The Weakness

This last week I have been truthfully pretty miserable. Physically I can barely walk across the room without feeling like the babies are going to drop right out of me (TMI maybe? Really it is just because as soon as I stand I have to pee immediately!) and no matter what I do (sit, stand, lay down) I am constantly out of breath. Ick. Just feeling the effects of being at the end, and it is FINE. It is just pretty miserable. :) Like the morning sickness, I truly believe that this is the part of pregnancy that the glowing new mom haze makes you forget...three years after having my son, and I somehow forgot what the end was really like. Only this time I get to experience it for several more weeks than normal. Yipee!!

Over the weekend I struggled with feeling real weakness. I had to forgo a family day out at Pumpkin Daze because I literally just could not walk around for 2 hours. Ben took Sam and met up with his entire family, and I stayed behind. Thankfully my parents were in town and we did some fun baby prep stuff, but still, all weekend I felt like I was missing out, missing memories, just missing life. Added to that is the guilt of everyone bending over backwards to help me. I appreciate it all so much, but I just feel so awful that my house was a disaster when my parents got here and I have to rely on everyone else to do the most basic things. I can't just run to the grocery store. I can't aimlessly wander around Target looking for good baby loot. I just can't. It is hard. And I know I need to get used to it, because there is only lots more to come as the pregnancy progresses and afterwards in those weeks after the twins are born when I will be holed up in my house for their health and my recovery.

Then Sunday's message at church really hit home. I am so used to being this superwoman who tackles every project, completes every task (early!), maintains a nonstop level of productivity that is exhausting, etc. I do not like being weak. I do not like asking for help. I do not like needing help, period. This entire pregnancy, I feel like God has really gotten my attention, and even humbled me a bit. Taken me a few notches down. I can't say, "This pregnancy isn't going to change my life" or "I still have to keep doing everything I was doing" or even "I want to do this so I'm going to." I have had to just STOP. It is so unlike me, and very...difficult. Even worse than feeling weak inside, this pregnancy, as it has progressed, has forced me to almost embrace the weakness and put it out there for everyone to see. It is something very new for me. I'm not saying I like it! But I do think it has been a rewarding journey and even a good lesson for me. I would say that I am a strong person, but I think God wants me to notice the fact that sometimes I don't let HIM be the strong one. Giving up control and embracing this weakness has just completely turned my world upside down. I love the verse Pastor Randy used in the sermon, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). And I don't think I will ever hear it again without being reminded of this season in my life, where I am so completely out of control of things. And in that lack of control and my daily weaknesses being so apparent, it seems that God has truly shown His power and grace. These babies are doing awesome and we are so so SO close!

This "lesson" was tested even further today by my doctors appointments. The theme of the whole afternoon was, "Be prepared for everything to change." I am 31 weeks along and saw the OBGYN, maternal fetal specialist and had an ultrasound all this afternoon. As usual (THANKFULLY), the babies are doing wonderful. First saw my OB. Measuring full term as expected and got my steroid shot to help boost babies' lung development. I talked to him about my breathing concerns and he laughed and said that I didn't have much torso when I wasn't pregnant! Fortunately, my blood pressure continues to be excellent (120/80) so they aren't concerned with the difficulty breathing. Just an unfortunate byproduct of the end stage. I talked with him about my plan to keep working for 4 more weeks and he just simply said, "Yes. And we'll see how things go. It could change and we just need to expect that things are going to be up in the air for the remainder of this pregnancy." Well, great! What Type A person wants to hear that????? After that appointment I had my ultrasound. Fluid measuring good and no evidence of twin issues, thankfully (again). Saw the specialist and we chatted about how great things were going, still my lack of swelling (yay!) and the tentative plan for the next few weeks as far as appointments and whatnot. Then, another bombshell. Okay, not really a bombshell, but still an adjustment. He says to me that even though my OB scheduled my c-section for 38 weeks and the week of Thanksgiving (which by the way I had just gotten used to), he has decided he doesn't want me to wait that long. He explained that after 36 weeks, the serious risk of stillbirth with these type of identical twins goes up exponentially and it makes it more harmful to keep the pregnancy going than it is to deliver at 36 and deal with the small risk of prematurity. Okay...so he says he is going to ask my OB to reschedule my c-section date closer to 36 weeks. Well...geez people! Again at the end of my appointment, another comment, from the specialist this time, things are just going to be out of our control at this point in your pregnancy. It will likely change from week to week and even day to day. Well....okay then.

So, here goes 5 more weeks (not 7) of weakness. I got a jump start on that tonight by giving in and making cookies. Been wanting to do it for days but have held off so I can keep my weight gain at a reasonable pace. But tonight I couldn't resist. Another type of weakness perhaps, but at least I'm admitting it! Yummy snickerdoodles, only after a feast of homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and asparagus. Delicious! Tomorrow I am sending Ben to work with a whole bag of his favorite cookies so that particular weakness of mine can be squelched for the rest of the week. ;)

Not going to lie, the next 4 weeks of work and then the following week (or so!) of waiting for these babies is going to eventually have me screaming my weaknesses from the rooftops. Won't that be fun! No pushing through just to say I did. No feeling incredibly guilty because others are doing things that I should be doing. No doing things to prove I am not weak. No keeping my mouth shut and not asking for help. Nope. Thank you, God. Lesson learned. I am only strong because of You. And I have zero control. Embracing the weakness here....or at least really really trying. Thank YOU for helping me keep on keeping on. I couldn't do it alone, that's for sure.