The Crying

Will it ever end?

I seriously wish I could write a post one of these days that was super-Carrie-positive. Just not happening right now!!!!

The crying. Oh my. The crying. It is rough. We hit a particular bad patch tonight. Two hours of sobbing and finally Gabe was exhausted and fell asleep. That was with holding him, patting him, rocking him, laying him down, picking him up, putting him in the swing, pacifier, no pacifier, bottle, no bottle, blanket to cuddle...nothing worked. He's feeling under the weather and crying makes the cold, congestion and coughing just that much worse. No fun at all. Toby held out for a while and then gave Gabe a run for the crying prize when his stomach started cramping after the bedtime bottle. Thank you acid reflux. SIGH. Please, please, please. Babies give us a break. We are tired. We are cranky. We love you dearly, but we just can't take the crying. Someday I know we will look back on this with fondness (and so very thankful it is over) but wow. It is just rough at times. Ben said today he actually dreads coming home some days.

April asks me regularly if I am crying on the inside. Yes. Yes, I am. You just do what you have to do. And yes it is crazy. And hard. And frustrating. And wonderful (of course). I love my kids. But DANG. This crying is rough.

This weekend was one for the record books. And not the good, world record kind. No. This was the....please, GOD, let us never have another whirlwind of crying, puny sicko babies again. (Don't worry I know full well we will....but a girl can hope!)

Back to the crying....or....not crying....or not letting the baby cry.....

I have held off posting about this particular subject for quite some time, but frankly I'm in a funk and I just can't help myself I suppose. Please do not take offense. I am so sick and tired of feeling like I am a bad mom for the way I raise my kids, the choices I make and the things we do as a family. I appreciate all the mommas, my friends and family both, who have chosen to do things a little differently. Some I may think, "Hmm...well that's not the way I'd do it." But seriously, people, we have got to stop with the hard core judgment. I still love you. I still love your kids.

A college friend's facebook post sums up my thoughts perfectly and I cannot help but publish here: Women. We have to stop this silliness about the best way to be a mom. Natural birth or epidural, breast feeding or formula, cloth diapering or disposable, attachment parenting or sleep training, making baby food or buying it. These aren't questions on college applications. They don't separate the axe murders from the philanthropist. Don't shake your baby or put it in the dryer. Just give it some some love and attention and then have a glass of wine.

I love this. Truly. Love this. Lately in my life it seems like everywhere I turn there is pressure to do things a certain way, but I am not naive. Nor am I a bad mom!!!!! I don't do things just because other people do. I research. I plan. I make calculated, rational decisions about life. And so if I choose to breastfeed it is because I want to and feel like it is the best decision for me. Not because I think every mom who does formula is somehow damaging her child forever. Because with Sam I only nursed for 5 weeks. I've pumped for almost 5 months with the twins but according to some that's still not good enough because I'm not actually nursing. Come ON people. Then another one. Diapers. I admire those who tackle the cloth diapering challenge. I love that it is even fun for many, but I decided that I just am not hopping on that train. Something has to give in my life and that is it. We have not purchased a single diaper since the twins were born. I have thousands. I do mean thousands of diapers in my basement from gifts. We may actually make it to nearly the twins' first birthdays before needing to purchase diapers. No joke. And I am going to happily put those disposables on my little ones' behinds not only for my sanity but also because it is O.K.

And finally my favorite. The colossal choice: attachment or not? You all know my stance here. After TONS of research and a million other reasons I lean to the sleep training way. Basically we just do a general routine through the day of eat, play and then sleep. But nothing about having twins has followed any book or plan. It's this weird hybrid of things that work. I just think it is impossible to hold both my babies at the same time and to make sure they don't cry because if they do they are somehow learning I don't love them. Just impossible. If I try to achieve this "no crying" and "holding" or "feeding" every time they protest it will literally be impossible with two babies. At the same time, I can't do the "cry it out" method because they wake each other up, etc. I do know many a happy child that has matriculated from a loving home that leans along the attachment parenting lines, but to be honest, I feel sometimes like these mommas (many of them my friends or family) are so against doing it any other way that my choices and the results are completely void. Samuel is an amazing, happy, well adjusted and just all around great kid. We for sure did sleep training and "everything else wrong." But he is independent. AND he knows I love him. Safe and secure. Knows what to expect and when to expect it. Knows I will always take care of his every need but also knows he can comfort himself on his own. He's not a robot. He is a sensitive and caring little dude. I just cannot look at Sam and think that somehow sleep training (or any philosophy other than attachment parenting) is fundamentally wrong. There are different types of mommies. And different types of kiddos. I am doing the best I can with what I have, armed with lots of research, many examples all along the spectrum and have made my decisions. There. I said it. Don't hate me please. But please don't expect me to love all your links to the dangers of formula, the poison of Babywise and the quantity of diapers in landfills. Sometimes it is a little offensive. I'm not a bad mom. Why do I keep having to defend myself?

EEEEK. That was a little to harsh. And honest. I have wanted to write that for months but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Then I thought...wait, everyone else does! At least my blog is (fairly) private. If you choose to read and you don't agree, you don't even have to tell me .... or you can! Either way. ;) I still love you all!

So I guess instead of "The Crying" I should have labeled this post "The Brutal Honesty." The truth is I am just a working mom doing the best I can with what I have been blessed with. Some days it feels like my crazy life is simply overwhelming and impossible. BUT. Despite the lack of sleep. And lack of time. And lack of everything else....we keep going. Hoping each day is better than the previous. Happy that the twins are here. We hug our kiddos, look around our messy house and learn to love our new life just a little bit more each day.

And someone...please....give me that glass of wine! (Okay...not really. I'm not a drinker...you know that). In my case I'd end the rant with "Don't shake your baby or put it in the dryer. Just give it some some love and attention (put the kids to bed, go downstairs in peace) and then have some ice cream...or cookies...or cupcakes...(with milk)!"