The Positivity

After much stress and worry about today for a multitude of reasons, I have been overwhelmingly cheery. Picture me singing, "Singin' in the rain" or "Walking on Sunshine" and that about describes my mood...minus the dancing at this point in my pregnancy. (Some of you may be laughing thinking you don't know a time I wasn't cheery like this...or maybe you are laughing thinking of me clicking my heels and dancing around streetlights...oh yes, I have done it!!)

I was seriously stressing about Sam's first day of preschool, and my worry was unfounded apparently. He did GREAT! Walked in, played and barely a backwards glance as I left. When I came to pick him up he had a huge smile on his face and has been talking about school ever since, now 4 hours later. All the reports were great - he took a nap, ate, played outside and even made some friends. What more can we ask for!!???!!! I am so blessed to have such a happy kid and just cannot wait for two more beautiful kids to call my own (I know you may be laughing considering my very opposite post from yesterday.....thus is parenthood I suppose).

Another great bit of news at school this morning: they may have 2 part time spots open for the twins after the first of the year. For sure, we are "in" full time, but I'd really like to start the twins part time at least for a while both for money, health and other reasons. And it may actually be possible!!! Part time is trickier because they have to find two other kids to take the opposite part time shifts to make it work.

Then at my 25 week appointment and ultrasound today I got simply fantastic news about my pregnancy. I am gaining the right amount of weight, not swelling at all, doing excellent. Blood pressure was 130/66 and then 110/60. And these two precious babies are just perfect! Zero evidence of scary twin-to-twin transfusion. Growing at the same rate, same amount of fluid for each and overall just awesome. My favorite words to hear today were, "Your babies just could not be doing better" and then, "Keep up the great work." To which I replied....I don't really know what I am doing to help, but I will keep doing whatever it is!! THANK GOD that things continue to go well. :)

Let me interject here briefly for those wondering about the "ask." I did sneak in a request for a tubal (getting my tubes tied) since I do not want any additional kiddos after this blessing. :) I was told that St. John's as a Catholic hospital has recently barred all elective tubals and they are no longer allowed to do them after delivery. My doctor did sympathize and said it is literally a 5 minute surgery after a c-section with NO more recovery so he doesn't understand why they still cannot do it. But alas, I'll have to pass. I am not planning on being cut open in any way voluntarily again after these babies arrive. So you know what that means!!??!!! HAHA. Ben's first response after I texted him the info, "In reality it is probably better for you but now I have to get neutered!" OMG. I laughed out loud at the doctor's office. Too bad I'm still hesitant about the vasectomy reliance, considering Ben's brother & his wife got pregnant 6 years after their "last" child and the procedure.

Whew. Anyway, gotta say, this entire day was just one of those really positive, really great days. Great attitude, happy kid, sunny and breezy weather. Don't know why, just particularly great. :)

I had a funny conversation Friday with some coworkers who were asking me how in the world I stay so positive. I was reminded of it today as I spent most of the afternoon with a perma-smile on my face. In reality, it is a choice. I know there are crazy, scary, sad, terrible, heartbreaking and frustrating things in the world. Some have happened to me. Some haven't. But through every circumstance I believe in looking at it from the perspective of God, life and reality. Sure, things may be awfully rough, but there are still so many blessings in our lives we forget so quickly when the hard times come. Choosing to remain positive is a challenge I encounter every day. But sometimes it is that choice alone that gets you through the valley to the other side. I have a strong faith and a wonderful support system that help me be myself. No, it's not fake. This positivity really is "me." Yes, I do struggle, but YES, I really am this cheery. Especially today. When the news is good and the blessings are abundantly clear.

The Oldest

Oh Sam. I was planning to wait until tomorrow after my doctor's appointment and ultrasound to write another post. I'm sure I will write one this week regardless, but I really just couldn't resist. Samuel, my three year old, is in rare form today, and I don't mean that in a good way. Just need to vent!

I am sitting in my comfy upstairs chair in our quiet house while Sam is in his room screaming at me about how he doesn't want what we are having for dinner. This fight started at breakfast and has lasted through lunch and apparently now into dinner. I am beyond frustrated and we are in a holdout/stubborn face off now. I am NOT budging. If he wants dinner he needs to come out of his room, apologize and eat what is on the table. (Yes I know he is three and I have high expectations but Sam is very smart and completely capable of understanding this AND he likes what we are having!!!) He, however, is still trying (45 minutes later!) to "convince" me with screams that he doesn't want what is on his plate. I could understand perhaps if we had crazy out of the ordinary meals today but NO. Every single thing on the menu has been something he likes...he's just being stubborn and...well...3 years old! So here we are. Me with my laptop waiting for him to come out. And him in his room yelling about the food on his plate. Sheesh.

There are a lot of things going on in our lives right now, despite my best efforts to keep things as normal and consistent as possible. I know that this is partly to blame.

He starts preschool tomorrow at a new place, and he has already told us he is worried about not having friends to play with. All of sudden he has become extremely clingy to ME (which for those of you who know my family well can attest is very odd. Sam is a DADDY's boy in every way). But regardless, the last few weeks we have had major meltdowns when I drop him off in Sunday School at Church. We're talking hysterical shrieking, having to be pried away from my leg, etc. Yikes. I know it is because I am less and less available to him. The most I can participate in "fun" things is reading him a book or working on letters/art/etc. I physically just cannot pick him or really even have him sit on my lap. Sigh. The poor guy is going through mommy withdrawals and our whole family dynamic is up in the air with preparations for the babies.

Despite all of this, I am a firm believer in raising your kids to teach them, not raising them to get what they want when they whine (even if the reason they are whining may in fact be in some way connected to life's circumstances or something they are having a hard time dealing with...that's LIFE!). So here I sit. My child is so incredibly stubborn. And so am I.

Yes, yes, I know. The real fun is only about to begin. I know he is going to regress a bit when the babies get here. I know he is going to be difficult and even more stubborn and I'm going to have to have WAY more patience and compassion. I really am not an insensitive person, but I do believe in lessons with my kid...or soon to be kids. Every few months Sam gets in this "challenge" mode and if you don't stand firm he is an absolute brat. We know it. We were due for a freak out soon anyway, so here we are. Maybe this is just good preparation for me. I can only imagine the challenges and attention-seeking behavior we will endure from my truly gifted and special firstborn.

God please help me when there are two more of these little boys. :) My only hope is that by the time the twins are three years old Samuel will be out of this stage....

And yes, this reaffirms my commitment to asking the doctor tomorrow about getting my tubes tied after my c-section. Ha!

****Breaking news. As I was posting this, Sam came out of his room, apologized and then sat down and ate his dinner....including vegetables. Apparently I am not a complete failure as a parent!!!! ;) Now we are going to make cookies together and finish our evening on a good note. Finally.

The Weight

Weight gain. Blah. What normal twenty-something (or thirty-something...or ANY female for that matter) doesn't stress a bit about their weight?

One of the things I have been focused more intently this pregnancy is my weight gain. Both the good and the bad, really. It has been a somewhat frustrating battle, as many times I have really wanted to eat the worst possible foods. However, even when I was having a hard time gaining at the beginning, eating empty calories did no good! I was hungry 15 minutes later. :( And I really don't want to just eat whatever I want and gain 70 pounds because I KNOW I will have to lose it again. (Drawback of going through pregnancy once and getting huge everywhere and then taking 18 months of crazy daily workouts to lose it all).

The general rule for a twin pregnancy is a healthy gain of 35-50 pounds, depending on your weight pre-pregnancy. I can tell every day whether I have eaten enough. The true factor is the hunger. I either am satisfied and generally full or completely famished! The days I do best are when I have good snacks like fruit, yogurt, cheese & crackers and cereal to munch on about every 2 hours through the day. I'm downing milk by the gallons every week (yes, April, thanks for contributing to my milk obsession by keeping our fridge stocked with yummy skim). All in all, I am making sure I get my nearly 3,000 calories a day but in a sensible and pregnant-healthy way.

Of course I lose the occasional battle of will in the hospital cafeteria.....thank you rice krispy treats or homemade scones. And, yes, I do enjoy some cookies here and there. It has been harder with the extreme heat lately to resist when Ben suggests a quick ice cream run after dinner. For the most part though, I would rather have my sweets in the form of fruit and know it will actually fill me up for longer. At some point I just get tired of EATING itself. Takes the fun right out of it!

So, I am happy to report that I am maintaining a healthy weight gain this pregnancy so far. Slow to start but I caught up quickly after 14 weeks when I started feeling better. At 24 weeks I have gained right at 20 pounds. The ranges I've read suggest 19-22 pounds in the second trimester, so I'm right on target with that.

I have to say with mixed feelings that I have officially reached 150 pounds. It's good, really. The doctors are very happy! But sheesh. That's a milestone no one REALLY wants to hit. The Wii Fit cracks me up. In the mornings when I do my yoga it reminds me that I am officially obese and a healthy weight for me should be 109 pounds. Okay, seriously? I am a 29 year old "munchkin" height Italian-heritage curvy lady here. I will not ever be under 110 pounds again in my life, I bet! I will admit to starting this pregnancy at 130 (3 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with Sam and roughly 15 pounds more than my wedding day eight years prior). Still, the doctor was happy with my weight at the beginning and generally, I'm a pretty healthy non-pregnant person. The non-pregnant me works out high intensity 5 days a week and has a love of sweets that I routinely and aggressively DENY, albiet sadly.

So pregnant Carrie before knowing the twins news started out with the intentions of gaining as little as possible. This included regular exercise and a firm commitment to only eating very healthy. Well...then surprise! Twins! Drastically reduced my exercise intensity plan and the weight gain ended up being more important and less of an avoidance. Sigh. Of course. So now here I am 24 weeks along and trying to be excited about gaining 20 pounds. I know it is good. I am not in ANY way limiting my calories or trying NOT to eat. I am consuming a lot, I mean a LOT, of food every day. I am, however, trying to make the most healthy choices I can so my weight gain is the right kind of weight and the best nutrients for these growing babies....with of course a splurge now and then.

The truly amazing thing to me is that I haven't really gained "bad" weight, despite the 20 pounds. Sure, a little here or there extra, but NOTHING like my pregnancy with Sam. THANKFULLY. Who knows what will happen in the next 11 weeks and 6 days :) but at least for now I'm healthy first and not too much of a fatty second.

Of course....that doesn't change the growing belly!!!! Yes, this is my belly and the steering wheel after work today. Ummmm....I can only move the seat back so far people!!! And this is ALL baby....or babIES I suppose.

The Reality

It is always funny to me the things that bring reality home so quickly. I feel like my life is this constant state of "surreal," where I know I'm having twins but it still borders on reality in the day-to-day.

The past few days have been a perfect picture of this. I swear I am nesting...23 weeks is a little early but it is true. I am in full-fledged "gotta get this done" mode. (Again, no worries everyone. I am completely listening to my body and taking it VERY easy). We succeeded in putting up both cribs this weekend. Thank you to my trooper husband who really didn't want to tackle the second but sacrificed his beloved Sunday afternoon freedom (and nap!) to assemble Toby's crib after Gabe's was looking lonely since Saturday's assembly. ;)

We also found the absolute perfect paint shades of teal (Pitter Patter is the color name!) and brick red. From there we found curtains and sheets (to make crib sheets out of) in the brick red. Things really came together after we organized the baby room closet and got stuff put away. We shut the door to the closet and Ben walked out of the room. Sam was napping, and I sat in the babies room in the glider rocker by myself and just took a second. This is REAL. We are seriously having two babies. There are literally two cribs set up in the nursery. Even before when the cribs were still in boxes it wasn't this real. No going back now!!!! ;)

I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon, and I have only good news to report! Both babies are doing fantastic. Fluid is measuring even and in range. Baby A is 1lb 2oz and Baby B is 1lb 4oz. They are getting big and growing at the same rate and range, all good news. Strong heartbeats and moving around like crazy in there. Baby B has flipped so he is now head up (yes, thank you baby for repeatedly kicking me in the bladder and pelvis the last few days). Baby A is still head down like before. As far as me, my blood pressure was 122/80 (yay!). The specialist was skeptical of my claim that I wasn't swelling so he did a quick pressure check on my ankles and arms and again remarked how well I was doing! Just the best news. Basically things could not be going better!!!!!

Even still at this appointment, to be honest, I kept thinking while I was waiting, "Are they still alive? Will I see two heartbeats? Is everything still okay?" Worrywart me took over. And then, there they are, healthy as can be, hearts pumping away...and I breathed a little sigh of relief.....okay a BIG sigh of relief. I don't want to think the worst, but still every day that goes by I think, "Is this really happening?" "Are both babies going to make it?" Then I have a great appointment like today and realize I am SO SO close to being at a real viability point with these twins. According to what I've read about twins, the major milestones are 24 weeks for viability (only 1/3 survive without long term problems so this is still very scary), 28 weeks for 90% viability (possible long term health issues), and then 32-34 weeks with NICU time to grow but little health risks. Whew. Seriously? That 32 week mark is LESS THAN 10 weeks away!!!! I actually scheduled the rest of my ultrasound appointments until week 31 today. Now, THAT made me really stop and realize how close we are. So crazy that we are literally WEEKS away from these miracles.

I also remembered this weekend what the c-section recovery was like. UGH. Wish I hadn't remembered! I remembered having to cough and breath into the contraption after surgery and OH the pain!!!!! I was commiserating with April and she gave me some good tips for recovery and things to ask for in the hospital...thank you my personal PT Dr. DeLaquil. ;) Even still, definitely not looking forward to surgery! REALITY...it is sooner than I think.

You would think that with my expanding belly and a variety of other "you are getting very huge" pregnancy effects I would not have any problem imagining myself with these babies. Not true though. Who really thinks of themselves with two babies!??!

All in all, I am just so very thankful that things continue to go smoothly. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, certainly. I consider every day the real possibilities of the road we have ahead and what can come up. But I continue to give the credit to God, for bringing these babies along day by day. What a blessing this has been and a constant reminder of how much we are not in control. And THAT is reality.

The Room

I know, I promised...something lighthearted and fun!

I actually started writing a post called "The Heat" describing the record temps and how in the world pregnant women everywhere are managing....but then I decided that I owe everyone (who may in fact be reading this blog and getting tired of the non-filtered Carrie) something nicer! ;)

So....babies! colors! room decor! Before we knew the genders of these babies, we had briefly discussed potential decor colors. For girls we thought teal and pink and for boys I wanted gray and brick red or gray and orange. Ben protested the gray but we had some options regardless. Then about a week before we found out they were identical boys, I saw a ThirtyOne catalog by happenstance and while flipping through the pages I noticed a great color scheme. Immediately I took a picture, sent to Ben and pleaded with him not to dismiss it straightaway....

Let me interject here: I am a very opinionated person! Understatement. On the flip side, I am very fortunate to have the most easy-going husband. He pretty much doesn't care what decisions I make, even as they affect our day-to-day lives. He truly is happy to just not have to worry about things and know they are taken care of. Now, when he has an opinion, he certainly shares, but for the most part, he is content to let me take the "reigns" so to speak. Many people give him grief about this as being "whipped" or a pushover. In reality, Ben and I talk through every decision that is made in our lives as a team and we do communicate well, but the truth is most of the time, he really just doesn't care that much sometimes either way. Thus, I make a lot of general decisions in our life by default. We have the "touch base" conversation every so often just so I check and make sure I'm not being too overbearing or if he feels like I am controlling or something (which by the way, HONESTLY he never is and just tells me I shouldn't worry about what other people think about our lives. And he reiterates that he really just doesn't care and is happy to let me make a lot of decisions).

That said, there is one particular area of our lives that always brings out the VERY decisive and firm Ben. That would be decor and design. Since the first morning after our honeymoon eight years ago when he woke up to me gleefully unpacking and decorating our bathroom, Ben has always been the "last say" when it comes to how things look in our home. He really cares about it and makes that clear. :) This hasn't changed. From furniture purchases to curtain colors to every single wall hanging or decor in our home, I literally cannot buy a single thing without running it by him....or risk returning it. Somewhat frustrating, yes. But in reality, this is one of the ONLY thing he has a significant determining opinion about, so why argue!!??!! Plus, might I add, I love his taste in decor and he is notoriously good at putting together a concept and making it happen.

So it is only natural when preparing to decorate a baby(ies) room that I mentally prepare myself for the Ben factor. No matter what I choose or suggest, Ben has a response and there is NO arguing with it or convincing him otherwise. Back to the design concept for the baby room I found....it was one of those color schemes that I just knew was "right." I held my breath and waited for his response...and it was....POSITIVE! He actually really liked it, especially the idea of incorporating circles in the pattern. A resounding success!

Thus began the journey of ordering two small bags in this pattern to match colors, figure out what walls to paint what and determining what else we really needed in the room for budget purposes. And now here we are....

Despite a riveting Shark Week on TV, Ben tolerated my badgering and sat down with me this week and made "the baby room decor plan." Yes, yes, I know there are just too many lists and plans in my life. I cannot help it!!!! It is how I keep things straight and don't get stressed or overwhelmed.

In case you are curious, the colors are brick red, teal, chocolate brown and tan. The two crib walls are going to be teal, the closet wall chocolate brown and the curtain wall a Ben-creation of cream base with large circles in all the featured colors. Complete with brick red crib sheets, brick red curtains and a teal lamp. Sweet! Anyone else excited that I finally get a room in my house with TEAL!!??!! Don't worry, this is much more masculine.....I promise.

The Rumor

I am gleefully writing this post to squash the latest rumor circulating about me...I really do feel bad because I'm not sure how this all got started or where it came from, but it is just too funny to me. Apparently, I am on bedrest. Didn't you know? Truth or fiction, you ask? Pure fiction. Everyone, announcement to make here, straight from my mouth: I am FINE!!!!!!!!!!!

Since I'm sure you are intrigued let me fill you in.

I was minding my own business (well as much as usual I suppose) and I got a text from someone telling me there was a rumor at my church that I had to be put on bedrest. Of course when asked no one gives an actual PERSON they heard this from. And not a single one of those people has called to check and find out if I am indeed on bedrest. Just circulating information bound to spread, and I have no idea where it came from. Perhaps it is because I've been gone the last few weeks from services due to a sick kid, going to STL to buy our van and then a quick family vacation this last weekend. Maybe people think I am on bedrest because they have all predicted I wouldn't make it through the summer without being on bedrest so it MUST be the case. Or maybe it is my own fault for posting last week about "The Slowdown" and referencing the words "bedrest" (Oh, the horror!) but in NO way implying I was actually going on it....just in general talking about taking care of myself and giving in to the gradual slow down that my body was making me do.

To all concerned, please take note: I really am FINE! Better than fine, if I may say. The doctors are beyond pleased with how things are going. I am very healthy, not swelling at all, babies doing great, active as I can and should be but not too much, and just about the best possible scenario at this point in my twin pregnancy. No bedrest for me right now, thank you very much.

Now, this conversation inevitably leads to the discussion and opinion of most about how I am doing too much. I don't know how to answer this question. If you knew my crazy stressful "normal" life and then saw a picture of me now in sweats with my feet propped up for hours every night you really wouldn't think that. Pretty much all I do in a given day is make it through work happy and moderately peppy, come home tired (which I am even on non-work days just because it is exhausting sometimes to be cooking two babies) and spend a small amount of time interacting with my family before propping my feet up for the remainder of the evening. I am taking it easy more than I ever have in my entire life. LAZY BUM Carrie, for real! Just ask Ben. HA!

Yes, I am still working. I have to work. It is my sanity and my professional life. It is a main source of income for our household. It is not an option for me NOT to work. IF (and this is NOT the case, just hypothetical) I had to go on bedrest at some point, I have already arranged with my work to have projects to work on remotely. So I'm not going to stop working as long as I have access to a laptop and I'm lucid. That's just reality for me and frankly, I am just plain tired of getting grief about it. (No offense to anyone who has the opinion that I should just stop everything but that is not realistic nor would it do my body any good, honestly). These babies are healthier because I am a healthy and active person. Truth!

Whew. Sorry if you are reading this and something I said or did or implied made you think I was not doing well. Totally not my intent. I really am FINE! See here - happy healthy me last week at 21 weeks (with ankles and ready for the work day)! I'm at 22 weeks tomorrow and the race is on. Three more months to go. :)

(Disclaimer: I really do LOVE all my family, friends and even those who are concerned about me enough to talk about me or express their concern with others when they hear something "somewhere" about me being on bedrest or having some other issue. I know this is one of those things that people cannot help themselves from talking about. I really do appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming. And I will try to do a better job of reassuring everyone that I am doing well and there's no cause for concern at this point...and I promise the next post will be a fun and filtered recount of the baby room decor or something equally exciting.)