The Day

I had a blog post planned for November 1. Was going to call it "The Month" and figured it would be a celebration of reaching the month when these babies were going to make their arrival....little did I know they had other plans! The day-the birthday of my twins - October 26, 2011.

WARNING - I promise this post is not terribly graphic or TMI, but I do talk about pregnancy, delivery, surgery and generally the labor & hospital process from start to finish. If this weirds you out please do not read further. ;) I gave away the punch line at the beginning...we now have two babies. Don't feel bad if you just don't want to know the rest.

For the brave souls: I woke up early the morning of Wednesday, October 26. I wasn't having contractions or any issues. Just a normal work day. I didn't work out and I'd straightened my hair and shaved on Tuesday so I decided to skip a shower that morning and just head to work (major regret later!) In fact, I left before 6:30am so I didn't even get to kiss Sam goodbye. Went to work and chatted with mom like normal on the way...pretty sure we talked about the plan for November 8 (scheduled csection). She joked about me having 12 days left and said she wanted to write a song about 12 days til babies....

Sometime mid-morning I got up from my desk at work to make my usual rounds (bathroom, fill up the water jug, etc) and noticed that when I stood up I really had to pee. So much so that I didn't feel like I quite made it to the bathroom before a tiny bit came out. ICK. I was kind of frustrated because I thought, great, yet another joy to deal with the next two weeks. Many women at the end, especially with twins report having a serious bladder control issue as the pregnancy progresses. GREAT. Just what I wanted to add to the growing list of fun, right? I had a pretty tight skirt on and was drinking tons of water so I really didn't think anything of it. So the day went on and I had several bouts of this trickle effect down under. (Trying not to gross too many people out here!) Left work at 11:15am for back to back meetings downtown. Had no problems for a few hours, but after sitting that long, when I stood up I knew I'd have an issue. Immediately after standing, there was more than a trickle this time. I had a quick fleeting thought of amniotic fluid but it's not like water was gushing or anything here people. Just slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed that I was losing bladder control! No one else could possibly tell so it's not like I walked around with a big old wet spot on my skirt. :)

Picked up Jimmy John's downtown and walking back to the car I had another "episode" but this time it did feel a little more concerning....thinking here "did that just drip on my leg?" I took a deep breath while I buckled up and texted Ben. I just said something like, "May be leaking amniotic fluid but I think I'm just peeing in my pants. Gross. Going home to rest and lay down." A little startling text, I'm sure. Ben was concerned and wanted to know if I was going to call the doctor, etc. Whew. So I reassured him I thought it was just a tiny bit of bladder leakage, embarrassing! And I told him I'd go lay down at home and make sure it still didn't happen when I wasn't vertical. I was slightly concerned but not too bad at this point. I was positive that once I was lying down it would stop.

Then I got home. I walked in the door, put my stuff down, and collapsed on the bed. Ironically I was watching Make Room for Multiples on TLC. :) About 15 minutes later while lying down, I seriously felt like I wet the bed. I called the doctor and remembered that my doctor is out of town this week. Great. The nurse told me to go to labor & delivery just to get checked out since it is often just a problem with bladder control. I stood up to change clothes, call Ben, etc. And then I knew. Let's just say my clothing on the bottom half was saturated 4 times in the next 15 minutes. YIKES. Keep in mind it was still 2pm or so at this point. Ben was planning to stay at work until we had more concrete information. I had texted my sister to let her know because I she was likely going to need to pick up Sam from school. (Yes yes, even in labor I was still my normal coordinating and task master self).

As I was hobbling around the house, trying to change clothes...and then change again...and trying to get my suitcase together (just in case)....and remembering that I hadn't taken a shower and debating to take one then....I was having major "gushing" (OKAY, TMI I am sorry!) and I realized all of a sudden that this was IT. I knew it. For real. No denial or wishing it wasn't. My water just broke.

At that same moment April called me and just said, "I can leave work right now and meet you at the hospital." And I cried. I cried that I was all alone at home trying to pack for the hospital and wetting myself like a senior citizen. I cried because I had just told Ben to stay at work and that I didn't mind waiting to call him once I had more info (Don't worry, I called him immediately back WHILE crying and just told him I needed him to come now). I cried because my sister offered what I didn't feel comfortable asking for. I cried because I hadn't made it. I hadn't gone 36 weeks, hadn't protected these babies enough. I knew it was too soon....well at least too soon to avoid the NICU. I cried because I was going to have to throw my plan out the window yet again. I cried because every time I really let out a sob I started leaking more fluid. I cried because Sam was at school and I hadn't gotten to say bye to him that morning. I cried because I knew my parents wouldn't make it in time from St. Louis. And mostly I cried because I felt like a failure. Just being honest! Not my proudest moment here.

Thankfully my sister-in-law and BFF Krystal answered my tear-filled emotional call and she calmed me down enough to drive to the hospital. Granted, I wasn't hysterical, just extremely worried and truly feeling like I failed. Which I can't say has changed, but we'll get to that another time....

When I pulled in to St. John's Ben had already arrived and staked out a spot up front. By staked out, yes I do for real mean he was standing in it not letting any other cars park. What a guy! :)

I hobbled into the hospital with Ben and April arrived as we were checking into triage. After a brief history, vitals (gained 38 pounds officially!), monitoring hookup and discussion with the nurse, the official confirmation came. Test on "water" showed it definitely was NOT bladder leakage. That is right. Toby apparently wanted out. Popped that amniotic fluid sac and I was in labor. No going back now. Stopping labor at that point increases risks for infection and fetal health. I was 34 weeks and 1 day. The doc on call (who we loved by the way!) just came in and said, well....you had your lung steroid shots, you are a little early, but we expect that with twins. Your doctors weren't going to stop your labor if it happened now anyway. And then he says....I have a csection to do right now and then we'll come get you. WAIT? WHAT? So, like now. NOW?

Um yes. He said, within an hour or two. HOLY. COW. Okay, so here we are again. All of a sudden, you are having these babies before 7pm tonight. Quick, call the family, etc. Arrange to pick up Sam at school, get him dinner, etc....ahhhhh. What a whirlwind that was.

And then the nerves started. I had stopped crying by this point, so it was just full on practical Carrie absorbing the enormity of what we were actually embarking on right here. We had wonderful nurses throughout the process of labor and surgery prep. I asked lots of questions and for the most part just tried to NOT freak myself out with the fact that our baby boys were coming early. And that meant NICU. And who knows what other complications.

The actual surgery itself was really getting to me also. Knowing about the painful recovery. Knowing about the strange and concerning feeling of being in there all alone before they would let Ben in. Knowing that half the people in the OR would be for the baby and wondering if I'd hear them cry or how healthy they would be. AHHH. Just so much worry.

The anesthesiologist keep looking me in the eyes and saying, Don't be anxious. I realized after a few times of this that I must have looked very nervous. Ben was very reassuring also, I just was totally and completely apprehensive and anxious about meeting these babies and enduring the surgery.

Keep in mind that all of this stress and worry was during the surgery prep time when I was in the labor and delivery room, and also when Ben's entire family arrived at the hospital AND Sam was there in the waiting room too. So I'm trying to be strong for them and at the same time trying to deal with the fact that I'm about to have some premature babies....eeek!

Then, before I know it....away we go. To the OR. Spinal block in. Strapped to the table. Cold. Noisy. What a blur. The doc comes in to take a seat and start just as they let Ben in to sit by me and hold my hand. We wait. What seems like forever but I know was barely a minute or two. And then we hear the doctor say, it's a boy! And I held my breath...looked at Ben and waited. Waited for the cry. I said it out loud, almost pleading..."cry, cry, cry!" Then....Toby cried! It was a squeaky, small cry but still a good cry. You could just tell he was little even by the cry. The doctor laughed and said he's holding onto the sheet! I guess that when Toby came out he grabbed the sheet next to me and wouldn't let go. Toby was born at 6:25pm and weighed 4lb 6oz and was 17.5 inches long. Away he went with the nurses to the side to get cleaned up and then another "BOY!" announcement. And again the wait for a cry. Toby was still crying and I couldn't distinguish at this point if there was another cry...then I realized that their cries sounded exactly the same which is why I couldn't tell. Cute! So Gabe cried too. The doctor laughed again and said, "he's peeing everywhere!" Oh yes, Gabe came out peeing. Gabe was born at 6:26pm and weighted 4lb 12oz and was 17 inches long.

I told Ben to go take pictures and he was able to go stand by the babies while the nurses did their stuff. He came back every so often to show me pictures but for the most part I wanted him to spend the rest of the surgery with our babies. The first question I asked of course when he came to sit down was, "how are they?" He showed me pictures and told me they were really good! Great color, breathing completely on their own, etc. Healthy! Awesome. What a relief. No crying for me yet at this point because I was grateful they were here but still worried about the unknown since they were early still. And I didn't feel like I had "made it" as far as the relief of knowing they were far enough along. Ick. About this same time, I noticed a LOT of pulling and tugging on my stomach (no pain of course because I had a spinal block), but just a lot of weird sensations on my stomach. I started feeling VERY nauseous and got scared. They had told me prior to surgery to let them know as soon as I felt sick because it could be a sign of crashing blood pressure. So I told them and they checked but my BP was still okay. Then the anesthesiologist explained that I probably felt sick because they had to take my uterus outside my body to clean and repair, etc. EW! Don't know if that was because Gabe peed, but the anesthesiologist just said sometimes they have to do that and it can be really uncomfortable. Again...EW! So for about 30 minutes I tried not to puke, and got increasingly anxious, so of course then my blood pressure DID drop. They fixed it right away but the nausea didn't stop completely. Ben came back during this time and I asked him to stay because I didn't feel well. At this point I stopped thinking about anything else but just willing myself not to puke. DISGUSTING. Sometime they brought both babies over to Ben and he was able to hold them both and I could see them - what a blessing!!!

Soon after they took the babies to the NICU and Ben left with them. Once the surgery was over I started feeling less nauseous and began the shakes....oh yes, the violent twitching, shivering shakes. Just a byproduct of the change in hormones, they told me. Lovely. It lasted about an hour. They wheeled me into my labor and delivery recovery room, and that nurse was amazing. She told me that the babies had APGAR scores of 8 & 9 which was amazing for preemies. She said that is normal for a full term infant. So she was telling me they were doing great, since of course I was worried (again!) about that.

This was a hard time for me because I was feeling awful, anxious about the babies and all alone. My parents were supposed to be at the hospital by this point, so I called my mom to see if she could come sit with me during the two hour recovery. They got delayed by accidents so I called April and she didn't answer. Too funny. Finally the nurse offered to go to the waiting room to get April and Krystal. Just then April knocked on the door and I was so happy to see her. I explained everything that happened. They went and got Krystal and it was great to see her. Then other family took turns coming in and eventually Ben came back with pictures of the babies.

At 8pm they took me back to my permanent room. Whew. And the rest is just an endless round of 4 night and 5 days of nurses, checks, trips to the NICU, etc. Honestly, St. John's was absolutely fantastic. They were so attentive to me, so understanding and patient. The private room was awesome (well I'm not sure Ben would agree since the couch and the recliner were less than stellar places to sleep for him), and I just had amazing nurses. One in particular, Nina, came in one morning after she had been our nurse for several days and asked how the twins were doing. When we told her they were doing well, she just got a huge smile and said she had been praying for them. How sweet is that!

The pain, as expected, was and continues to be a challenge for me. But honestly, I can deal with pain after not being able to move or over-do it for the sake of the babies while pregnant. At least now I know nothing serious is going to happen...I'm just going to be in PAIN. And that is better. I think mentally preparing myself that it was going to be rough motivated me to get up sooner and walk more. As soon as I was able, I got up, stood up and made myself grit my teeth and start walking, knowing that I'd be able to go to the NICU if I pushed myself. And it worked! Was able to go back to the NICU very quickly and kept up the walking and pushing myself and after a few days, it really did get much better. Very good. All in all, my recovery has been expectedly painful and unexpectedly quick. I'm hanging in there, still very sore from the csection, but trying not to dwell on it.

The family support and help has been tremendous, and I think having people around us has gotten me through some harder patches of really thinking about being in the hospital after delivering babies and NOT having them in the room with me, NOT taking them home with me...NOT getting to hear their every cry or attend to their needs. It is rougher than I could have imagined. But family and friends have been bright spots in a difficult situation. We appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers more than we can ever express.

Now onto the information everyone really is dying to hear, this I know. How are those babies? Yes, yes, I know I could have included that through this post, but there has been such a rollercoaster and learning curve with the NICU to even begin to explain. I tried writing this post every day since Wednesday, and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had very positive moments and very emotional ones these last 5 days. Elation to worry to guilt and everything in between. Hormones do not help the situation, and as you can all imagine, I have really had to remind myself of the 'practical Carrie response' and try to embrace the "me" who is still inside and just dealing with all of this craziness. :)

I digress. So...the babies. Toby and Gabe are just amazing. They look a lot like Sam, but with lighter hair. Originally we could tell them apart more - Toby had a narrower face and Gabe's nose was a little fatter. But as the days go by, those features become more and more similar. I have to say I don't know that I could actually tell them apart anymore! It is pretty crazy and fun. Their personalities are different too. Toby is feisty and alert more. He is a huge cuddler (so sweet). Gabe is extremely lazy and likes to stretch out. He kicks off every blanket and doesn't seem thrilled with enclosed spaces or swaddling. The more I think about it, the funnier it is to me....Toby in my stomach was curled up just like he is now and Gabe was completely stretched as far as he possibly could be and kicked me constantly. Just awesome how those traits have carried over.

When the twins were first born, we were elated that they didn't have to be on oxygen or have breathing assistance of any kind. Thank you lung steroid shots at 31 weeks! They were a healthy color and their first tests showed no infection of any kind (rare I guess for their size/term). So they didn't have to be hooked up to a ton of apparatus-type machines, which was awesome. We have been able to hold them since they were born, thankfully. They are both very healthy with no complications or health concerns. Thank you God! Within about 12 hours we got a crash course in NICU verbiage and procedures. Basically, the boys are only in the NICU at this point because they are too young for their bodies to know how to eat. Which means that they have to learn to suck, swallow AND digest food. The suck & swallowing came right away, but digesting the food takes time with little bitty stomachs. And two more weeks of "cooking" really would have made a significant difference with this ability. So there is nothing wrong with them, and no problem with them at all, but simply due to being 34 weeks they are physically not capable of eating without being trained. So what that means for us is a few weeks in the NICU to "feed." They start with a tiny amount of formula/breastmilk and work their way up to larger amounts. While they do this, they put IVs in and give them what I like to call gatorade, but in reality April explained to us is IV nutrients (electrolytes, potassium, etc) that bypass the stomach. So all they need to grow and sustain life is delivered to them in an IV, allowing them time to learn to eat so that we can take them home. In the time we were in the hospital, a lot has happened. The NICU nurses and doctors have explained as we have gone through each thing, and in short, there are great strides made every day and setbacks all the same. None of the setbacks are out of the ordinary or even concerns. We keep being reminded by the nurses that they are doing exactly what is expected for 34 weeks - which means an up and down road in learning to feed. Very very early on Toby was throwing up when eating, which wasn't great. They decided to put in a feeding tube through his nose to make sure they could still stimulate his belly with milk even if he wasn't taking food from a bottle so great. Gabe at this time was chugging along doing excellent. Then a day later they switched places. Toby took off, stopped spitting up and hasn't needed the feeding tube once. In fact, it was taken out completely last night! Gabe on the other hand started out with no issues feeding and a day later, the spit up and then the feeding tube for him. Eventually Gabe had "residuals" in his stomach, which means they find undigested milk from the previous feeding in his stomach still. If they find too much of this, they cannot feed him the next time. So for a day or so, Gabe's feedings stopped completely. Added to that, he had to have a PICC line put in (which is a longer-term IV of sorts) since he wasn't eating as much. The PICC line involves an actual sterile procedure, and it ended up going into a vein in his head...ick. They warned us that was a possibility, but again, he was a trooper. And again, the NICU nurses reassured us this is totally normal in the roller coaster ride to teaching preemies to eat. So much so that the PICC line nurse does the procedure every DAY on babies in the NICU. That did make us feel a little better. Gabe started feedings the next day again (back at the beginning smaller amounts of course and ironically the same day my milk supply kicked in so he was able to get the easier to digest breastmilk) and hasn't looked back since. Here we are a few days later, and after increasing from a start of 5CCs of formula/milk per feeding and going up 1 or 2 CCs per feeding, Toby has reached the "full" feeding amount of 37 ML and Gabe is up to 24 ML. They are rock stars! Toby got his IV out yesterday and they removed his feeding tube last night. Gabe's nurse just told me today they are going to stop Gabe's IV fluids because he is eating great, and soon they will remove his feeding tube also. We are reminded pretty much daily that either of them could start to have trouble again with their small tummies, so we are just happy they've come this far. After they get to full feedings, they just have to put on weight and keep having regular diaper changes. Then the next step is moving from an isolette (which we also learned is a better step from the monitoring open bed that they were in when we first saw them) to a simple open crib once they maintain their body temperature and then HOME. We spoke with the doctor yesterday and he told us most of the time 34-weekers tend to go home a few weeks before their 40 week original due date. He estimated for us the third week in November and told us he can't wait to see them when they are 3 years old running circles around us. Oh, and he also said they were very handsome. :)

So here I am. About to finish this post after giving birth to these amazing little boys about six days ago. I'm sitting in the NICU waiting room tearing up because some of the other sets of parents are discussing their babies and one said theirs was "stable." Another parent got a huge smile and just said, "Well that's great news." I am just humbled and blessed and so incredibly thankful. My babies are so much more than stable. They are perfectly healthy. Praying for things to stay that way and confident that God has continued to carry our load through these twists and turns. What absolutely amazing gifts He has given us. Even though the road wasn't as I had "planned" I am trusting in each day that God has supplied us enough strength to get through. And soon those few short weeks will fly by, as they did during the pregnancy, and our precious gifts will be at home with us. Looking forward to that day.

The Bedrest

I just couldn't resist....NO I am not on bedrest! And that's the point! No reason to worry, no gossip needed. Nothing happening here, folks.

Major celebration this week. After my doctor's appointments I came to this crazy realization....wait a second! The docs are not going to stop my labor IF it happens from now forward. Which means....NO bedrest. NO pre-babies extended hospital stay, even if I develop preclampsia or something like that. They will just deliver the babies at that point. In short - I made it! I actually made it! Bedrest? No sir. No ma'am. Not this twin momma!

I cannot even count the number of people who have told me this entire pregnancy that they are expecting bedrest or early delivery. Well....early delivery could certainly still happen. 2 weeks and counting. But the bedrest concern is gone. How incredible is that!!??!! What a tremendous relief and just a blessing. Again, one of those things that I feel God is just saying, "See, didn't you all trust me!" So very thankful.

And here we are. I left work Friday with less than 30 emails in my inbox. Holy cow that in itself is a crazy thing. And it's 8pm on Saturday night...another weekend day to go and I will officially be starting my LAST week of work as a mommy of 1. Wow. Also shocked that I made it this long working too! Granted, I've been significantly reducing my workload and work day itself, coming home mid-day to work from home with my feet up and in comfortable clothes. Just taking 30 minutes to lay down right when I get home mid-day is giving me the energy and strength to finish working for the day. A huge relief and will pay off for sure when I am able to spend the whole 12 weeks at home with my babies. Still totally insane that next week is the last week in October and I am going to (probably!) finish out the week working and make it to Friday. Even though I'm the one who chose that date to be done, it still seemed like such an impossible goal 2-3 months ago. And it is within my grasp now!

Then, of course, we have the craziest part of all this - In 2 weeks I am going to have two babies! Anyone else really feeling the reality of this besides me? I mean, this whole pregnancy we've been wanting to "make it." Wanting these babies to be healthy. Wanting just another week. Wanting low risk, no complications, etc. And now...here we are. The babies are truly going to be FINE now. And...that means...we are going to be bringing home two newborn baby boys. AHHHH!!! Such a funny thing to think about.

In my head I've officially moved from the concern about being on bedrest or the babies being born too early....and now I'm fully aware of the things to come: Surgery. Two Babies! Recovery. (UGH!) Two Babies! Diaper Duty. Two Babies! Breastfeeding. Two Babies! Big Brother Adjustment. Two Babies! Visitors at Home. Two Babies! Sleep? HAHA. Two BABIES!

Can you guess where my head has been? TWO BABIES. This is real. This is happening. God has brought us this far and now here we are onto the "most" challenging part.....trusting that somehow, someway, we are going to manage going from a family of 3 to 5 in a matter of minutes. This is our reality, not just a prayer. Not just a hope and wish. We REALLY are going to have two babies in two weeks. I know you may be thinking, "Duh Carrie, you are having two babies - where have you been?" But it is true. I have been so focused on making it this far that I didn't always allow myself to truly ponder the actual REALITY of bringing home two newborn baby boys.

My bags are packed. Diaper bag is ready. The house & baby gear are assembled & prepped. We are completely ready. I pulled some sample twin charts out again today and thought to myself that I really need to create one I'll use and print them out....because before I know it we will be HOME with TWO BABIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And needing a feeding schedule and diaper mess tracking and so much more...added to the fun fact that they will be IDENTICAL so we will still need to make sure to tell them apart somehow. (Green nail polish for Gabe's toe is already packed in my bag - thank you April!)

I feel like we need carnival theme music playing here....let the circus commence!

The Briggs & Stratton

Before you worry too much about my sanity, let me explain straight off the crazy title for this post. I have been experiencing some mild Braxton Hicks contractions, and Ben keeps forgetting the name of them....so he refers to them as Briggs & Stratton contractions...rrrrriiiiigggghhhhhtt. :)

It really is a fitting title though. Here we are on the eve of 33 weeks. Made it yet another week and I feel like the "Little Engine That Could." Every day I'm chanting inside, "I think I can, I think I can...." And...I do, so that's good I guess!

What a complete whirlwind the last week or so has been. Friday night I was frustrated to discover that the wonderful twin travel system (complete with 2 car seats, 4 bases and a large double stroller) we were given for free by a family with twins.....was recalled. Lovely. Of course I had to wait until 3 weeks before the twins arrive to realize this...not the ideal time to go hunting for a new double car seat/stroller combo....considering a 10 minute trek in Walmart leaves me breathless and couch-bound... Also not so great on the bank account.

Have to interject here how incredibly blessed we have been during this pregnancy. From diaper showers to encouragement and prayers to packages arriving unexpectedly to meals sent home from coworkers to cards packed with gift cards, we have been truly blessed. Not 30 minutes after realizing we were going to need to spend $350 on two car seats and a stroller, we opened a few gifts and were speechless to discover more than $200 in gift cards! What an answer to prayers we didn't even pray! That is kind of how the whole pregnancy has gone - just people providing the strength, encouragement and support we needed (physical, emotional and financial)! So so thankful to everyone.

Fast forward to Saturday. Ended up at Target with the fam to investigate car seat options. Mom refused to let me walk around so I got to navigate the aisles in the charming beeping motor carts. (Again an engine reference - Briggs & Stratton!) Oh yes, that was me. Big old preggo on a cart, humiliated, and hoping not to see anyone I knew. Walked out of Target a bit poorer but equipped with two perfect car seats for this growing family. Not thrilled that we had to buy them but happy the boys will be safe and we are ready with car seats for them to go in! Stroller is on order from Walmart and should arrive by next Friday.

Another fun weekend with the parents - much less work and just a few things to get done. My dad installed a light in the baby closet (I swear this wasn't even on my list!) and he put up the baby gate too. Mom cleaned my house, finished laundry and just took care of the house stuff that is physically almost impossible for me. Ben tolerated my nesting and moved/organized some boxes without complaining. :) All in all, successful and not too physically difficult weekend.

Then we have the work week. I decided at the end of last week to cut back and only work 7am - Noon this week since I've been steadily having contractions every afternoon and the only thing that helps is laying down for a bit. Well today I worked until 1:15pm and then headed to my doctor's appointment. Not really a break, and BOY I am feeling it now at 8pm. Regardless, I hope to actually stick with the Noon departure this week to avoid much more of those "Briggs & Stratton" rumblings.

VERY eventful doctor's appointment today. My "little engine that could" was feeling less confident than usual going into today. I knew this appointment would be a long one. Start of surveillance, monitoring both babies, full growth ultrasound and appointment with the specialist. I ended up being there for almost 2.5 hours. I always have a small amount of worry inside before they take my blood pressure and in the few moments before we see both babies moving and heartbeats. But today really put me through the ringer.

Arrived to the appointment out of breath, moving slow and feeling tired. Shuffled into the vitals room and was elated to hear that my blood pressure CONTINUES to remain good. 128/70 and I'm avoiding preclampsia, thankfully. Then I was ushered into a new room for the surveillance and monitoring. Never done this part before, and I was really wishing Ben could have been there to calm my nerves and pep talk me through it. ;) I'm a big girl though, and I managed it alone. Not without a serious amount of anxiety....

They hooked me up to the monitors - one for Baby A, one for Baby B, and one for me to measure potential contractions. And off we went. All they had told me at this point was that they try for 20 minutes to get a good reading on these babies. After those 20 minutes, the nurse came back in and that's when the worry started. Baby A was doing great and cooperating exactly how they wanted. Baby B...not so much. Heart rates weren't dropping or anything crazy, but Baby B wasn't demonstrating enough "activity" or increased heart rate for a certain interval of time within the 20 minute window. So began the nurse coming in every 5 minutes checking, tearing off the chart, showing the specialist and coming in again. She tried to wake up Baby B with some kind of acoustic/vibrating tool on my tummy (weird!) and again she kept coming to check. Never really sure what was going on, I was a little less than happy and confident at this point. All this combined with the fact that once I was sitting still for that long and watching the monitors, I realized I was DEFINITELY having contractions. Great. They were just at the very top of my huge belly and didn't hurt, but they definitely were contractions. The nurse commented on that also, but didn't really give any "that's okay" or "that's normal" vibes. All in all, this first time of monitoring process was super stressful. After a full hour they stop the monitoring. Right at the very end I guess Baby B cooperated finally and she said both babies "passed" the test. Um...okay? Then she proceeds to tell me what would have happened if they HADN'T passed. I guess that they use a points system for each baby when monitoring. If they don't get enough points during the monitoring, then you have to go through a specific type of ultrasound that equates to 30 minutes with each baby. If they still don't get enough points that way, then you do not pass the 'test' and have to repeat the entire process the very next day to ensure the babies are active/healthy/etc. Whew. So, my babies passed....but I was still left with a very uneasy and worried mind....is Baby B okay even though it took him so long to pass the test? Are these contractions I suspected but now actually confirmed going to mean #1 No Work or worse...#2 Admittance to the Hospital? Ugh. Worry!!!!!! But of course the only person who can answer these questions is the maternal fetal specialist who I didn't see for another HOUR. That's right...went straight from the monitoring to my growth ultrasound. Different tech than normal and my poor belly and babies were just beat (literally!) by this point from prodding and moving. Ultrasound was pretty painful and just blah. Found out the babies are 9oz different in size, which is much more than last time, so that was yet another concern weighing on my mind.

Fast forward again and I am sitting in the consultation room waiting for the specialist and anxious for what I'm about to hear. And then....he comes in. And he is the most calm, encouraging and no-nonsense doctor ever. He goes through the whole list of things, my concerns, and what they found. And....we're all good...well great actually! Crazy. It was really kind of funny....in a non laughing way...Apparently it is completely normal for the monitoring to take an hour, and sometimes the babies just won't even cooperate or the monitors themselves don't stay on to get a good reading, etc. So actually my babies did really well! I guess that at 33 weeks, the babies aren't necessarily big enough to demonstrate exactly what they want to see on the monitors, so he completely expected what happened and was thrilled that both babies did actually pass the test the first time....basically what I saw as a concern he was happy about. Good grief. I talked to him of course about the contractions. He assured me they were Braxton Hicks and that I'd probably be having lots more of them as we progressed. Well, okay then! No worries there, check. (However I do have to watch it and make sure they don't become painful, very regular and/or progress to lower abdomen and back cramping. I brought up work and he said that there is no reason I cannot continue working - he himself said that every day I can work now is another day I can be home with then, and I'm having NO preterm risks whatsoever. Nothing I'm doing at work is affecting these babies in a bad way. As long as I continue to listen to my body and rest when I need it, I am good to go for the duration. Whew. So my plan remains to finish this week 7am - Noon and re-evaluate for next week. Hoping still to make it until October 28 at work if I physically can! Shocked that the doc was so encouraging with work. That conversation actually led to a labor discussion. The doctor, on his own, said that I am almost to the point where they wouldn't stop my labor if I did actually start...I supposed that 34 weeks is that milestone. Then he proceeded to tell me that since I got the lung steroid shots two weeks ago he doubts they will stop labor even if I went now!!!! GEEZ!!!! He literally said that he doesn't have concerns for these babies - they are healthy and will be fine if born now. (Granted, they would still need NICU time, but he is very happy with their developmental maturity at this point).

Sorry to keep you waiting for the best news at all....these babies are both over 4 pounds! Can you even believe it???? Yes, I have almost 9 pounds of baby in me right now. Considering Sam was born at 39 weeks weighing 5lb 10oz, these are big babies!!! Baby A is 4lb 2oz and Baby B is 4lb 11oz. The doctor said some of that difference in size (that I was of course worried about when the ultrasound tech told me) is ultrasound error and they are around 10% different in weight - anything under 20% difference they consider nomal and healthy. So we are good!!! AND BIG. YAAAAHOOOO!

So I walked out of the doctors office after more than two hours of stress with a huge weight lifted and elated that these babies are over 4 pounds each. Scheduled the remainder of ALL my appointments in the next three weeks and breathed another sigh of relief. I will probably not have another growth ultrasound before the babies are born so this is the last marker we will have about how big they will be when born. They have grown about a pound each in the last month, so we can expect them (if I make it to November 8) to be just under or around 5 pounds probably. That is AMAZING! Again, my original goal this whole pregnancy was hoping for babies that were 4 pounds. I am so happy!!!!!!!

What a complete rollercoaster of emotions today. And so...here we are. 33 Weeks. Chugging right along. And the little engine that could....can. And will. Another day down. Just a little more weight to pull and a little more slowly. But soon on the other side I will be saying, I thought I could...and did. Looking forward to that day.

The Countdown

Four weeks. You may say long weeks...you may say short weeks. Same difference. Still just four. To be exact, from this moment (8:20pm) I am scheduled to meet these babies in 27 days 12 hours and 10 minutes. Thank you crazy online countdown calendar.

Now, it is everyone's best guess whether or not I will actually make it that far! But at least there is an END to this craziness.

Last week I just thought I was miserable. Who knew what I was in store for?!? HAHA. Yes, that is correct. Cheery, positive me is being challenged once again with every day that goes by. At the end of last week I was physically just overwhelmed, beyond miserable and wondering how in the world I would ever be able to work another day. Ick. Not a great feeling. I rested all weekend long (well at least moderately rested). Decided that this week I would go into work early, leave early and NOT pick up Sam. I have tried that for two days now and it is helping tremendously. Still getting in a work day with energy (mostly!), and then coming home without Sam is allowing me to actually rest. I feel terrible because this means Sam is at school longer, but just an extra hour or two off my feet (or even asleep!) is helping. And once he and Ben get home, I can actually spend a little time with them, which is nice also. So that's the plan for this week at least. It has been two days and so far so good.

Not going to lie, I'm really struggling with how much longer I can physically go to work. Trying to balance this with the knowledge that every day I take off earlier is less time I could potentially have with the twins once they are here at home. What a struggle. The "plan" all along was to try to work until October 28. Which is 2.5 weeks from now and 1.5 weeks from my c-section. But again, I come back to the physical challenge. Don't worry - I am not having problems with the pregnancy. Mild Braxton Hicks here and there but nothing else...really not even swelling. By physical struggles I truly mean that I literally physically can barely MOVE, BREATHE or just FUNCTION at this time. It is a little insane! It is at this point in the twin pregnancy that I wholeheartedly say I would not wish a multiples pregnancy on anyone. ;)

So, the work challenge. This week is working out coming home to rest mid-afternoon. Depending on how I feel as the week ends, I may well decide to have this Friday be the end of the full time work and try to manage working part time from home next week. I hate to say this because it seems like admitting defeat in many ways, but I just want to make sure I'm doing everything possible to protect these babies and keep them growing. And at the same time, I am beginning to wonder physically how I can actually keep going!?! I have 33 (approximate) pounds I'm lugging around my midsection and I'm almost falling over just standing up. Really kind of funny if you think about it.

And again, we have the countdown. Four weeks. Can you really believe it? I have said all along that my first goal was to make it to 24 weeks, then 28. Then 32. At 32 weeks, according to much of what I've read, multiples born now can expect virtually no long-term health complications. They would of course need some definite NICU time to feed and grow, but 32 weeks is that milestone that marks their immune system and organ development and really a healthy outcome. And here we are. Literally from this point, every single day that passes is one less day to worry. One less day in the NICU. One less day of complications. One less day.

And so I will endure. As long as possible. ....I wouldn't be me without a new goal right? So now I'm aiming for 33 weeks. Yes, I'm going for one more week at a time.

Handy dandy computer countdown to c-section now says 27 days, 11 hours, 15 minutes and 30 seconds to go. I got this.

The Weakness

This last week I have been truthfully pretty miserable. Physically I can barely walk across the room without feeling like the babies are going to drop right out of me (TMI maybe? Really it is just because as soon as I stand I have to pee immediately!) and no matter what I do (sit, stand, lay down) I am constantly out of breath. Ick. Just feeling the effects of being at the end, and it is FINE. It is just pretty miserable. :) Like the morning sickness, I truly believe that this is the part of pregnancy that the glowing new mom haze makes you forget...three years after having my son, and I somehow forgot what the end was really like. Only this time I get to experience it for several more weeks than normal. Yipee!!

Over the weekend I struggled with feeling real weakness. I had to forgo a family day out at Pumpkin Daze because I literally just could not walk around for 2 hours. Ben took Sam and met up with his entire family, and I stayed behind. Thankfully my parents were in town and we did some fun baby prep stuff, but still, all weekend I felt like I was missing out, missing memories, just missing life. Added to that is the guilt of everyone bending over backwards to help me. I appreciate it all so much, but I just feel so awful that my house was a disaster when my parents got here and I have to rely on everyone else to do the most basic things. I can't just run to the grocery store. I can't aimlessly wander around Target looking for good baby loot. I just can't. It is hard. And I know I need to get used to it, because there is only lots more to come as the pregnancy progresses and afterwards in those weeks after the twins are born when I will be holed up in my house for their health and my recovery.

Then Sunday's message at church really hit home. I am so used to being this superwoman who tackles every project, completes every task (early!), maintains a nonstop level of productivity that is exhausting, etc. I do not like being weak. I do not like asking for help. I do not like needing help, period. This entire pregnancy, I feel like God has really gotten my attention, and even humbled me a bit. Taken me a few notches down. I can't say, "This pregnancy isn't going to change my life" or "I still have to keep doing everything I was doing" or even "I want to do this so I'm going to." I have had to just STOP. It is so unlike me, and very...difficult. Even worse than feeling weak inside, this pregnancy, as it has progressed, has forced me to almost embrace the weakness and put it out there for everyone to see. It is something very new for me. I'm not saying I like it! But I do think it has been a rewarding journey and even a good lesson for me. I would say that I am a strong person, but I think God wants me to notice the fact that sometimes I don't let HIM be the strong one. Giving up control and embracing this weakness has just completely turned my world upside down. I love the verse Pastor Randy used in the sermon, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). And I don't think I will ever hear it again without being reminded of this season in my life, where I am so completely out of control of things. And in that lack of control and my daily weaknesses being so apparent, it seems that God has truly shown His power and grace. These babies are doing awesome and we are so so SO close!

This "lesson" was tested even further today by my doctors appointments. The theme of the whole afternoon was, "Be prepared for everything to change." I am 31 weeks along and saw the OBGYN, maternal fetal specialist and had an ultrasound all this afternoon. As usual (THANKFULLY), the babies are doing wonderful. First saw my OB. Measuring full term as expected and got my steroid shot to help boost babies' lung development. I talked to him about my breathing concerns and he laughed and said that I didn't have much torso when I wasn't pregnant! Fortunately, my blood pressure continues to be excellent (120/80) so they aren't concerned with the difficulty breathing. Just an unfortunate byproduct of the end stage. I talked with him about my plan to keep working for 4 more weeks and he just simply said, "Yes. And we'll see how things go. It could change and we just need to expect that things are going to be up in the air for the remainder of this pregnancy." Well, great! What Type A person wants to hear that????? After that appointment I had my ultrasound. Fluid measuring good and no evidence of twin issues, thankfully (again). Saw the specialist and we chatted about how great things were going, still my lack of swelling (yay!) and the tentative plan for the next few weeks as far as appointments and whatnot. Then, another bombshell. Okay, not really a bombshell, but still an adjustment. He says to me that even though my OB scheduled my c-section for 38 weeks and the week of Thanksgiving (which by the way I had just gotten used to), he has decided he doesn't want me to wait that long. He explained that after 36 weeks, the serious risk of stillbirth with these type of identical twins goes up exponentially and it makes it more harmful to keep the pregnancy going than it is to deliver at 36 and deal with the small risk of prematurity. Okay...so he says he is going to ask my OB to reschedule my c-section date closer to 36 weeks. Well...geez people! Again at the end of my appointment, another comment, from the specialist this time, things are just going to be out of our control at this point in your pregnancy. It will likely change from week to week and even day to day. Well....okay then.

So, here goes 5 more weeks (not 7) of weakness. I got a jump start on that tonight by giving in and making cookies. Been wanting to do it for days but have held off so I can keep my weight gain at a reasonable pace. But tonight I couldn't resist. Another type of weakness perhaps, but at least I'm admitting it! Yummy snickerdoodles, only after a feast of homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes with gravy and asparagus. Delicious! Tomorrow I am sending Ben to work with a whole bag of his favorite cookies so that particular weakness of mine can be squelched for the rest of the week. ;)

Not going to lie, the next 4 weeks of work and then the following week (or so!) of waiting for these babies is going to eventually have me screaming my weaknesses from the rooftops. Won't that be fun! No pushing through just to say I did. No feeling incredibly guilty because others are doing things that I should be doing. No doing things to prove I am not weak. No keeping my mouth shut and not asking for help. Nope. Thank you, God. Lesson learned. I am only strong because of You. And I have zero control. Embracing the weakness here....or at least really really trying. Thank YOU for helping me keep on keeping on. I couldn't do it alone, that's for sure.