The Faith

Been a little down this week. Mostly because I have just been extremely exhausted and miserably uncomfortable. Sure, for weeks now I've had the general slowdown day after day like most pregnant women in their home stretch experience, but nothing compared to this past week. Packed work weekend last weekend so I didn't really get a break...then two days of doctors appointments, a busy work week and I was just beat.

Honestly, probably the most disappointing part of my week was "failing" the glucose challenge at the doctor's office Wednesday...

Before I get into that, let me preface this all by saying that the doctors are still absolutely encouraged by my progress and these babies' health. One twin is 2lb 2oz and the other 2lb 6oz. Less than 10% difference, which is fantastic. No twin-to-twin transfusion at all. I'm still not swelling, have gained 25 pounds which is exactly in range of what they want for me, and I'm measuring 34 weeks, again just what they hope to see. Overall, a fantastic report from the doctors. Apparently I will be able to schedule my c-section at my next appointment the week of September 19. Whew! So so soon. But I had to drink the lovely orange glucose nastiness on Wednesday and they called Thursday to let me know that I didn't make the cut. Which means I have to endure the 3 hour fasting glucose tolerance test first thing Monday. Boo. And Yuck.

Feeling like a failure a bit after that news. I have been reassured by many that I probably do NOT actually have gestational diabetes and the full test will show that, but it still is a bummer to be flagged with the possibility of it. Come ON! I do not need another thing to be anxious about, right?? And again, back to the failure. I have done everything possible this pregnancy to take care of myself. I'm eating super healthy, I don't have caffeine, I don't overdo it. I mean, seriously!!??!! I actually feel so much better this pregnancy than 4 years ago with Sam. How did this happen?

I know, I know. Simply being pregnant with twins increases my risk of gestational diabetes, no matter WHAT I eat. Apparently the double hormones just put too much stress on insulin production and the mommy just cannot keep up. Sigh! Still feeling down about it.

The entire week I was physically dragging...add that to the emotional frustration of the diabetes concern and it was a rough few days. On Thursday I got the flu shot so that only made me even more...off.

Thursday night we had a fun evening of dinner and shopping for Sam's big boy bike with his aunt & uncle, but to be honest, I was just beat. Body exhausted, mentally checked out....babies stressed, stomach tight. Eek. No good. I came home and went straight to bed, skipped my morning workout and came home from work early Friday to crash. I was really worried I had overdone it for real but thankfully I slept 10 hours overnight and am doing MUCH MUCH better today.

I woke up with energy, resumed my (very low impact) workout and started a much better day! THANK GOD. Getting my positivity a bit, thank you very much!

As Ben and I were on our way to the Labor & Delivery tour at St. John's this morning, we had a fun conversation about faith. How we cannot believe we have less than two months left and how scared I am about this gestational diabetes thing. Ben laughed a bit and said God is trying to teach us remedial faith here and we keep missing it. Back to the basics, he said. First the doctors told us no fertility treatment because risk of twins, then we got twins....then everyone has been chanting the same mantra for 6 months that we are "never" going to make it through the summer...and now here we are. Every week we fight the expectation that there will be a twin-specific problem, and so far no indications. All in all, I think Ben is right and I need to just embrace the craziness. So, maybe I have gestational diabetes. Maybe we will have other complications. But right now, it appears that God is jumping, screaming and shouting for us to just keep on keeping on...and live with FAITH that He will take care of it all, no matter the outcome. And even more so, that He will walk the road with us. When I'm tired and uncomfortable, I'm not on this journey alone. So God is apparently trying to get our attention...And do we listen? Well...usually...but then comes a week like this week and I get so buried under the anxiety and fear...it amazes me how easy it is to forget.

So...no matter the outcome with the full glucose test Monday...and no matter how many times I have to stop, lay down and just rest because I physically just cannot do anything...no matter WHAT pops up in the next 8 weeks, I am committing to embrace the "end" with positivity.

When it seems like I cannot possibly make it 8 weeks, let alone another day...I need to remember the lesson in remedial faith. And keep on keeping on.