The Year

It has certainly been a memorable one. Whether you look at the year behind or the year ahead, there is an undeniable blessing attached to both.

Who would have thought a year ago today that I'd be the mommy of three kids, survived a twin pregnancy, delivery, NICU stint and the first two months with preemie twins. Whoa. It has been TOUGH. Not gonna lie. :)

I can honestly say without hesitation that carrying, delivering and now caring for my family this year has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. It has required every sacrifice, every focus, every determination, everything I have inside to keep on keeping on day after day in the whirlwind of my crazy life.

Don't get me wrong, I am beyond blessed and thankful for an amazing past 12 months. I am ending 2011 with a truly great life.

Toby & Gabe are healthy and happy. Sure, we struggle with lack of sleep and reflux and schedules and crying and fussiness....and laundry & dishes....and more laundry & dishes!!! But every time we see the pediatrician or the home health nurse, they marvel at how well the twins are doing. How bright-eyed they are, and how they are just thriving. This week, Gabe weighed in at 9lb 13oz and Toby at 9lb 5oz. They have more than doubled their birth weights now in two months and have made a mark on the actual growth charts! I am enjoying their baby days so much more than I did Sam's. Despite the 'round the clock' care and sheer exhaustion from handling (and juggling) the needs and wants of two babies, it really is still enjoyable to see their eyes open, recognize my face and grow still just staring back into my eyes. I cannot wait for the first real smiles and for the next phase ahead (OH, and the longer sleeping!), but for now, on the last day of the year, I am reminded of how quickly year after year passes by.

Samuel is just my joy. He is smart and funny. He is quirky and loving. He's compassionate and stubborn. Such a blend of Ben and I, and just an all around amazing little boy. Or I guess I should say BIG boy! Sometime this year...among the trials of pregnancy and the pressure of the hospital stay and the hazy newborn days, my firstborn grew up. Gone are the daily...okay more like hourly...temper tantrums. Gone is the little boy smell. Gone are the fights about clothes...and shoes...and coats...and toys....and food....and...well everything. Just gone. Somewhere along the way, as life flew by for us, my precious Sam has become not just a big brother, but a kid. I was talking to my mom right after the twins were born, lamenting the fact that Sam just argues about everything...and that no matter what you ask him to do, it is a fight, and we are constantly dealing with three-year-old fits and a whiny boy. She just smiled and said that 4 years old is SO much better. I laughed at her and said, well we are almost there and I don't see it. She reminded me that, like everything, some day I will realize there hasn't been a fit that day...and soon it will stretch out to a week...and eventually we'll realize he has grown out of the truly terrible 3's. And so it has happened. I have hugged Sam with tears in my eyes more times than I can count the past few weeks, SO proud of him for doing awesome with the babies. SO proud of him for not fighting me when I really need him to cooperate because I'm juggling too much already and I don't know how much else I can add to my plate, and just SO stinkin' proud of him for becoming the kid I knew was in there...and worked so hard to help shape for the last 3 years!!!

My husband. We are so different. HAHA. But I know if I had another "me" running around this house we may be a tad more stressed and high strung than we are now! This year Ben has stepped up and taken on so much more than I ever expected or asked him to. He really was the primary caregiver for Sam, as I was forcing myself to take it easy during pregnancy and then recovering from deliver...and then caring for newborns. No matter what I need, Ben is always there for me, with an encouraging word, long hug or most importantly, a laugh. I don't think I could have done this...no, correction...I KNOW I could NOT have done this last year without Ben. His charming smile and ability to make me laugh haven't wavered in our almost 9 years of marriage, and for that I am thankful. Yes, there are frustrating days. No, we do not always get along. But I can honestly say I think we've only had one real fight since the babies were born, which if you really lived in my house every day and saw the kind of craziness, stress, lack of sleep and just INSANE-NESS that this twin life is, is pretty good. We are ringing in this New Years different from all the rest...I will be asleep and Ben will be feeding babies. What a guy!!

This New Year marks 5 years at my job, and I can say without hesitation that I am looking forward to going back to work in three short weeks. I don't mean that I won't miss the babies...or a clean house and dinner on the table like clockwork every day. But there is something invaluable about loving your job that just cannot be matched. I love the people. I love my boss. I love the mission. I love the crazy, ever-changing and always interesting actual work that I do on a daily basis. In contemplating finances and what in the world we are going to do about paying for daycare here soon, it has crossed my mind once or twice that perhaps I should look for another job with higher pay. But every single time I have that fleeting thought, I am 100% certain I would not be happy anywhere else. OCH has a flexible, family-friendly and incredibly supportive work environment that you just don't find. I can hardly believe that five years has flown by and look forward to jumping back in, gung ho Carrie, ready for whatever is ahead at work on January 23.

My struggle with weight over the years is like any woman I think. Losing pounds post baby with Sam was horrible. I worked out like a fiend for 10 months really before seeing the scale move at all, but this time I am delighted to announce that as of this morning I have 9.6 pounds left to lose before hitting my pre-pregnancy weight. Holy cow. I can hardly believe it. I know that a lot of that is due to breastfeeding...AKA pumping. It burns a ton of calories, which is good considering that I pigged out during the holidays in the last month. But most of the weight loss I know is because I was determined to stay in shape, safely and with the blessing of my doctor. I ate better and did yoga the entire time. I'm sure another big bonus in losing the weight this time is that I have no time to breathe, much less eat or anything else. I am carving out 18 minutes every other day for a quick workout and making myself eat healthier than I ever have. It has been so successful that I told my coworker that I planned to start taking my lunch to work, like she does (so inspiring and much healthier than the hospital cafeteria)! I basically have various kinds of wraps or soup or a combination of those every single day for breakfast and lunch. Along with lots of fresh veggies and fruits. And of course, since Ben has had to go on a low cholesterol, low fat and low salt diet, our dinners have been MUCH healthier also. All in all, a great combination for dropping the weight. I'm still in pants a few sizes bigger than I want, and I know those last 10 pounds are going to linger for a LONG time, but I'm hoping that with my stubbornness and a lot of work I can hit the goal by the time I see New Years Eve 2012.

And so here we are...12 hours from the New Year. Despite the struggles and frustrations and fears and everything else, this has been one of the best years of my life. And the most shocking. I turn 30 in 5 months. I will be done having kids, back to (almost) my normal sized self and living a life I could not have even imagined 10 short years ago. The only other thing I had planned that won't be happening anymore is a birthday trip to NYC with Apes....ah well. We'll make a go of it another year. I got twins this year instead. ;)

The Escape

I can't wait. That's kind of my thought every day as I'm living like a hermit in my humble abode thinking about the next time I will be able to leave. I cannot WAIT to escape! Before you start thinking I'm a heartless mommy, I really would be even happier to leave WITH my whole family, babies included. But alas, me and the newbies are staying cozy inside hibernating while the rest of the world goes through the hustle and bustle of Christmastime.

It has been a truly strange holiday season. In some ways, it has been nice not to get too caught up in the presents and shopping and materialistic stuff. I'm inside most days...well who am I kidding...all day every day....looking at my lit tree and humming to the familiar tunes on the radio so I'm no stranger to knowing Christmas is almost upon us. I rarely see anyone else, much less have to deal with the holiday stress. Overall, it has been a welcome change. But very strange. I feel like Halloween was the start...then sleepless night after bleary day flew past...then Thanksgiving! And now, here we are, a week before Christmas and I just cannot believe it has been almost two months since my little ones made their surprise arrival! It just doesn't seem like Christmas.

I'm sure many of you think we are crazy for not taking the babies anywhere for so long. Seriously though, we are under strict instructions by both our pediatrician and a home health nurse not to take them out in public until after this fall/winter season is over. Yikes. Basically, the little guys are at serious risk for RSV due to prematurity and multiple birth. It just so happens that if they'd been born at any other time, we might not have to worry so much, but since they made their debut pretty much exactly at the worst possible "sick" time of year, we are on ultra alert to prevent this scary infection. I guess that in premature babies, RSV is the single biggest concern, the cause of rehospitalization, and in rare cases even fatalities. Preemies just don't have the lung strength that full term babies have. The twins qualify for a $1,200 a pop (no joke) treatment/medication called Synagis that helps prevent RSV. It is a series of shots they get during the risk season. The week after Christmas they will have had three doses, and we plan to start taking them to church in January and to daycare just a few short weeks after that since I have to go back to work and we have no other option...I guess that with RSV, it really isn't better to "expose" them to the germs and build up their immunity. It is very scary stuff to deal with. So we will continue to be the weird parents who are sheltering their newborns. ;)

Honestly, it wouldn't be that big of deal if we knew that everywhere we went people wouldn't bend over them, breathe on them, touch them, etc. I get that people just want to smother and kiss on babies, but for REAL. Germs, people!!??!! Yup, I am that mom. The germophobe. I know it. It's a thousand times worse this go around though. We have sanitizer in every room of the house. We ask visitors to take off their shoes when they come in, and we change Sam's clothes and wash his hands every time he comes in the door from school each day. All in all, we are just trying to do the best we can to prevent illness. Because, really, who wants two sick babies? NOT US.

So back to the escape. ;) I wish I could get out with these babies, but since I cannot, who would blame me for wanting to break free for just a bit during the week. Unfortunately, it's winter, so it has been cold and yucky. Not even good weather for a walk outside. Really am stuck. I am just not made for this. I wouldn't call myself a social butterfly by any means, and I'll stay inside on the couch under a blanket for hours reading a good book, but I think it's the idea of not being ABLE to get away that just wears on me. GOD BLESS my wonderful husband for recognizing the "crazy" in my eyes every so often and giving me the nod to get out after he's had a long day at work and hasn't had a moment to stop himself. Pretty much the only time I go is for 20 minutes on Wednesdays to take Sam to church, about 45 minutes to race to Walmart once a week for the grocery run and usually about an hour or so sometime each weekend to run an errand. All alone, but still, it's good. A breather. I can't be gone too long because I have to pump and just like any other breastfeeding mama, I gotta get back because I feel like I'm going to explode any minute. ;) But the chance to drive away, resting easy because the babies are being loved and cared for and getting that small break, has really helped my sanity.

And even better, when I'm gone to pick up my paycheck every other Friday from work, or any other time I walk in the door after my brief escape, I simply cannot wait to pick up my kiddos and kiss them, hug them, squeeze them and cuddle (after changing my clothes and washing my hands of course). :)

I know I've mentioned this in previous posts, but I've turned into the maid and super-wifey who has dinner on the table when hubs comes in the door....so my days seem to run together in an endless round of babies, housework, more babies, more housework...and then more stuff around the house, in the house...never away from the house!!!!!! HAHA. I was updating the calendar we keep on our fridge and realized that I only have 5 weeks left staying home. I'm more than halfway done with my maternity leave. And I know that before I can blink, my babies will be three months old, I'll be donning the suits and heels once more instead of spit-up covered yoga pants and tank tops, and I doubt I'll be as thrilled with escaping my house then...happy to be back among the adult world, but missing the warm little bodies snuggling on me too.

Perhaps the hardest part for me with being stuck at home by myself with the babies for now has been missing church. Sounds silly, I know, but I really enjoy Sunday morning Bible study, worship and the sermon. My faith is important to me, and going to church each week gives me perspective and just a boost like nothing else. I wave 'bye' with envy every week as Sam and Ben head off to Calvary. I know that there are some people who say they do 'church' at home and don't need to go to a building, but there is NOTHING else quite like the fellowship and love you feel being welcomed by your church family....and no radio or TV evangelist or even your own devotions at home are as real as your pastor giving a message that touches your heart because it is exactly what you needed to hear in just the right way to feed your soul that week. I miss it so much!!!! Ah well....soon enough, our whole family will once again be able to venture out together, but for now, I will savor what time I can escape....especially on days like today...when I was able to go to the afternoon performance of Voices of Christmas at church. I was touched and inspired by the top notch production and FINALLY I feel like I'm in the Christmas spirit. What a great way to start the week. Renewed, refreshed and restored. Looking forward to celebrating the reason for the season and sharing a lifetime with my precious new family. Cheers!

The War

Most days at some point I look down at my beautiful baby boys and have a serious reality check. I am the mom of twins. TWINS. How did this happen? It is just so crazy, really. I cannot believe that we made it past their original due date (December 6) and that the twins are six weeks old. They are growing like crazy and doing so well. I am beyond thrilled and generally pretty positive, honestly! However, the day to day does wear on me. I do feel like the theme of our house the past few weeks has been like a battlefield. Yes, that's right. War. Emotionally, physically, mentally. It's a minefield in here!

The single biggest battle we fight every day....every three-ish hours...is burping. No joke. Tried every possible method, and no go. We get SO frustrated. Not to mention the babies get SO uncomfortable...and then refuse to eat anymore (which means they are fussy and won't sleep or if they do sleep wake up early because they didn't eat enough!). We've gotten to where some feedings take more than hour just because they refuse to burp. And then everytime we think we've figured out the "magic" touch to get them each to burp it stops working and we're back to square one. Boo. This stinks. I seriously despise burping babies now. And you can't be mad at the babies...the poor guys are just wailing with gas pain, begging us to help them burp, and we fail. Miserably!!!!!

Another battle? Breastfeeding. Or should I say Bottle Feeding with Breast Milk. Ugh again. Yup, I got clearance from the pediatrician a few weeks ago to start nursing, but the twins will not latch on and nurse for any length of time anymore. Should have known - they got bottles (easy!) for a month straight. It was good for their growth (and required by the NICU and then the doctor) so I'm not upset about it, but this does mean that I have to continue the pumping craziness. Generally I like to pump while I'm feeding the babies simply to be efficient. Unfortunately, all the moving around while trying to feed and burp and pump didn't go so well, and my body protested and I ended up with soreness and cracking (TMI sorry!!) and just ... PAIN. So now I am feeding them and then when they go down for a nap each time after they eat, I'm pumping...for 30 minutes. Then repeating the cycle an hour later. Doesn't leave me that much time for anything else. Between a shower, eating meals and picking up the house (laundry/dishes/etc) it is 4pm before I can blink. Yikes. I've been trying to combine activities....(I'm laughing at myself because I just contemplated making cookies while pumping and decided to sit down with the laptop instead!)....so I can work a bit or fold laundry while I pump. All in all, it's not that big of deal, but it does seem like a battle. I really wish I was one of those people that the whole breastfeeding thing was easy and smooth and truly enjoyable. Not so much. :( I'm still keeping it up for now. Please pray for my attitude!! I am a slave to this pump. To top it all off, I'm no longer producing enough milk by pumping to keep up with the growing boys. I have enough for 12 bottles a day out of 16. So for two feedings the babies get just formula. No choice!!!! (Sigh!)

Don't even get me started on the battle with money. Getting very nervous about going back to work and attempting to afford childcare. I have six weeks left, and I cannot even really talk about it without getting depressed. Oh, and to top it off - we got a letter sent home this week and Sam's school costs are going up. Lovely. We are in this weird divide of making too much to qualify for any subsidy at our daycare and then making too little to actually be able to afford it! So what do we do? One of us not working anymore isn't an option - and when you calculate it out it really won't put us in a better spot. So what's the answer? Who knows. Praying hard and trusting that God's "blessing" will provide. At the same time, though, planning for extra income so we can still eat and have a roof over our heads. Ben is looking into possibly an additional part time job, and I'm going to start doing some more work from home now...in my spare time, right? HAHAHA. :) I. Hate. Money. I really do.

At the same time I cannot believe the twins are six weeks old, I cannot believe that I've stayed home with them all day every day now for over a month. It is such a new experience being a stay at home mom (albeit temporarily). I wish I was one who could let the house go, camp out on the couch snuggling my baby all day and watch all the movies and TVs I've been saving on the DVR. Alas, not my life (the holding the baby all day thing is kind of impossible when you have two little ones to care for...). I have realized how nice it is to actually go to work and leave the house messy!!!! For real! Normally, I can go to work, not look at the laundry needing to be folded or the floors needing to be vacuumed. Seriously. But now, I'm here. I'm living in it every day, and I just cannot be here in the house all the time, unable to leave because of the twins and stumbling over laundry baskets and such. So...I have assumed the role of maid. This is new for me. Since I have always worked full time, Ben and I have largely shared household duties. Sure, Ben and April still help with dishes and take out the trash, but for the most part, the entire rest of the housework, picking stuff up and maintaining things is solely on my shoulders now. I have a profound respect and appreciation now for all the Stay at Home Moms who have to care for the kiddos AND attempt to clean the house regularly....and if they don't have time they still have to be IN the house while it isn't picked up. Would drive me crazy!!!

One of the more lighthearted battles I'm fighting is the weight, of course. What new mom doesn't? Since I hit the 6 week post c-section mark, I started my workouts again. My awesome Moms Into Fitness DVD series I used throughout the pregnancy has a Postnatal Boot Camp. And wow. It is intense. I just started this week and my whole body feels it. Lots of pain, but in that good "I worked my muscles really hard and feel things toning" kind of way. Hope it pays off!!! I have lost 25 pounds and have just under 13 left to lose before starting this workout. I didn't gain a ton of extra weight everywhere else, but my baby belly is still a bit bigger than 6 weeks postpartum with Sam. Probably because it was HUGE with twins!!! So still need to work on my fitness. ;) Not a bad war. And it makes the sleepless nights a little easier. Working out helps me fall asleep better at the end of the day and gives me enough energy to make it through when I'm running on 4 hours of "sleep."

SIGH.

HAHA - so after reading the above you get a good glimpse into the "not-so-happy-go-lucky and always positive" Carrie. I guess that's what happens with lack of sleep and a perpetual cycle of baby, baby and more baby feeding, burping (or not), changing, etc. I'm not totally lost though. ;) And I really am NOT complaining. I hope you take this fun ranting above as a tired mommy explaining the crazy frustrations of new parenthood....in reality I am still having fun. Still enjoying the growing alertness of the twins. Still loving holding them close and smelling that perfect new baby smell...still loving rocking them and hearing their breathing slow down and their bodies relax as they are content and happy. Every time I start to feel the war a bit too much, I force myself to remember how quickly this phase passes by. How this is the last time my babies will be babies...and the last time I will ever have babies (PLEASE GOD). :) Even more than this, when I'm up in the middle of the night feeding them and so tired I can barely hold my head up, I think about my friends who cannot have children. And how much they would give anything to be up all night with a newborn. (Tears!!!) And I am SO incredibly thankful for every single moment with Toby & Gabe. It's just that simple.