The Circus

My oh my! What a life we are living. Yesterday Ben said he keeps having to remind himself this isn't punishment. HA! I agreed. We know this is a blessing, but it is HARD WORK.

So I'm the ringleader and my life is a circus. I apologize for the delay in posting - it seems that working full time and caring for my family has left me little time for....well, anything else!?! I realized today that my last blog post was the week before I went to work - a telling sign for what was to come, I suppose.

My answer for people who ask me how things are going is, "Good." I usually follow that up with a laugh and something along the lines of, "It's an adventure." Truthfully I don't know what else to say. Life with twin babies is just seriously insane. Most days I barely blink and it's time for a few hours of sleep again before we start this circus over the next day.

I am just weary. WARNING that this post is probably not a reflection of my most positive moments. ;) Read on if you dare....

Pumping at work is probably the thing I detest the most. Thankfully I have an office door that I can close and do my thing, but taking time every few hours to pump just wreaks havoc on meeting schedules, pop in visitors and a host of other things that just aren't conducive to my job on a daily basis. Not to mention that I periodically leave my pump parts sterilizing bags in the microwave and then have to rush embarrassingly to get them when someone needs to use it for food prep. I know it is my "right" to pump at work. I know it is good. I know it is nothing I have to be ashamed or embarrassed about. But in reality it just isn't something I enjoy or that works with the flow of my workday and it is the single biggest frustration and annoyance in my life. Nonetheless, I have continued. Five weeks and counting back at work and pumping on a daily basis, lugging my gear back and forth. Only a few days of torture when back to back meetings ran long despite my "scheduled" pumping breaks and I had a 5 hour or 6 hour or 7 hour stretch without relief. SIGH! And still I continue. Mostly because it is good for babies. Also because it is beneficial financially and only a tiny tiny bit because it burns calories and I am stress eating and finding it difficult to fit in more than 3 short workouts a week!!!!

I know I could stop pumping anytime. I really do know. But it isn't hurting me physically and it is SO good for the twins to have immunities and the health benefits of breastmilk I just cannot stop yet. I am aiming for 6 months....hope I can make it! In some small way I feel like I owe it to the twins to keep it up, to offer them the best I can when the rest of our life is a mess.

What else is going on in my world? Oh yes, logistics. I am not joking when I say I'm the ringleader of this circus. Up at 4am when the babies eat and I can't go back to sleep if I am going to be ready to walk out the door at 7am. Loads of baby dishes and laundry in the wee morning hours. Packing lunches, making breakfast, making bottles for the day. Loading up the diaper bag, compiling pumping gear, getting ready.....TIRED.

Sometimes when I walk in my house at the end of the day I feel like I'm seeing the last show of the circus with the ground littered with popcorn and peanuts...and elephant poo. There are dirty diapers, dishes, laundry and just stuff everywhere at my house. It is literally a constant battle to keep things clean and I'm failing miserably I fear. We play catch up on Wednesday nights while Sam is at church and on the weekends, but every moment in between we are BARELY keeping things running....my my. Again, feeling weary, overwhelmed and just tired. Ben and I keep passing each other coming and going and just looking at each other solemnly and repeating to each other, "Sorry life is so crazy right now."

There are bright spots, thankfully! The babies are smiling and giggling. They are responding to us and they definitely have their own personalities!!! It is really fun to see their differences emerge. :) Sam turned four and he is an amazing kid. Our family is complete and it is a true joy to experience.

The circus is hard on our marriage. Not in a "fighting all the time and tense" kind of way but a "we have so much going on we barely talk" kind of way. That's probably one of the roughest parts of this whole craziness. Every single moment of every day, including the middle of the night, we are just running on adrenaline and barely acknowledging each other. We help each other accomplish tasks like dinner or baby feedings, all while directing traffic, holding fussy little ones and playing Peter Pan pretend with Sam.

We got to go out last weekend to dinner and a movie and I thoroughly enjoyed our adult conversation. We even held hands during the movie...I know!!! (teeeheeeheee....physical touch?) I know, I know. What a dream! HAHA.

On the way home from the movie we talked about how crazy our lives were. How we know it is crazy and it is just our life right now. We know it will eventually get easier and things will even out a bit. We reminisced a bit about our carefree 'butterfly-in-the-stomach' just falling in love stage and how blissfully happy we were. As I reflected on that time with a smile, I couldn't help but think about the circus. We had NO clue 12 years ago when we met that this would be our life. We had NO clue 9 years ago when we got married that we'd be running the twin show and so incredibly stressed and maxed out we could barely think straight. But at the same time, we also had no clue how amazing it would be. How much fun we would be having. How blessed we were to be. And how much happiness we would share. At the end of the day, when we wearily collapse and prepare for another run at this tomorrow, I need to remind myself....the circus takes a lot of work to run, but the reward is great, the show is spectacular and every once in a while there are the moments where you gasp at the 'death-defying' feats, amazed at how they pulled it off.