The Gain

I will be gut-level honest here and tell you willingly that I intended to name this post "The Lack." I'm never sure what to write about, but when I get the title in my head as a theme for the week or day, I know then that's what I should use. So there it popped - The Lack. Like a dark cloud over my head this week. I bet you can guess what major Lack I'm referring to!! Yup, that's right...Sleep!

And so I started formulating what else I could write about that would be appropriate given the Lack of many things lately....sleep, time, money, sanity, brain function? What else is there? The past 12 weeks have truly taken their toll, and The Lack seemed like a fitting explanation for what I feel like some days....

And then, sometime this afternoon it dawned on me. April will be off work tomorrow, and so my last real day at home by myself on maternity leave with these babies was today. It blew right past me and was almost over before I realized it. I kept thinking...oh I have another day!!! But, no. Sure, I will have tomorrow off work, but we have to make a trip to Sam's school in the morning and April here will be nice for the extra set of hands, but it just isn't the same as being a true SAHM (stay at home mom) winging it solo on this twin train. Alas, my time with my boys is up.

I've had several friends go back to work in the past year after being off on maternity leave and all of them have the same thought I think....despite the fact that we love our jobs...despite the fact that this is our life and we HAVE to work financially....despite the fact that we secretly (okay, sometimes not so secretly) will enjoy donning clean attire and makeup and looking like a presentable human being....despite all of this...there is always that nagging, tiny shred of mommy guilt. No matter how much we try to escape it, the guilt creeps in and there's no way around it.

So what do we do? We hug our little one(s) and try not to think about them every moment of the day while we're away so we can get some work done....and it gets easier as time goes by. I know eventually I will look forward to the dreaded 7pm nightly feeding because I haven't had to do it like clockwork every three hours through the day. I might even enjoy (okay, that's too strong...how about not hate) the middle-of-the-night wake up call(s) as a chance to cuddle and kiss their smiley faces.

Now that I've got some perspective as I approach the end of my maternity leave (and by perspective I mean my coping mechanism for not breaking down and being a strong working momma who doesn't cry all day!), I think it's time for me to reflect on what I've gained....

Superhuman Mommy Magic: I've said it several times the past week and I'll say it again. I am a mommy machine. Never in my life have I worked so hard as I've done in the past three months...okay, really in the past year. I only thought I was Type A workaholic before. Oh no. It has been taken to a whole new level. I literally cannot stop or our house will simply cease to function. And by that I mean, no dinner, no clean clothes, no baths, no food in the fridge, no bills paid, nothing. At the end of some days I cannot even remember how I accomplished this much, and yet the house is still not clean at all (notice that cleaning toilets and mopping floors was not on my list I haven't even thought of starting those chores yet, thank you parents who come every few weeks and clean my house for me!). Sometimes I think that God made women with special powers. Somehow between no sleep and keeping track of 5 people's schedules and organizing meals and coordinating plans for who knows what, life has actually kept moving forward. That just amazes me. I definitely did not know I was capable of this.

The Ability to Function with Less: Initially this really means less brain function. But really it is functioning with less everything. Time & money being the biggest and most clearly felt. Have to tell you, at about 8pm, I really have a hard time holding an actual conversation. My mind is a muddy mess of fuzzy sleep-deprived mush. And don't even get me started on the money. I've had that rant too many times to count. I've gotten a paycheck for 32 hours a week instead of 40 for the last three months, and somehow we are surviving. And I have less time than ever before to finish what needs to be done, but I feel like it is the deadline mentality...because I have less time, I work that much harder/faster to get it done. And, again, somehow, someway it ends up functioning....albeit not always smoothly.

Flexibility: Perhaps more shocking than anything else I've gained, I simply cannot operate in my normal super-organized, structured and methodical way. Twins have forced me to throw my hands in the air and shake my head (and sometimes cry in frustration). There is no plan that works. No parenting philosophy or book that has the answers. I just cannot care as much. It is SO hard for me. I have found myself saying, "Do whatever you want." Or even, "It doesn't matter really." Or sometimes, "Whatever works." What? Really? Who is this person who has taken over my body? Oh, I know. It is the crazy mom of twins who is just trying to get some sort of routine going so we can have a "normal" day. SIGH. Rough. I found finally that when I stopped trying so hard to get the twins on a schedule and just started enjoying the time I had with them, it ended up falling into place. So yes, being flexible has actually paid off. For the most part, the babies eat and nap at the same times and we have a routine. Not really a schedule down to the minute, but at least a routine.

Faith: A few weeks ago I was commiserating with my sister-in-law Krystal about how much I have changed through this process. I remember telling her that I don't think I can ever look at faith the same after this experience. To be honest, I've never been a person who just easily trusted God. Who could put it in His hands and let it be. Not surprisingly, I'm a tiny bit of a control freak. :) And a little crazy about needing a plan. We all know how that turned out...in every single way, my life has been turned upside down and my plan thrown out the window, run over by a car and then paved over with fresh asphalt. I don't know that I could have learned this lesson of faith any other way. It has been a trying journey, for sure, but I'm so blessed that God took me on the journey in the first place. I can say with confidence that I am no longer in control. My plan means nothing. Don't worry, I'm still me and will still be prepared, but I will never again go into a situation or life in general without that genuine trust in God. I have seen it. I have lived it. I know that He has a plan for my life that is "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Eph 3:20).

Lots gained. Yes, some things lacking. But nothing that really matters. Thankful for some good perspective as I head into the next fun journey at work on Monday. Bye, bye mommy guilt! I'm choosing not to be sad. Looking back with happiness, love and thankfulness for the time I was able to spend with my wee ones. Feels like the end, but I know it is only the beginning. We've got so much fun (and craziness) to look forward to....thankfully I'm not in control. ;)