There are moments in my life I look back on with such clarity it seems like it happened just minutes prior. Whether it has been stress, or stress....or stress...I have remembered many of those moments lately. The moment Ben told me he loved me and wanted to marry me, completely and utterly out of the blue. A rainy day in Mexico where we played cards for hours and just talked, with the huge windows open and the ocean breeze blowing in a fine misty spray. The worst snowstorm we endured in Michigan where Ben's beard was frozen from the thundersnow and we both spent 5 hours clearing the church parking lot only to have it coming down faster than we could keep up. The moment I looked down and saw the word, "Pregnant" for the very first time. And then, of course, the second time years later when the pink lines took my breath away....not even a remote thought in my head at that point that I would be bringing two bundles of joy into the world that next October. Many memories in my life with Ben have been delightful. :) Some not so much, of course, but that is marriage!I reference my husband occasionally here but I've been feeling particularly thankful for him lately and find it appropriate now to explain why.
Ben and I have a relationship dynamic that can only be described as unique. We have always been friends first. Many people say that, but for us it is 100% true. We were friends. Close friends. For several years. Not a single word was spoken about anything romantic between us until the day Ben took a risk, shared his heart (basically meaning he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me!), and waited for my reaction. Yowzers. I am laughing now just remembering my "peppy Carrie" gleeful response of, "ME TOO!!!" So amazing to see how God weaved our lives together and continues to do so.
That conversation was followed quickly by an engagement and Ben promptly moving to Michigan without me! A few short months later, we said our "I Do's" and the rest is, so they say, history.
Sounds simple enough. But of course it never is.
Many times over the course of my nine year marriage I have been the subject of discussion. As you may have gathered, we are pretty conservative and our relationship with God is important to us. Our faith is the foundation of our lives, our marriage, our family and our home.
This is a touchy subject so I'll just cut to the chase. I'm not what most, in our circles at least, would see as a typical wife. What does that mean? I am opinionated. I am fiercely independent. I am frankly the insensitive, pants-wearing, steerer of the ship. Just the truth. Ben is the sensitive, caring, compassionate and quieter one.
I would not describe myself as a feminist, although I certainly have been known to chant out "Women power!" and wholeheartedly believe that a woman can and should be successful, smart and independent. Eeek, I know some of you are already whispering the word feminist! If you've read my blog at all I'm sure this revelation about myself isn't a surprise.
But I digress. This is supposed to be about Ben. So anyway, I've gotten a lot of grief in the 9 years of our marriage. I should say BEN has gotten a lot of grief. There's no way around it. We make decisions together. Ben just does not have a dominant personality....I do.
So where does that leave us? In our neck of the woods, this kind of relationship could be interpreted as wrong. Ben's favorite response (to me) when other people comment on our relationship dynamic is that people don't get it. They don't see what we see. What God saw. And sees. That together Ben and I compliment and complete each other. Our strengths are exactly each others weaknesses. What and who we are together is infinitely stronger than who we each were separately. And over the course of time, He appears to be chiseling away at our roles. My gavel is a little less loud and Ben's voice is a little louder!
But again, where does that leave us? When the word "submission" is voiced Ben and I just kind of look at each other and laugh. Not because I'm somehow bucking his authority. Not because he thinks I need to get in the kitchen, be barefoot and pregnant, etc (Good, by the way because I am D.O.N.E being a baby factory). No, not these reasons. We laugh because most important to Ben is the second clause of that submission verse. What the requirement is of the husband. To love the wife as Christ loved the church. Christ loved us so much he died for our sins. What greater love can there be? Man, we ladies lucked out I think. So I need to respect my husband, honor him, support him, listen to him and follow him? Check. That's easy. Submit to his leadership of our home? Again, check. But the best part is that you do both simultaneously and it becomes a little less, "Woman, make me some dinner" and a little more both people invested in each other for the benefit of the family. The guy isn't seeking only his best interests. So, again, it's pretty easy to follow and listen to a great man who is making decisions to benefit you and him together.
Maybe you disagree. And that's okay. Many people do. Honestly this is probably one of our biggest hurdles - the perception that other people have of our relationship.
That's why our most recent decision has been such a shock to many. But really, if you know us, not so much a shock after all.
Ben has decided to quit his job and stay home with the kids.
He is my hero. I couldn't do it. Both financially and mentally. We have been monitoring our finances for several months and it just became apparent that we are actually PAYING for Ben to work. Daycare is nearly $450 per week for all three kids between school and our part time nanny. Our options are limited. The decision was Ben's alone. I didn't pressure him. I didn't even tell him my opinion. It was one of the most difficult decisions we've ever made. Giving up employment at Drury just seems counterproductive. But we felt like this was the best choice for our family. And honestly we are happy. In the days after Ben gave notice we both realized we were already less stressed. Just knowing there is an end in sight to the craziness of shuttling kids, spending more time in the car then we do with our kids and racing endlessly from one thing to the next. Just insane. But there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. And we can almost see it.
August 10 will be Ben's last day at Drury. We are so thankful to them. I cannot even explain how wonderful and patient both of our employers have been to us through this pregnancy, delivery, illnesses and tired days and just everything in between. We are just so thankful and blessed.
And thus begins a new chapter for us. Really, an entirely different life. Sam is going to Republic Pre-K part time and will be home with Ben part time. The twins will be home with Ben full time.
And boy, what an adjustment it will be.
I know we will get grief. I know there are those that think if the 'man' isn't providing then he isn't fulfilled and the marriage is doomed. I just disagree. Because Ben is providing. He is providing sanity. He is providing care. He is providing for our kids. (He also does work from home anyway already and will continue to do that for my dad's business so legitimately there will be real money coming in too). Our actual family income will go up due to eliminating double the gas, double the expenses of working and triple the daycare costs. It is a good thing.
But again, I know we will get grief. I am not a bad mom because I am working. Frankly I don't have a choice. I am the primary earner in the family and it's just the way things are. But even more than that, I want people to know that I truly admire Ben for the decision he has made. There are those that look at Ben and don't label him as the strong one in our family. But again, I disagree.
What is leadership? I did a Bible study some time ago, and when I am a part of conversations about spiritual leadership in the home and just the father role of leadership I am reminded of this passage. It is in Titus and discusses the character of leadership. My summarization: What is a leader? Someone with these qualities: Temperate, Self-controlled, Respectable, Hospitable, Able to teach, Not given to drunkenness, Not violent but gentle, Not quarrelsome, Not lover of money, Manages their family well, Children respect & obey, Good reputation with others, Sincere, Faithful, Blameless, Obedient, Not overbearing, Not quick-tempered, Not violent, Not pursuing dishonest gain, Loves what is good, Upright, Holy, Disciplined, and Focused on qualities of the heart.
Funny how these characteristics aren't regularly used to describe the "strong" men in our culture. A "man's man." That's okay with me. Friends, I hit the jackpot. There are not many qualities on that list that Ben doesn't excel at. He may not be as outspoken or demanding or authoritative. But none of those were on the list of true leadership. Instead he is compassionate, gentle and caring. He is calm. He is awesome.
I am one lucky gal. And so are my kids.
