuse to burp. And then everytime we think we've figured out the "magic" touch to get them each to burp it stops working and we're back to square one. Boo. This stinks. I seriously despise burping babies now. And you can't be mad at the babies...the poor guys are just wailing with gas pain, begging us to help them burp, and we fail. Miserably!!!!!
Another battle? Breastfeeding. Or should I say Bottle Feeding with Breast Milk. Ugh again. Yup, I got clearance from the pediatrician a few weeks ago to start nursing, but the twins will not latch on and nurse for any length of time anymore. Should have known - they got bottles (easy!) for a month straight. It was good for their growth (and required by the NICU and then the doctor) so I'm not upset about it, but this does mean that I have to continue the pumping craziness. Generally I like to pump while I'm feeding the babies simply to be efficient. Unfortunately, all the moving around while trying to feed and burp and pump didn't go so well, and my body protested and I ended up with soreness and cracking (TMI sorry!!) and just ... PAIN. So now I am feeding them and then when they go down for a nap each time after they eat, I'm pumping...for 30 minutes. Then repeating the cycle an hour later. Doesn't leave me that much time for anything else. Between a shower, eating meals and picking up the house (laundry/dishes/etc) it is 4pm before I can blink. Yikes. I've been trying to combine activities....(I'm laughing at myself because I just contemplated making cookies while pumping and decided to sit down with the laptop instead!)....so I can work a bit or fold laundry while I pump. All in all, it's not that big of deal, but it does seem like a battle. I really wish I was one of those people that the whole breastfeeding thing was easy and smooth and truly enjoyable. Not so much. :( I'm still keeping it up for now. Please pray for my attitude!! I am a slave to this pump. To top it all off, I'm no longer producing enough milk by pumping to keep up with the growing boys. I have enough for 12 bottles a day out of 16. So for two feedings the babies get just formula. No choice!!!! (Sigh!)
Don't even get me started on the battle with money. Getting very nervous about going back to work and attempting to afford childcare. I have six weeks left, and I cannot even really talk about it without getting depressed. Oh, and to top it off - we got a letter sent home this week and Sam's school costs are going up. Lovely. We are in this weird divide of making too much to qualify for any subsidy at our daycare and then making too little to actually be able to afford it! So what do we do? One of us not working anymore isn't an option - and when you calculate it out it really won't put us in a better spot. So what's the answer? Who knows. Praying hard and trusting that God's "blessing" will provide. At the same time, though, planning for extra income so we can still eat and have a roof over our heads. Ben is looking into possibly an additional part time job, and I'm going to start doing some more work from home now...in my spare time, right? HAHAHA. :) I. Hate. Money. I really do.
At the same time I cannot believe the twins are six weeks old, I cannot believe that I've stayed home with them all day every day now for over a month. It is such a new experience being a stay at home mom (albeit temporarily). I wish I was one who could let the house go, camp out on the couch snuggling my baby all day and watch all the movies and TVs I've been saving on the DVR. Alas, not my life (the holding the baby all day thing is kind of impossible when you have two little ones to care for...). I have realized how nice it is to actually go to work and leave the house messy!!!! For real! Normally, I can go to work, not look at the laundry needing to be folded or the floors needing to be vacuumed. Seriously. But now, I'm here. I'm living in it every day, and I just cannot be here in the house all the time, unable to leave because of the twins and stumbling over laundry baskets and such. So...I have assumed the role of maid. This is new for me. Since I have always worked full time, Ben and I have largely shared household duties. Sure, Ben and April still help with dishes and take out the trash, but for the most part, the entire rest of the housework, picking stuff up and maintaining things is solely on my shoulders now. I have a profound respect and appreciation now for all the Stay at Home Moms who have to care for the kiddos AND attempt to clean the house regularly....and if they don't have time they still have to be IN the house while it isn't picked up. Would drive me crazy!!!
One of the more lighthearted battles I'm fighting is the weight, of course. What new mom doesn't? Since I hit the 6 week post c-section mark, I started my workouts again. My awesome Moms Into Fitness DVD series I used throughout the pregnancy has a Postnatal Boot Camp. And wow. It is intense. I just started this week and my whole body feels it. Lots of pain, but in that good "I worked my muscles really hard and feel things toning" kind of way. Hope it pays off!!! I have lost 25 pounds and have just under 13 left to lose before starting this workout. I didn't gain a ton of extra weight everywhere else, but my baby belly is still a bit bigger than 6 weeks postpartum with Sam. Probably because it was HUGE with twins!!! So still need to work on my fitness. ;) Not a bad war. And it makes the sleepless nights a little easier. Working out helps me fall asleep better at the end of the day and gives me enough energy to make it through when I'm running on 4 hours of "sleep."
SIGH.
HAHA - so after reading the above you get a good glimpse into the "not-so-happy-go-lucky and always positive" Carrie. I guess that's what happens with lack of sleep and a perpetual cycle of baby, baby and more baby feeding, burping (or not), changing, etc. I'm not totally lost though. ;) And I really am NOT complaining. I hope you take this fun ranting above as a tired mommy explaining the crazy frustrations of new parenthood....in reality I am still having fun. Still enjoying the growing alertness of the twins. Still loving holding them close and smelling that perfect new baby smell...still loving rocking them and hearing their breathing slow down and their bodies relax as they are content and happy. Every time I start to feel the war a bit too much, I force myself to remember how quickly this phase passes by. How this is the last time my babies will be babies...and the last time I will ever have babies (PLEASE GOD). :) Even more than this, when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding them and so tired I can barely hold my head up, I think about my friends who cannot have children. And how much they would give anything to be up all night with a newborn. (Tears!!!) And I am SO incredibly thankful for every single moment with Toby & Gabe. It's just that simple.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Gratitude
Grateful and appreciative don't even begin to describe my thoughts and feelings. Blessed beyond belief! The twins are four weeks old today and Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Perfect time to reflect and take stock in the abundance of things to be thankful for this year....
1. Sleep
If ever there was a reminder of just how precious and amazing a full night's sleep is, please come visit my house between 1am and 5am. No really. I'll put you to good use burping. :) After having Sam nearly four years ago, sleep became one of those things I realized I had taken for granted. I'm not a lazy, sleeping-in kind of person at ALL (crazy I know but sleeping in for me is 7am). HOWEVER, normal not pregnant and not newborn twin mommy me relishes the idea of falling into bed at night and dozing. I normally go 100mph all day, and once 9pm hits I am ready for the brain to cease firing and to drift into lala land until about 5am. At which point I wake up completely alert and ready to start the day (yes, yes, I'm one of THOSE people). Not so much anymore. Pregnancy wreaked havoc on my sleep. Up at least once an hour to pee, couldn't get comfortable, etc. My beloved sleep suffered then, sure. But nothing prepares you quite like having a newborn (or 2!). For those who do not have kids, there is no amount of planning or explanation possible to describe what sleep is really, truly like with a new baby. And even those of us with kiddos tend to forget after the hazy first months pass and you have that historic "my child slept thru the night" moment (which thank GOD they do). The worst part for me is always falling back asleep after being up calming a fussy baby or changing a diaper or doing a feeding. Your mind is just active enough that by the time you get settled down you realize you only have two hours, or one hour or 45 minutes...or less...before hearing another grunt, whimper and then wail. Another doozy...when you are so tired you cannot think a coherent thought, but when you lay down and close your eyes you physically are too tired to actually fall to sleep. So you end up laying there "resting" wishing the minutes weren't passing by so quickly while you were not sleeping...and then you keep hearing a baby cry, only to glance at the monitor and realize you are imagining a cry because you are anticipating said baby to wake up! UGH! And then, sometimes, you have those treasured nights you long for (like I actually had last night!) where the baby (okay, babIES in my house) eats quickly, burps effortlessly and goes back to bed with barely a cry...and then when your head hits the pillow again you are OUT. And several hours later when the wailing starts again with hunger cries you realize that (SHOCK) you actually slept. Soundly. Restfully. Blissfully. And then when your head hits the pillow another time after a feeding, that wonderful sleep meets you again. Picture me happy, smiling and "rested" after SEVEN hours of sleep last night. Sweet!!! Again, for all you without kiddos, don't worry - this seven hours was between 8pm and 7:30am, so it's not like it is at all consecutive, but hey, you learn to cherish the snippets and count up all the sleep during the day as success.
2. Health
Yes, it seems my household (and everyone else's too apparently) has been fraught with illness in the last few months. We're passing it around like we live at a hippie commune sharing utensils and everything else (which we don't by the way in case you wondered). Despite using masks, cleaning with antibacterial wipes, removing shoes so we don't traipse germs everywhere, washing hands until our skin cracks and changing clothes often, we cannot seem to shake the crud. From pharyngitis to colds to strep to the stomach bug, we've had it all. Even through all of this, I am thankful for our health. Right now my precious tiny tots are snoozing, and I can hear their noses whistling from stuffiness. They have bad colds, but so far nothing serious. Since we've had them home, every single person who has visited ended up telling us they came down with random illnesses just a few days after visiting....so much so that we had to quarantine the house for about a week...to keep more illness out and hopefully get our household yuckies under control. Worked. Except that then I finally succumbed to it all and was down hard on Sunday night. Antibiotics in me, and few days later I'm back to "normal." All the while, babies keep trucking along with annoying colds, but again, nothing serious. And for that I am thankful. I asked the pediatrician this week at their follow up appointment if we could perhaps take them down the street to see relatives during the holidays since we knew we definitely could not take them to church or public places. His response? Um...no. Too high of a risk for them to develop the flu or RSV (which in many adults manifests as just a cough and runny nose, I guess). So, that's right, we are under strict instructions not to let these guys near anyone who even has a cough or runny nose. Um, okay. Like, that's everyone this time of year (sigh). So we will forgo holiday visits this year, skipping "pass the babies" and try to keep them as healthy as possible. I texted my sister-in-law (also pregnant!!!) yesterday giving her the lowdown and explaining that Ben and Sam would be attending some family functions but I would be staying at home....her response made me smile and was a great reminder. She said, "I'll just be thankful the little guys are here and home from the hospital." The best attitude! At one point we were going to be scheduled for a csection yesterday and in the hospital on Thanksgiving! And then at another point, we thought the babies would just now be coming home from the NICU. How much more thankful am I sitting here now in my toasty warm house with two beautiful HEALTHY baby boys. What a blessing!
3. Family
I feel like a broken record here, but I literally have no words to express how much I appreciate our support system. By that I mean family, friends and even those trusty Facebookers who have followed us on this journey, chanting support and being involved, even if just online. I truly feel like this experience has allowed us to be blessed by so many people. I'm not always one to share overly personal details of my life to everyone, but this pregnancy (and the blog!) has been a good reminder to me of how opening up about ourselves often lends itself to being cared for and touched so much more deeply by others. We truly have been supported and encouraged by everyone around us, but I do have to say specifically that I do not know what I would have done without my parents. I don't mean that to exclude anyone else who has helped (I seriously appreciate you from the bottom of my heart!!!) but my parents have selflessly dedicated themselves to providing relief and assistance. Sacrificed their time, their money, their jobs, their house, their LIVES and picked up and headed this way. And every single time they arrive, they immediately get to work for ME. For us. For our family. Honestly, they rarely spend significant time with the babies or even Sam....my dad hadn't even held one of the babies for days after they were home. That's not what it's about for them. For the last month or two, every single time they have been here, it has been nonstop dishes or laundry or errands or meals or any number of meaningless tasks that mean so very much to exhausted and overwhelmed new parents. If you ask them, they jokingly (and seriously) admit that they come to work. To help. And I just could NOT do this without them. I'm not one to accept help easily...but my dad just keeps reminding me that if Sam or Toby or Gabe ever had a need or were going through something big, wouldn't I jump in immediately and just take care of it? And, knowing I would, he just smiles, pats my back, and says, YOU ARE OUR KID!!! Wow. My parents are just awesome. And yes, I'm still a daddy's girl. ;) (And again, THANK YOU to everyone else who has come over, offered to help or brought meals or a thousand other things you have contributed to this crazy process. I have not taken any single thing for granted - THANK YOU! I am seriously so grateful and am humbled by all of you. I have bit shoes to fill to "pass it on" to others.)
4. Personality
One of the most exciting parts of the twins actually being "here" and one of the things I'm most thankful for is observing their personalities and traits and getting to know them each. It's pretty great. The twins are looking so much the same now, it is just insane. Even better, they like to position their bodies the same. They are laying here by me now and Toby changes positions while asleep. Not one minute later, Gabe (also sleeping!) moves into the exact same position Toby just assumed. And so it continues. I have taken about 10 pictures of different positions and they just keep doing the same thing. It is super freaky! How do they KNOW what each other is doing when they are sleeping?? Their bodies just do the same things naturally...so crazy. What a fun blessing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. These identical twin boys are really going to provide us a lifetime of learning and experiencing one of the most unique and coolest things ever. The same DNA embodied in two very unique individual people. How can two tiny babies really look this similar? (We're talking down to the placement of a few stray hairs on their tiny ears or the angle of their big toes....inSANE!) Another thing to be thankful for? We get to see Sam in his role as a new big brother, asserting his independence and getting bigger by the day. Gives me a renewed appreciation for Sam's "spunk." Sometimes it comes with defiance and frustration and way too much stubbornness for his 3 almost 4 years...but if we can have one child as awesome as Sam, two more is going to be a BLAST! And again, I am so very thankful that each of my boys is going to add their individuality to this family!
1. Sleep
If ever there was a reminder of just how precious and amazing a full night's sleep is, please come visit my house between 1am and 5am. No really. I'll put you to good use burping. :) After having Sam nearly four years ago, sleep became one of those things I realized I had taken for granted. I'm not a lazy, sleeping-in kind of person at ALL (crazy I know but sleeping in for me is 7am). HOWEVER, normal not pregnant and not newborn twin mommy me relishes the idea of falling into bed at night and dozing. I normally go 100mph all day, and once 9pm hits I am ready for the brain to cease firing and to drift into lala land until about 5am. At which point I wake up completely alert and ready to start the day (yes, yes, I'm one of THOSE people). Not so much anymore. Pregnancy wreaked havoc on my sleep. Up at least once an hour to pee, couldn't get comfortable, etc. My beloved sleep suffered then, sure. But nothing prepares you quite like having a newborn (or 2!). For those who do not have kids, there is no amount of planning or explanation possible to describe what sleep is really, truly like with a new baby. And even those of us with kiddos tend to forget after the hazy first months pass and you have that historic "my child slept thru the night" moment (which thank GOD they do). The worst part for me is always falling back asleep after being up calming a fussy baby or changing a diaper or doing a feeding. Your mind is just active enough that by the time you get settled down you realize you only have two hours, or one hour or 45 minutes...or less...before hearing another grunt, whimper and then wail. Another doozy...when you are so tired you cannot think a coherent thought, but when you lay down and close your eyes you physically are too tired to actually fall to sleep. So you end up laying there "resting" wishing the minutes weren't passing by so quickly while you were not sleeping...and then you keep hearing a baby cry, only to glance at the monitor and realize you are imagining a cry because you are anticipating said baby to wake up! UGH! And then, sometimes, you have those treasured nights you long for (like I actually had last night!) where the baby (okay, babIES in my house) eats quickly, burps effortlessly and goes back to bed with barely a cry...and then when your head hits the pillow again you are OUT. And several hours later when the wailing starts again with hunger cries you realize that (SHOCK) you actually slept. Soundly. Restfully. Blissfully. And then when your head hits the pillow another time after a feeding, that wonderful sleep meets you again. Picture me happy, smiling and "rested" after SEVEN hours of sleep last night. Sweet!!! Again, for all you without kiddos, don't worry - this seven hours was between 8pm and 7:30am, so it's not like it is at all consecutive, but hey, you learn to cherish the snippets and count up all the sleep during the day as success.
2. Health
Yes, it seems my household (and everyone else's too apparently) has been fraught with illness in the last few months. We're passing it around like we live at a hippie commune sharing utensils and everything else (which we don't by the way in case you wondered). Despite using masks, cleaning with antibacterial wipes, removing shoes so we don't traipse germs everywhere, washing hands until our skin cracks and changing clothes often, we cannot seem to shake the crud. From pharyngitis to colds to strep to the stomach bug, we've had it all. Even through all of this, I am thankful for our health. Right now my precious tiny tots are snoozing, and I can hear their noses whistling from stuffiness. They have bad colds, but so far nothing serious. Since we've had them home, every single person who has visited ended up telling us they came down with random illnesses just a few days after visiting....so much so that we had to quarantine the house for about a week...to keep more illness out and hopefully get our household yuckies under control. Worked. Except that then I finally succumbed to it all and was down hard on Sunday night. Antibiotics in me, and few days later I'm back to "normal." All the while, babies keep trucking along with annoying colds, but again, nothing serious. And for that I am thankful. I asked the pediatrician this week at their follow up appointment if we could perhaps take them down the street to see relatives during the holidays since we knew we definitely could not take them to church or public places. His response? Um...no. Too high of a risk for them to develop the flu or RSV (which in many adults manifests as just a cough and runny nose, I guess). So, that's right, we are under strict instructions not to let these guys near anyone who even has a cough or runny nose. Um, okay. Like, that's everyone this time of year (sigh). So we will forgo holiday visits this year, skipping "pass the babies" and try to keep them as healthy as possible. I texted my sister-in-law (also pregnant!!!) yesterday giving her the lowdown and explaining that Ben and Sam would be attending some family functions but I would be staying at home....her response made me smile and was a great reminder. She said, "I'll just be thankful the little guys are here and home from the hospital." The best attitude! At one point we were going to be scheduled for a csection yesterday and in the hospital on Thanksgiving! And then at another point, we thought the babies would just now be coming home from the NICU. How much more thankful am I sitting here now in my toasty warm house with two beautiful HEALTHY baby boys. What a blessing!
3. Family
I feel like a broken record here, but I literally have no words to express how much I appreciate our support system. By that I mean family, friends and even those trusty Facebookers who have followed us on this journey, chanting support and being involved, even if just online. I truly feel like this experience has allowed us to be blessed by so many people. I'm not always one to share overly personal details of my life to everyone, but this pregnancy (and the blog!) has been a good reminder to me of how opening up about ourselves often lends itself to being cared for and touched so much more deeply by others. We truly have been supported and encouraged by everyone around us, but I do have to say specifically that I do not know what I would have done without my parents. I don't mean that to exclude anyone else who has helped (I seriously appreciate you from the bottom of my heart!!!) but my parents have selflessly dedicated themselves to providing relief and assistance. Sacrificed their time, their money, their jobs, their house, their LIVES and picked up and headed this way. And every single time they arrive, they immediately get to work for ME. For us. For our family. Honestly, they rarely spend significant time with the babies or even Sam....my dad hadn't even held one of the babies for days after they were home. That's not what it's about for them. For the last month or two, every single time they have been here, it has been nonstop dishes or laundry or errands or meals or any number of meaningless tasks that mean so very much to exhausted and overwhelmed new parents. If you ask them, they jokingly (and seriously) admit that they come to work. To help. And I just could NOT do this without them. I'm not one to accept help easily...but my dad just keeps reminding me that if Sam or Toby or Gabe ever had a need or were going through something big, wouldn't I jump in immediately and just take care of it? And, knowing I would, he just smiles, pats my back, and says, YOU ARE OUR KID!!! Wow. My parents are just awesome. And yes, I'm still a daddy's girl. ;) (And again, THANK YOU to everyone else who has come over, offered to help or brought meals or a thousand other things you have contributed to this crazy process. I have not taken any single thing for granted - THANK YOU! I am seriously so grateful and am humbled by all of you. I have bit shoes to fill to "pass it on" to others.)
4. Personality
One of the most exciting parts of the twins actually being "here" and one of the things I'm most thankful for is observing their personalities and traits and getting to know them each. It's pretty great. The twins are looking so much the same now, it is just insane. Even better, they like to position their bodies the same. They are laying here by me now and Toby changes positions while asleep. Not one minute later, Gabe (also sleeping!) moves into the exact same position Toby just assumed. And so it continues. I have taken about 10 pictures of different positions and they just keep doing the same thing. It is super freaky! How do they KNOW what each other is doing when they are sleeping?? Their bodies just do the same things naturally...so crazy. What a fun blessing to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. These identical twin boys are really going to provide us a lifetime of learning and experiencing one of the most unique and coolest things ever. The same DNA embodied in two very unique individual people. How can two tiny babies really look this similar? (We're talking down to the placement of a few stray hairs on their tiny ears or the angle of their big toes....inSANE!) Another thing to be thankful for? We get to see Sam in his role as a new big brother, asserting his independence and getting bigger by the day. Gives me a renewed appreciation for Sam's "spunk." Sometimes it comes with defiance and frustration and way too much stubbornness for his 3 almost 4 years...but if we can have one child as awesome as Sam, two more is going to be a BLAST! And again, I am so very thankful that each of my boys is going to add their individuality to this family!
I really think the list of things to be thankful for is endless. I am overwhelmed by the blessings (in many forms and not always what we expected or wanted!) God has given us in the past year and give Him all the thanks for each one. Little did we know last Thanksgiving that our lives would be totally different a year later. Praying that all of my family, friends (and yes, even all you Facebookers who creep!) embrace the blessings God has provided you this year and be truly thankful. No matter what challenges arise, God continues to be faithful in leading us through or carrying us along. The real joy and thanksgiving come when WE see the good in life's circumstances (even the crappy stuff) and find things to be thankful for.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The Fun
Toby and Gabe are three weeks old now, so I figure I might as well answer the question I keep getting from family, friends and Facebookers....what is it like having newborn twins?Answering that question really is impossible. I'm sure everyone's experience with infant twins is very different, depending on their expectations, whether they are first time parents, parenting styles or philosophies and much more.
For our family, I think having one child already helps significantly. We already know how hard it is with a newborn baby. We know what it is like to be sleep deprived and frustrated and every other emotion that crops up. We also know (most importantly!) that this newborn phase is SO short-lived in the grand scheme of things. This too shall pass. ;)
Unashamedly I will openly admit to catching more than a few episodes of Make Room for Multiples on TLC prior to these babies' arrival. In most circumstances from what I've gathered, bringing home multiples is a tremendous relief paired with an enormous workload. I can't say that my experience has been any different. Many of the people (okay, yes, I know they are on TV, but at least they are from all over the country and have unique stories so it is a little more reality than not) are completely overwhelmed by the chaos and in tears. Only a handful of the couples in the episodes I've seen seem to have some kind of schedule or system. These parents seem slightly less crazed.
Thankfully, I think we fall into the latter bunch. As I always say, those of you know who me know I'm a list making, organized and schedule-driven person. This has always carried over into my parenting style, so I expected it to be the case here. With Sam we implemented the Babywise model (I know there are a LOT of varied opinions on this so bear with me) upon recommendation from work colleagues and professional friends. The Babywise philosophy, at least what WE took from it, is a simple model of Feed, Wake, Sleep and also ensuring full feedings. The "schedule" part isn't as firm or rigid as some people think. It recommends feeding between 2-4 hours depending on a variety of factors (which by the way is what most pediatricians recommend anyway), but realistically, just implementing the Feed, Wake, Sleep cycle and making sure when he ate he was actually getting a full "meal" was beneficial for Sam. He was "trained" right away that night-time was for longer sleeping and daytime was for more wake-time. He slept through the night (12 hours) by three months old, but more importantly he has always been a generally happy kid and a great sleeper. Crying It Out (a term some parents are horrified with and the reason some boycott this book) is mentioned in Babywise, but it is not an integral part necessarily with the philosophy. (I will interject here that at two weeks old, Sam was getting to where he'd only fall asleep in someone's arms and I did try the Cry It Out method. It took him 1 day of mild fussiness and then like clockwork he would ALWAYS go to sleep exactly 7 minutes after crying, never fail). I digress. So anyway, with Sam we did the Babywise plan. It is generally a "schedule" based plan since it recommends the Feed, Wake, Sleep cycle and is not an "on-demand" based plan. Just our choice based on lots of research and our daily lives and needs.
For the twins I knew that eventually some sort of schedule would be beneficial. In fact, in the NICU, they get all the babies on a 3 hour feeding schedule immediately to streamline their processes AND to ensure the babies get adequate rest, take full feedings and get very little stimulation. Plus with twins, if you feed them anytime they fuss and don't try to get both babies on a similar schedule, you will literally be up 24 hours a day. Thankfully for us, the NICU had Toby & Gabe eating like clockwork after a few short days, and they have continued that trend at home.
HOWEVER, despite my desire to whip these babies into tip-top schedule shape pronto (you think I'm kidding!), there is a multiples chapter in the Babywise book, and it basically says that you have to disregard any parenting philosophy when dealing with preemies...at least until they start to actually wake up and become more like newborn infants and less like "I should still be in the womb" teeny tiny ones. When we brought the twins home from the hospital, they were typical preemies - sleeping all the time and very fussy when stimulated. Changing diapers, getting dressed, even holding them was actually more agitating than calming. As I packed away their preemie clothes yesterday and made sure the stockpile of Newborn size outfits and diapers were ready to go, I realized how much more like newborns they have become in the last week. Growing like crazy and not as fussy or as startled by everything....In the last few days Toby & Gabe have just started waking up after eating, which has been good. It has allowed me to veer in the general direction of the Babywise plan by starting to keep them awake for just a tiny bit after they eat. Then, voila, as soon as they get sleepy, we put them down for a nap and they sleep solid (generally!) until the next feeding time. Success! In turn, this allows nighttime feedings to go quickly (without waketime) and the babies are really doing great. Granted they are only three weeks old and every day is an adjustment as they are more awake and eating more.
So, what's it like at home with newborn twins? I can officially say it is a constant cycle of sleeping, crying, feeding, burping, changing, waketime (MAYBE 10 minutes of their eyes open) and sleeping again (not the adults of course!). And may we not forget the endless, mountainous, monstrous pile of laundry to keep up with the twins. I think at this point we are averaging four loads a day of clothes (both ours due to spitup, etc and theirs), burp rags, blankets, bedding, etc. Oh, and the dishes. Our babies eat around 7am, 10am, 1pm, 4pm, 7pm, 10pm, 1am, 4am....that is 8 times a day, two bottles each time, so 16 bottles a day. Plus all the mixing supplies for the breastmilk/formula concoction we have to feed them. LOTS of dishes to do. Oh, and in case you missed my previous blog post, there is always the 20 minutes of "milking" aka pumping in between this cycle too. The babies are sleeping/sleepy about 2 hours before each next feeding, so we do have some "time." But that time is all relative. Whether we use it for laundry or dishes (which you absolutely cannot let sit for more than a few hours lest it be insurmountable...and stinky), or eating meals, or shuttling Sam to and from school, or spending time with Sam....there is just a lot to do and before we know it, it's time to start all over.
And then there's the sleep factor. It's the one thing that is the worst for me. I like a good, solid night's rest, and with any baby at home you have to throw that idea out the window. With TWO babies, it seems impossible. Thankfully, we have a pretty good system already and I have a GREAT partner. Ben has truly been wonderful, and I can honestly say I don't know how single parents do this. In case you wonder how it works for us, I do the 7pm feeding while Ben gets Sam ready for bed. Then I go to bed at the latest by 8:30pm. Ben stays up for the 10pm feeding and goes to bed before midnight. Then I take the 1am and 4am feedings. So if I can actually SLEEP between 8:30pm - 1am, I have a jump start with a few hours of sleep. Then what little snippets I can catch between 2:30 - 3:30am or after 5am is just bonus. And Ben gets a solid 6 hours after midnight before Sam gets up.
I know, sounds glamorous, right? All you without kiddos, take note. This is GOOD BIRTH CONTROL. HAHA.
In reality, I have found myself multiple times in the past few days feeding babies and burping babies...and changing babies...and just laughing with Ben. I have laughed more in the past two weeks than I have in a long time. Sometimes it is just insane trying to take care of two babies needs simultaneously...and failing miserably. But there's something very humbling and honest about just fumbling through this process together as we learn about our new sons' individual personalities and see them develop unique characteristics already. It's nice to know we made it through the newborn stage once. I am confident we are well on our way to doing it again....and in duplicate.
As I took a hiatus from writing this post to feed, Ben and were (again) laughing together as we lamented our backaches from trying to get the babies to burp (SO CHALLENGING SOMETIMES) and removed layers of clothing as our little baby ovens heated us up about 10 degrees and sweat rolled down our backs and joked with each other about looking forward (NOT) to these babies getting to be Sam's age and the truly terrible 3's...I was laughing so hard at one point my incision was screaming and tears were sprouting from the pain. I looked at Ben and said, "Isn't this so much more fun than last time?" He gave me a "you are the craziest woman on the planet" look and just smiled. "Ummm....sure. Twice as fun, right? You should put that in your blog." So I am. And it is with absolute joy and certainty that I say it really is more fun.
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