The Hiatus

Down. Discouraged. Tired. Stressed. Weary. All words that can unfortunately be used to describe my mood the past week. Or month. Okay, okay....the past few months. In case you haven't noticed, I've taken a hiatus from the blogging world.

To be gut level honest with you all (and when I say "all" I really mean my mom because I'm pretty sure she's the only one who is periodically checking to see if I've posted anything new since it has been so long...) I haven't written because I simply haven't wanted to write what was in my head. Writing brings my thoughts to life and affirms what is really going on inside. Writing, for me, is a way of working through things and keeping the positivity. It is my therapy of sorts. It is the way I flesh out everything that I'm dealing with and organize it into a positive thought or idea. It's a way for me to make sense of the craziness and remain positive. Do you see a theme here? All positive. But writing also is truthful. It is my life and who I am. And I just haven't felt much like digging too far to see what was inside there for a while. Not feeling very positive and not really wanting to share that I wasn't feeling very positive.

Before I sat down to write this I read my last post from mid-April - about setting my weight goal (which by the way I didn't get to see myself hit because our basement flooded and I lost the Wii for a month and by the time I got it back I had a sinus infection and had to go on strong antibiotics and stop pumping, thus gaining the few pounds I lost for my birthday....sigh). Anyway, I read the last post and I was still channeling positive, peppy Carrie. Still myself.

And them somewhere along the line I stopped being able to conjure up a genuine positive mantra after the end of a long day...and a long week...and endless strings of long days and long weeks. No good. If you know me (why do I always say that because really why would you be reading this if you didn't know me...I am not that cool or interesting!!??!!!) ...so if you know me...you know that I am positive. It is that simple, really. And to be Carrie but NOT be positive? It's not a pretty picture. Just ask my husband. Or my sister. Or the many people who have seen me grumpy in the last two months. HAHA.

I wouldn't pretend to know what it is like to battle clinical depression. I wouldn't pretend to know what true post-partum blues feel like. But I can say with absolute certainty that I do not know another time in my life where I have faced such a heavy burden without my normal cheery nature. Like a cloud over my mood where no sunshine breaks through. And that's just sad.

I could write about the wonderful blessings I have been given in my three kids. I could tell you that the twins are amazing bundles of energy and full of smiles and personality. I could shriek with happiness that the babies are finally, finally, FINALLY sleeping through the night. I could go on and on about the tender-hearted four year old who is growing up so fast, stepping up as the playful and helpful big brother that we knew he would be. I could write about how amazing my husband has been with never tiring and never stopping and never failing to live this crazy life with me and my less than stellar mood lately. I could describe how I felt to cross the finish line when I ran my first ever 5K recently. I could write about how thankful I am that my sister is still making it work, living here to help out (without a cozy home or a bathroom for much of the last two months). I could write about my parents...I am literally tearing up as I even type this...without whom I would not be able to sustain my family or continue on...they have been so tremendous beyond words and provide what I feel incapable of asking for. I could write. I could. But for today I'm not. I'm going to write what's been on my heart....which is NOT (much to my dismay) positive. It is instead a wistful and weary recognition that my life is totally and completely overwhelming.

There I said it. I equate my life right now to drowning. I am swimming frantically, barely able to keep my head above water. Barely making it...surviving by thrashing my legs in an angry tread and forcing my lungs to get that air for another day....and then every so often I'm dunked. Completely under. And I come up sputtering and gasping for air and try to tread water yet again. It has been a basement flood. And illness. And financial strain. And car trouble. And more basement flood. And more car trouble. And more. And more. And more. Just when I think it cannot possibly get any worse I find myself dunked again. SIGH.

Perhaps the hardest part of all of this for me has been a loneliness I cannot describe. By very nature I'm not one to need others. I get through things. I'm the one that people know if they can't get to or call back or stay in touch with that I will be the one that is okay. The one that isn't needy. The one that you don't worry about really truly needing you because they put on their happy face and push through. It's okay. It's by my own design. I don't WANT to need other people!! But this self-sufficiency really backfires sometimes. Like lately. Dangit, there are times I just need to be needy and have that just be okay and have those people rush in and save the day because I really need it.....

So why now? Why decide to write now? Why depress you all with this dark version of Carrie you all probably hoped didn't exist? Believe it or not because I'm tired of it. I'm just tired. I am in a funk. A bad one. I can't seem to shake it and some days I just don't even care...yikes that is scary! I realize at work this probably doesn't show much. I may be a tad more cynical but for the most part my work requires an attitude of positivity. And so I deliver. Day after day. For 40ish hours. And then I come home. And unleash the beast...hahahahaha. Okay, I was getting kind of really dark there and I had to lighten it up a bit. But seriously I bet Ben would describe it like that. I am not always a nice person to be around right now. Thank you family for putting up with me!!!

I'm writing in hopes that getting this out on paper (errrr....computer screen) will help me begin to overcome. Help give me a boost. Help get out the negativity and start turning things around. I realized that something had to change this weekend. I spent the weekend doing things that would normally make me thrilled...finishing a book, being super productive, getting some actual down time, etc. All of it....still brooding Carrie. BLAH. So sick of it. Then Sunday morning at church I loved the message. All about David and how he firmly trusted God. Knew that God would provide and deliver and that His God was infinitely stronger and better than anything that came his way. Our associate pastor who was preaching made a quick comment that rattled me for probably the first time in two months of this crazy haze I've been in....he said, "Every time my wife and I are faced with stress or difficulty or a situation we have no idea how we are going to deal with we get out our list. Our list of the blessings. Of the times when God provided food and life and health, etc. And we know that despite the scary situation we are in, God has done it before and will do it again. And we are still scared. But we trust." I left church thinking all day, "Where is my trust?" I know it. I know better than I ever could have imagined how much God has provided for me and the numerous blessings he has given me. Some days though, it's easy to forget that. And I guess I have. Even still, knowing that....it's hard. It's hard to be positive. It may not be a mark of high faith, but I do believe it is the mark of humanity. Life is just pretty hard sometimes. And while we know what we should feel and think and believe...it's not always that easy to live out. But we have to keep pressing on. And I guess that's what I've been struggling with.

I spent the evening last night with a good friend who had a baby less than a week ago. As we talked breastfeeding challenges and newborn crying I had an overwhelming flood of (GASP, SHOCK, HORROR) positivity. Genuine positivity. I came home and found Ben downstairs watching TV. I laid down on the couch next to where he sat, closed my eyes and grabbed his hand and just sighed. I laughed a little and said, "Well, baby....it doesn't feel like it. It really doesn't. But we've made it. We are out of the newborn baby craziness. Do you remember what it was like? We really have made it through." It was the perfect reminder.

It hasn't slowed down. It hasn't really gotten easier...just new challenges like corralling the mobile infants and dodging carrots spitting from babies' mouths. There's not much that I can truly say is going good right now.

But still. At the end of the day. At the end of the week. At the end of the month...or two. We're still here. We are still surviving. We may be desperately treading water. We may be sputtering a bit after a quick dunk from time to time. But you know what? Our muscles are growing after swimming so long. And our lungs are holding more and more air than we ever thought possible. We're getting stronger.

And we aren't dead yet.

Hey! I just found something to be positive about.... :)