The Unknown

Sam's 5th Birthday Party!

Five years ago this very night I was settling down after a long day, feeling uncomfortable and fat and tired.  I remember what I was wearing.  I remember most every detail of what we did that day.  I remember the feeling of the "impending unknown." And I vividly remember being awakened at 2:30am with regular, intense contractions that would not cease.  I washed the dishes (distraction!), took a shower, painted my toes (seriously), gathered my bags, awoke the husband (yes, he was still sound asleep despite my several hour prowl around the house doubling over in pain) and we headed to the hospital. 

Sounds simple.  But those who have walked this road before know that the drive to the hospital is quite possibly the most monumental journey you'll take.  I don't think you always realize it, as most people spend their trip calling loved ones, but it really is the drive that changes everything.

Five years ago I became Mommy.  Not "a" mommy.  But Mommy.  A new name.  A new life.  A new person, really. 

I was so tired and overwhelmed.  In so much pain from my c-section recovery and desperately struggling to make the breastfeeding thing work.  I was utterly exhausted (well at least I thought it was the most tired I would ever be in my life...if only I had known the twins were coming a few years later to teach me what real exhaustion felt like). 

My first few days and even weeks of being Mommy honestly weren't the greatest.  I cried and wondered how in the world I could ever do this.  How could I love and care for this little life in a way that would truly matter?  How would my great marriage fare in this new territory?

I made mistakes as Mommy.  About a month into this life I packed the diaper bag, loaded up the car for a quick errand run and backed out of the driveway.  Made it almost to the stop sign on our street and in sheer horror realize that I DIDN'T HAVE THE CHILD!?!  Not 30 seconds later, my heart pounding, I shoved open the door and saw the sweet baby sleeping contently in his car seat just waiting for our exciting trip. Not my proudest moment.

But my early Mommy days also came with growth.  The knowledge and confidence that I could, in fact, survive this challenge and perhaps even thrive.  Sometimes in small ways like successful naptimes or getting to pee in peace.  But often in bigger ways.  Days that I looked at my tired, but growing family and realized that I was happier with my new life. My marriage was actually better.  I laughed more.  I saw things through new eyes.

For many, the prospect of having kids (or heck, let's just be honest here, the actual reality of having the child living and breathing in your arms already) brings panic and fear.

Seems like lately it surrounds me. I listen to the all the perspectives: aversion, apprehension, contemplation...so much negativity about kids.  So much negativity about how kids are somehow stopping us from being satisfied in life.  Anger and resentment that kids make us stop living.  I'm so tired of it. 

In these conversations I have this overwhelming urge to explain what it is like to be Mommy.  I mean the good stuff!  The problem is, there are no words.  No words to adequately express how your heart feels to create a life and have it look you in the eye.  No words to sum up what mush you turn into when that life you made smiles a toothless grin or the pride you feel when your child says something witty or charming.  No words for someone who hasn't lived it.

Are there rough times?  Tons.  Are there frustrating moments....days....months, even?  Yes, I do not want to relive the horrendous three's (oh, wait, I will....).  Do kids make things hard for your marriage and friendships and just your LIFE sometimes?  Yes.

So why do it?  Really.  Why? 

I know why.  Because five years ago the impending unknown was worth it.  My marriage is better.  My life is sweeter.  My heart is happier.  No arguing with that.