How do I give 100% as a mother, 100% as a wife, 100% as a boss, 100% as an employee...?
There's simply not enough of me to go around.
Who do I choose to disappoint today? How do I keep it all together and not let someone down?
I don't have the answers.
I don't know about you, but it seems like the craziness of my days or weeks come in waves. There's never just one kid sick. Or one issue to tackle. Never. It's one kid puking, then the other waking up in the middle of the night hit by the bug a day later just when you think you've escaped. Then the husband goes down with the pukes. And the house is scheduled to be sprayed for bugs. And you committed to bringing food to a function. And don't forget about the late work meeting and forgetting to pick up snacks for your kids soccer game. All within a few days. (Notice I didn't mention sacrificing sleep to tackle triple the volume of laundry because you changed sheets so many times you can't count after late night vomiting parties...thought I'd spare you childless readers from the joys of mommy-dom).
And you pray. Pray hard. That you don't succumb to the illness circling the house, because when mom goes down it isn't pretty.
I love my life.
I do, really. But to be honest I don't love those weeks. I feel like a failure. Because as much as I can try to convince myself that just surviving is worth it, I am letting someone down. I'm not spending time with my kids because I have to sleep and eat and clean the house with Clorox wipes to prevent another round of the puking and get ready for work the next day. And I let my husband down because I tend to not be the nicest person to be around when I'm extraordinarily stressed and I can't always make it home when dinner goes on the table because I've had to stay late at work to make up for time off caring for sickies. And I let my work down because I'm distracted and exhausted and even if it is barely detectable, I know that I am slightly off my game.
In theory when my kids are healthy and our schedule is light, life is good. Life is calm. And the world is at peace. In theory, only.
In reality I've found in my 5 years of motherhood that the craziness tends to creep in no matter what you have on the calendar. And I inevitably find myself walking that tightrope, trying to balance everything. Failing miserably on most days. Feeling guilty about everyone and everything I've let drop because I can barely keep my eyes open, much less keep on keeping on.
And so it goes.
I've been writing a book. I started the process nearly a year ago and have been struggling with the final chapter. This week I realized that I need to rethink my intent. My original goal was to pen a practical "how to" for moms-to-be or mothers of young ones, with tips to survive the uncertainty and ways to enjoy the journey. But the last week has changed my perspective a bit.
I think instead my contribution to the written word could be (should be?) a confession from real moms on how it really is. How do we balance this mom thing with life? It seems to be the elusive question moms everywhere around me have....and no one seems to be able to answer.
There are some who would tell me that there is an easier way to avoid the struggle of balancing family and work: Stay home with my kids.
Besides the fact that we do, in fact, have a family where one parent stays home (it's just not me), I really have to protest that suggestion on principle. I have many friends who are home with their kids full time, and I'm sorry, but they have just as much craziness to juggle and just as much "work" to balance. No, they don't have to feel guilty about jumping up during an important meeting to run a child to the doctor, but on the flipside, their job never ends. Never. Ends. That's some pressure.
My sister-in-law recently shared that she had outlined her daily schedule. It added up to 23.6 hours worth of To Do's each day. I loved her text after this admission: "Deep breath, prayer, try again." Isn't this what we feel like as moms? Every single day: Deep breath, prayer, try again.
Most days I hit about 20% completion on my daily list. We're talking the normal things, the scheduled things and then my master list that includes dusting the blinds, cleaning out my junk drawer, organizing my receipts and touching up paint where my kids have thrown toys and chipped away my formerly immaculate walls. These things never get crossed off.
Many years ago, before boyfriends and college and husbands and babies, I did a simple Bible study with a group of friends about Proverbs 31. The picture in this passage is of a woman who possesses true beauty and success in God's eyes. I have the book we went through still in my collection and although I've only read it once, the principles have stuck with me since before I could have dreamed of the life I now have. I read Proverbs 31 last night and was encouraged once again. Some people read these verses with resentment and frustration. Not me. What I see in this is reassurance. This gal is the ultimate woman. She is resourceful and lives with integrity. She is a manufacturer, importer, manager, realtor, farmer, seamstress, upholsterer and merchant. Her kids are well behaved and she is buff. She works dang hard. She is beautiful both inside and out.
Could it be that God has designed us to be superwoman?
My very favorite part of this entire portrait is verse 25: "She is clothed with strength and dignity and can laugh at the days to come."
Who doesn't need that word of truth and encouragement today? I'm pretty sure this means that we aren't meant to be so stressed and overwhelmed by balancing everything that we can't enjoy this life we've been blessed with. As moms, we've got to just cut ourselves some slack! We will not always be the rock star employee. We will not always win mom of the year. But our kids still love us and somehow our jobs are forgiving (and amazingly flexible, thank you OCH). And our husbands appreciate when we stop being so stressed and give them some positive attention once in a while...(yes, I really did just say that).
In the midst of my crippling failure to keep all the balls in the air, I need to remember that I was designed with purpose. I love my job and my kids. I love my husband and all the crazy extracurricular activities we find ourselves involved in as a family despite our efforts to "cut back" on overextending. Life is good. God is good.
And I learn somehow to give 100% where it's needed. And I learn to leave my list sitting on the counter and take a walk with my family on a nice fall evening after a difficult week.
No, I'm not ever going to be the perfect picture of the Proverbs 31 woman. But I can work hard. And I can have strength and dignity, with a twinkle in my eye and a smile in my heart.
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